Clearing the Smog, Vol. II: Getting to know the U.S. Olympic Trampoliners

From now until the closing ceremonies WHAS will be highlighting various U.S. Olympic athletes in all their unabashed glory. This way when watching the exciting kayaking finals in your mom's basement, you'll be able to tell your D&D buddies, "Hey did you know Scott Parsons loves The Simpsons?" That ought to add a few points to your night elf's intelligence level. So without further ado I present to you: 

The U.S. Olympic Trampoliners

The Members: (Left to Right and Upside Down) Erin Blanchard and Chris Estrada

• 2008 marks the first time that the United States will enter a man and a woman into the competition. The U.S. has never won a medal in any event, which is sad since an American, George Nissen, is credited with inventing the first modern trampoline. Rest easy LeBron, basketball isn't the only sport we invented and can't win.

• Chris Estrada was a shy six-year-old growing up in Lousiana. While this isn't groundbreaking news, it did prompt his mom into signing him up for tumbling. Which according to the article was, "the only thing to do in his small town." The mental picture of flocks of cajun children rolling around in the streets will forever make me laugh.

• Erin Blanchard pulled a Brett Favre. The '06 U.S. Champion, Blanchard decided to finally put an end to her long and fruitful career at the age of 18. But the sweet smog of Beijing lured her out of the Sunshine State Elderly Care Center and into the gym, when the U.S. was awarded a wildcard spot in the women's trampoline event.

• In what must be a fun coffee time topic between the two, Chris Estrada also briefly walked away from the sport in 2001. The reason? A mental block that prevented him from twisting on forward flipping skills. I feel you Chris, can't tell you how many times that's happened to me.

• The final act in any routine is the out-bounce. This is accomplished with a straight jump at 3/4 height. When Chris Estrada sticks the landing, you'll be able to comment on the technical superiority of his out-bounce, while everyone else is trying to figure out if he's related to the guy from "CHiPs."

• Erin Blanchard made the team by beating her neighbor. Alaina Herbert, who finished second to Erin in the U.S. Olympic trials, grew up a few miles away from Blanchard in the aforementioned hotbed of tumbling, Lousiana. Allegedly, this isn't the first time she beat out a neighbor for trampoline glory. Growing up in Lousiana, where tumbling reigns supreme, she beat out local bully Trina Trumbad for neighborhood bragging rights. WHAS has obtained a picture of Trina in training for the historical event:
  
   You like Olympics? NBC.com has you covered.
  

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The End of Week 1 and Parcells Still Hasn't Cut Us!

Yay to us. We've made it through the inaugural week of the Wet, Hot, American Sports experiment. The results so far? Pretty much as expected. We gave you tons of nuggets o' information coupled with comedy stylings and then trickled off at the end of the week when we got too drunk to write posts. 

I managed to stumble out a few hang-over posts below, to round out the week, but Phil is still passed-out in the corner spooning my dog, Mr. Pickles. But rest assured, I poked him with a stick an hour earlier and he managed to mumble something about truckloads of posts on the weekend.

The weekly lineup and Phil's growing problem after the  jump.

Next week we'll debut our weekly lineup, a hodgepodge of sports knowledge and fun that starts on Monday with Dear Mr. Fantasy, where I will fulfill all your fantasy football desires. On Tuesday I return with the Tuesday Ten, a sure to be controversial list of ten sports related whatever I feel likes. 

On Wednesday, Phil awakens from his Hypnotiq hangover and brings you The Stat Machine, a collection of weird and wonderful sports statistics. If he hasn't clogged up his keyboard with vomit, he'll be writing a Letter to the Fans on Thursday, a celebration of all things in the world of fandom. 

After he has fully recovered from alcoholism, Phil will be doing it all over again on Friday, but this time for the sake of blogging science. We'll be reading your mail and answering your questions. Probably while taking keg stands in the bathroom. As long as I hold his legs, Phil can still type with his hands that way. 

The topical posts that you have seen this first week will continue, but just with the added support of the Weekly Lineup. I hope everyone enjoyed the first week, but expect the second one to be even better! Now if you'll excuse me I have to feed Mr. Pickles. I take it as a sign of hunger when he's licked all the hair off Phil's nipples. 

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Lebrons's Love of Baklava Might Change Landscape of NBA

So I don't usually like to toot on my horn, but toot toot baby. So far this week I've mailed in Brett Favre's reinstatement letter for him hours before his actual fax, pointed out Michelle Wie's mental game weaknesses before a late collapse does her in this week, and now we get this story by Ian Thomsen of CNNSI: "Greek Team may take run at LeBron in 2010."

I will admit though, when I penned this little gem, I never believed that Europe was even close to making a run at an NBA starter, let alone the biggest star in the league. I was merely offering advice to David Stern, to sit back, take a look at what's going on, and try to come up with a long term solution. But if this rumor has any wings, Stern better kick it up a notch and start inciting fascist coups in opposing countries. While of course that's a ridiculous notion, the prospect of losing King James to a country with an actual monarchy has to be widening the skidmarks on Stern's already soiled britches.  

Something like this happening has always been quickly dismissed because the revenue gap between European teams and NBA teams is like the gap between Wal-Mart and K-Mart. No fiscal jockey could ever approve of the spending it would take to lure James. But as pointed out during the Josh Childress move, the owners of teams like Olympiakos, who bought Childress and are luring Lebron, couldn't care less about the bottom dollar. They're out to spend their money like it's Diddy's birthday. 

So what would happen if Olympiakos, just for the thrill of it, threw a huge amount of money in Lebron's face just to see what would happen? Because if there's one thing rich people like to do with their money, it's upstage other rich people. 

Would anyone call the Greek's bluff? I know the Cavs wouldn't. They're already in trouble of losing him because they won't shell out the dough to get him a high caliber wingman. (The Pippen to his Jordan, if you like.) So who then? Don't even look in the direction of the other small market teams, they barely stay afloat as it is. But what about the big market teams? Chicago's already cash-strapped, Miami will be by the time 2010 rolls around, D.C. just threw the vault at gimpy Gilbert, Boston's overloaded, and LA can't possibly afford Bryant, Gasol, and James. 

So that leaves us with New York. But the Knicks just finished a horrible run on the Isaiah train. As much as Bron Bron would energize a starving fanbase, I just don't think James Dolan's accountants would let him get  anywhere near that deal right now.  Which is why the logical choice is the soon to be Brooklyn Nets. Not that they could fiscally justify it, but because it's a matter of pride. For the sake of the reputation of his country the almighty Jiggaman will save the NBA. 

Jay-Z, inspired by a zeal to kick some Greek ass, will pen "The Lebron Chronicles," the greatest rap LP ever conceived. After this all other rappers will stop honing their craft any further as they have nowhere to go but down, and Jay-Z will virtually force everyone in the country to buy the historical album. He will then deliver a giant Cristal bottle filled with ten thousand dollar bills to Lebron's home in Cleveland, with a note that says "See you in the Bronx.  -Jigga" Yeah that's pretty much how it's gonna go down. While all of this might sound ridiculous and contrived, I was right about three other things this week, so you never know, right?

Ian Thomsen's little gem. 

  

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Wieminiscent

As was fully expected, teen chokesation Michelle Wie had a late collapse Friday at the Reno-Tahoe Open to miss the cut by about ten strokes. On Thursday, she shot a one over 73, within ones stroke of the projected cut of even par. She looked like the Wie of old, when she was in her prime at the tender age of 12.

But then the Wie that we've all come to know and love showed up. Promising through the front nine, a quintuple bogey  9 on the eighth hole sent her spiraling to a score of 80. SIDE NOTE: If shooting an 8 on a hole is called a snowman, what's a 9? A paraplegic snowman?

Her showing in the Reno Tahoe Open is classic Michelle Wie. Not because she failed to make the cut again, but because you could see the physical tools on display, while the mental ones get left in the clubhouse. As I said earlier this week, Wie's decision to hop around tours and play with competitors she isn't on par with is seriously hurting her mental game. Even in a weak field by PGA standards, she was seriously out of her league. Parker McLachlin, who sounds like he should be both partners at a law-firm, shot a course record tying 62 to take a 14 under clubhouse lead into the weekend.

This brings up a point of contention that until I now, never really occurred to me. What if she does make the cut at the Reno-Tahoe Open? Obviously not this years of course, but what about the '09 version? Or the Lincoln Financial FDR Open, or the Bob Jones Jimmy Dean Sausage Links Invitational or any other less-than tournament? Would it be an asterisk worthy accomplishment? Does barely beating Jason Dufner(a real player, I swear) truly put her in line with Babe Z. SIDE NOTE 2: Why hasn't Jimmy Dean Sausage Links actually sponsored a tournament, it seems like this would be a natural fit.

Right now, we're all too distracted watching the circus that is the Michelle Wie choke machine to seriously ask this question. But as long as the circus keeps on getting better, people are still going to buy tickets, so expect the sponsor exemptions to keep coming in, where the merit of this debate will continue to grow.

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Steve Smith Stiff-Arms Starter's Seeing Socket. (With his fist)

Well the wide receiver battle in Carolina just got a little more interesting. According to a report by ESPN, star WR Steve Smith has been sent home from training camp for clocking cornerback Ken Lucas in the eyeball. Dustups like this are a fairly regular occurrence during training camp, because tensions are tight with guys trying to earn a paycheck in the fall, and others battling for position. This however was something completely different.

The incident occurred on the sidelines while both Smith and Lucas were sitting out a special teams drill. From all reports it seems it was the boiling over of already bad blood between the two starters. Smith, a bit of a hothead, has jawed with Lucas since he arrived in Charlotte in 2002. But the cause of the fight, whether it was over a dirty play, or who ate the last pint of Bojangles dirty rice, isn't what matters. 

The consequences here could be detrimental to a team who needs every win they can get in order to make the playoffs. Under CBA rules, Smith could be out four games for conduct detrimental to the team. With already lingering questions under center with Delhomme's rehab and two very young running backs taking the handoffs from him, the Panthers need Smith starting come game one. A receiving corp with Moose Muhammed and D.J. Hackett alone is an average group, but with Smith in the mix, they are one of the best. 

The worldwide leader has more.

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Breaking News: Ron Artest Is Still Ghetto

Well Houston, it looks like you have a problem. When asked about his team's trade for Ron Artest, Chinese Skyscraper Yao Ming said, "Hopefully he isn't fighting anymore and going after a guy in the stands." I think this is a fair concern. Whether it's a just a little joke, which is what I guess it is, or a serious assertion, Ming has a point.

But Artest isn't joking. He thinks Yao simply bought into all the "the propaganda" about him. When asked to explain, the punching Pacer had this to say, 

"I understand what Yao said but I'm still ghetto. That's not going to change. I'm never going to change my culture. I don't think he's ever played with a black player that really represents his culture as much as I represent my culture."

You have got to be kidding me. Look I'm not black, and I don't claim to be a great socio-political pundit but I think I'm safe when I say Ron Artest will not be called to have dinner with Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson anytime soon to discuss the state of the black community. He later goes on to say that after the brawl he "never changed" and was just defending his culture.

But nobody is trying to make you be somebody else Ron, they just want you to act with a little more grace considering the position you're in. Athletes and celebrities are paid ungodly amounts of money on one condition; keep up a good public image. Anything else, and the American people will take all that away from you. Just ask Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, who are finding work difficult to come by these days. But besides that, I don't care what your race, culture, or creed is, inciting riots and generally acting like a self-absorbed asshole is a representation of no one other than yourself.

Story courtesy of ESPN.com  

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Manny to L.A., Boston says "Yay"

Surprise! Manny didn't get traded to the Marlins, but he was dealt, and just minutes before the deadline today. A three team trade was in the works to send Jason Bay to Boston from Pittsburgh, and Manny to the Marlins. The Pirates blame the Marlins for failing to get the deal done, the Marlins blame Boston.

The Dodgers jumped into the mix and threw together a deal just in time. So Manny will wear blue and move to the National League and Boston is relieved of an awkward situation in which Ramirez was publicly frustrated.

Jason Bay hitting 3rd in Boston's lineup with David Ortiz behind...not a pretty site to opposing pitchers. Manny was obviously a stellar player but "personality differences" led Boston to desperately ship him out to the west coast. Bay is an all-star caliber player who is suddenly thrust into a major playoff contender. Look for him to have a stellar remainder of the year.

What will be of Boston without Manny? I personally like that crazy son of a bitch. He's hilarious and he always has fun playing the game. On the other hand, he's insane and frustrates the crap out of you if you're his coach. Not a great attribute. Either way, Boston will suffer for losing him. He's one of the greatest hitters EVER. A playoff spot this year may be missed for Boston as a result of purging Manny.

Ken Griffey Jr. moves again, this time to the White Sox. You partially want to root on Chicago to get Griffey into the Series, but then you remember it's the White Sox. Break a leg Kenny! Oh wait...don't do that again. (CONTINUE READING)

Maddening Nation

Tired of Brett Favre yet? Well let me squeeze in one more #4 fun fact. A report by The Sporting News showed that in a Madden '09 simulation Aaron Rodgers out performed Favre. With Favre the Packers were 9-7, with Rodgers 12-4, Favre has a completion percentage of who the hell cares? Does anyone put any validity whatsoever into a video game simulation? 

If I was at a sports bar arguing the Favre problem with a buddy and he brought up, "Well Favre only had a 9-7 record in the Madden simulation," I would strike him with my pimping cane. I carry one for just such an occasion.

But in all seriousness, I have never seen anyone read the results of these tests with any more of a reaction than "Oh, that's cool I guess." More and more, be it the NCAA tournament, the NFL playoffs, or a NASCAR race, these video game simulations are being used by Half-time show hacks and ESPN robots. Even when the smoothest of commentators are asked to use them, they often are tripped up as to what to say afterwards. Take this fake conversation between Billy Packer and Jim Nantz for example,

JIM:  "Wow, Bethune-Cookman really gave a beating to Duke in the NCAA Basketball '09 simulation. What do you think about that Billy?" 

BILLY: "You know what? Just go ahead and fire me, I don't need this crap." 

I suppose it's only a matter of time before we just give in to the EA Sports Illuminati, shove the athletes to the side, and just have Sirus the Virus and Marc Dog from "Madden Nation," determine the Super Bowl. In fact, as I'm typing this, Vegas has already posted Sirus the Virus as the favorite with 5:2 odds. 

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Move Over Al, There's a New Sheriff of Crazytown

So, for quite sometime now, Al Davis has been the unchallenged King of eccentric NFL owners. Sure Dan Snyder spends way too much money, and Jerry Jones is kinda pompous, but neither come close to the jogging suit juggernaut. With his meddling ways, his living in the past management styles, and his current cold war against coach Lane Kiffin, Davis reigns supreme. But maybe not for long.

>

The Palm Beach Post reports that conservative talk-show host, Rush Limbaugh, is interested in buying the St. Louis Rams if they come up for sale; which is a real possibility. The pill popping pontificator did tell KMOX radio in St. Louis that NFL ownership is a "billionaires club" and that he isn't quite in that range. But I think all it would take to push him over the edge is a couple pleas to loyal listeners to buy more of those hot dogs he loves so much.  

More to read at The Palm Beach Post

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Penn State: Linebacker U or Lineup U?

This news is slightly old, but shocking nonetheless. In an "Outside the Lines" report on Sunday, ESPN put a spanking to Joe Pa and the Nittany Lions. The show reported that since '02 Penn State football players have been charged with 163 criminal complaints among 46 players. Among those complaints, 45 were guilty pleas. The most shocking statistic; it's getting worse.

In '07, 17 players were charged with 72 crimes. For the non-mensan among us, that's over four crimes each. There are chapters of the Crips and Bloods who don't have crime rates that high. When there's problems like this, the fingers start pointing, and most of them are poking Paterno right in the gut. Asked about an intercepted text message containing an order from him, to disrupt the university's judicial affairs department's business, Paterno said he doesn't know how to text, and "I don't even own a computer."

I don't dispute that Paterno is technologically challenged, he gave the same answer not too long ago in regards to new recruiting processes. But I do think the man is perfectly capable of giving an order to an athletics department intern who knows how to spell his name. Joe Paterno is one of the greatest college football coaches ever, and an icon in the sport, but recently a lack of production on the field has the fanbase pushing him out the door. But it looks like his lack of production off the field is what will finally slam it shut.

More words at the Pittsburgh-Post Gazette

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AskMen, Get Dumb Answer

Everybody loves a top ten list! I should know, starting next Tuesday (warning shameless plug coming) I'll be writing the first edition of our Tuesday Ten list. I can only hope my list is a little better than Malcolm McMillan's. 

The writer for AskMen.com put together a top ten list of the "Ten Losingest Sports Cities." Which is a dumb list to begin with. For one, "losingest" isn't even a real world. Secondly, why put a list together just to rub salt in an open wound? But, like my grandma always said, "if you're going to poke someone, do it in the eye." So at least get the stupid thing right.

Looking at the bottom of the list it seems the Buffalo Bills can't catch a break today. How can a team that did what no other team in the history of any sport could, lose four championship games in a row, only be number ten? At least give the great fans of Buffalo some sort of accomplishment. But then again, if a city is really that bad, does not even putting it on a loser list justify the loser tag even more? 

Moving up to number eight, he has Raleigh/Durh.....Raleigh/Charlotte? I've seen my beloved hometown paired with any number of cities; Durham, Chapel Hill, Cary, but this is a first. Raleigh and Charlotte are over three hours driving distance apart. It's like lumping together Orlando and Miami. Although I'm kinda hungry right now and Oriami sounds like an Asian dish I have to eat sometime.

Then at seven, we have the woeful Indianapolis Colts. Who haven't won a championship in almost two whole years. I don't care what you did in the past, getting over the hump and winning it all grants a city at least a five year window of immunity. The Boston Red Sox didn't win for nearly a century, but I don't see anyone lining up to call them losers now. Not to mention that Indy only has two pro teams, and Philadelphia, with four loser franchises didn't even make the cut.  

The Sonic-less Seattelites can rest easy because their team didn't even make it to the top three despite no championships between three teams, and two instances of owners bolting the city. (Which should be bonus points towards the total) Sitting pretty at number four, they were bumped in favor of the number two team Nashville/ Memphis. Again with the clumping of cities in the same state. You know what the first thing that comes up when you type "memphis nashville" into Google? You get flights from Memphis to Nashville. That's a heck of a commute. And how do cities that have three past decade expansion teams even come close to making this list?

But the biggest turd in the bowl has to be New Orleans at number one. And what reason does McMillan give for their spot atop the list? The "'Aint's" reputation pre-Brees? The crappy, all be it along time ago, New Orleans Jazz? The evil George Shin led Hornets? Nope, he had this to say,

"When a city's crowning sports moment is winning a regular season football game after Hurricane Katrina, it's not a good sign. Sure that famous moment breathed life into a devastated city, but a championship never has,"

The Saints winning that game was an emotional achievement for the city and the country, but hardly a sports achievement. If you want sports accomplishment since Katrina, how about the Hornets having the best record in the NBA for most of  last season, or the aforementioned Saints team going on to the NFC title game? Blaming the city for overcoming disaster and winning a game in a tattered Super Dome, which seems to be the crux of your argument, is just dirty pool mister. My grandma might have told me to poke them in the eye Malcolm, but you my friend have put on your steel-toed boot and kicked New Orleans square in the nuts. 

The infamous list at AskMen.com

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It's Pat!

You've heard of testing for performance-enhancing drugs, right? Olympic officials have been working for over a year to design a lab equipped to test an athlete's gender. Who knew there were that many dude's trying to compete in women's sports?

"Suspected athletes will be evaluated from their external appearances by experts and undergo blood tests to examine their sex hormones, genes and chromosomes for sex determination," says Professor Tian Qinjie..."The aim is to protect fairness at the games while also protecting the rights of people with abnormal sexual development," he says.

You might be wondering, who will these 'experts' be who will evaluate the suspected athletes' external appearances? Why none other than TV's David Hasselhoff of course. He'll be responsible for inspecting each woman's genitals and trying to seduce them. If the athlete becomes smitten they are cleared of any wrongdoing, because as you know, no woman can resist the Hoff.

The United Kingdom's "Guardian" has more. (CONTINUE READING)

Just a Little Bit of History Repeating

Every year it happens. Some perennial loser will get themselves all pumped during two-a-days, when all the players are sitting around the training camp-fire, holding hands and singing kumabaya. "We really like the way our young quarterback is progressing," they proclaim. "The offensive line is really starting to gel," they tell us. But best of all, just like Bills wide receiver Lee Evans did, they will exclaim "We feel like even though we have a young team, we have guys who have been out there and played, and gotten a lot of experience." Excuse me?

This is not a knock on Evans, I mean he was just reciting the memo. You know the one that every non-playoff team receives at the start of the year. "We're young, but hey we played last year right?" Just like choir-boy Kitna did last year when he proclaimed the Lions would win 10 games. Oh sure, it started off smooth. A 6-2 record heading into November and looked like Samson and the Lions would walk into the playoffs.

But then it him them like it does every year. Wait, what are we doing here? We're the Lions for crying out loud. We couldn't even win with Barry freaking Sanders. But were 6-2 right? We're good , we're good. BAM! they lose 7 of 8 and miss the playoff by a mile.

So here we have the Bills, sitting in the same place as the '07 Lions. But, hey maybe the stars are just aligning this year. Maybe Marshawn Lynch carries over the success of his rookie season behind the line. Maybe Trent Edwards is the future signal caller they've been looking for. Maybe draft pick Leodis McKelvin fills a serious need at cornerback, and the defense "gels." Maybe. They did go to the Super Bowl four times in a row with Kelly, so it's not like there's a precedent for hitting the wall and chok....okay bad example. But who know right? The AFC East is a one team division right now, and the Bills do have a pretty cake out of division schedule. An injury to Brady here, a perfect home record there, and maybe just maybe they sneak into the playoffs. But I wouldn't put my dollars on the Bills just yet.

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And Man Ram? Man Ram So Far Away?

ESPN's Buster Olney now says there's "better than a 50/50 chance a deal gets done on Thursday."

Manny Ramirez has been paving the way for an exit from Boston for the past few days. His comments to the media have ranged from, "If Boston gets a good deal for me, they should do it, but if not I want to stay and help the team," to, "My mental happiness is priceless and I don't have any mental happiness in Boston."


It looks like the Sox are willing to give up an important offensive weapon to the Marlins. Why dump Manny? Lets just say he spends an awful lot of time doing things described as "just Manny being Manny."

In honor of Manny's impending departure to south Florida, here's just one of many Manny moments. Yes, this was DURING a game, the man is wacky!


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Gilbert Arenas is Swimming in Wealth

Washington Wizards' Agent Zero had a very small stash of money and decided to build an extremely modest swimming pool. Here are some pics of his work in progress, click each one for the full size version:







Supposedly the stone used cost half a million dollars alone. It's widely believed that when complete this will be one of the largest residential pools in America. And he's not even practicing to be an Olympic synchronized swimmer. What a waste!

For more visit the D.C. Sports Bog. (CONTINUE READING)

Trading Spaces

MLB teams have less than 24 hours before the trade deadline which always makes for good live drama. Since so many games are played each and every day, and trades often happening DURING a game, it's not uncommon to hear of players getting yanked off the field in the middle of a game because a trade has just been finalized.



So keep an eye especially on tonight's action as another late trade or two is certain to take place. A few trade rumors include Pittsburgh's Jason Bay to Tampa and Boston's troubled personality Manny Ramirez possibly in talks to move to the Marlins. We'll keep an eye out. (CONTINUE READING)

Yankees Trade For Mini-Pudge

This post is far less an informative study of today's New York trade as it is a chance to remind folks who mini-Pudge is. First the news:

The New York Yankees traded pitcher Kyle Farnsworth for Detroit catcher Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez. With Yankee catcher Jorge Posada going down with injury at a crucial time of the season it was no secret the Yanks were on the prowl for a catcher. It's a mediocre trade that should slightly benefit New York, although today's Rodriguez is nowhere near productive as he was in his early years, both offensively and defensively.

Now on to mini-Pudge. You see, before the steroid era and the Mitchell Report, Ivan Rodriguez was a power-hitting catcher with a giant Barry Bonds sized noggin. He was huge. Mysteriously, after steroid-use became taboo and testing became more prevalent, Pudge Rodriguez became "mini-Pudge." The evidence after the jump.





See what I mean? His miniaturization literally happened over one short offseason. I remember him showing up for Spring Training the next year and thinking that he drank some sort of Beetlejuice-like head shrinking potion.

Now I'm not saying he was a steroid user just because his head shrank. I'm just pointing out that...oh who are we kidding, yeah that's what I'm saying.

I feel bad for pitcher Kyle Farnsworth who was traded out of NY for Rodriguez. He actually cried today during an on-camera interview about the trade. When he first came to the big apple he couldn't stop talking about how excited he was to be a Yankee and how we wanted to stay for several years. So much for that. Listen Kyle, it's like getting a transfer out of the Death Star. You're back among the good guys. (CONTINUE READING)

Clearing the Smog, Vol. I: Getting to know the U.S. Olympic Synchronized Swimming Team

From now until the closing ceremonies, WHAS will run a piece called "Clearing the Smog: Getting to know US Olympians." In this feature we will highlight some of the athletes representing the Red White and Blue in the upcoming Beijing Olympics. This way when you're throwing down PBR's with your buddies watching the high jump. You'll be able to extol useful knowledge like, "Did you know Jesse Williams once ate cat food on his neighbors porch?" More on that later on down the road, for today I present to you:

The US Olympic Synchronized Swimming Team

The members: (In no particular order, since I can't tell them apart) Brooke Abel, Janet Culp, Kate Hooven, Christina Jones, Becky Kim, Andrea Nott, Annabelle Orme, Jillian Penner, Kim Probst, and alternate Meghan Kinney.
  

• Amazingly, none of these girls are related. There was almost a set of twins, but member Janet Culp's twin sister Jennie couldn't recover from shoulder surgery in time to qualify. Doublemint executives are extremely disappointed.
  

• Kate Hooven and Becky Kim both attended OSU where they won three gold medals at the '04 collegiate national championships. Yet another reason to hate the Buckeyes UM fans.
  

• According to NBC.com, Annabelle Orme, "attended Diablo Valley Community College for a semester, but ultimately decided to put off her studies until after the Olympics." Thank you Annabelle, you are a true American hero.  
  

• Don't expect to find these girls at your Frat Party. Various members hobbies include: wood whittling, doing puzzles, making banana bread, and dentistry. The only list more wholesome than this is that of the Amish SkyDiving Team, "The Jumping Jehovah's."
  

• It's not a wussy chick sport. In May four members of the Seattle Synchronized Swim Team simultaneously lost consciousness while practicing a routine. No cause has yet to be determined, but a team spokesperson confirmed that "March of the Pigs" by Nine Inch Nails will no longer be their accompanying music for this routine.
  

• And if none of that convinced you to check out synchronized swimming maybe this picture of the Russian pairs team will help:
  

NBC.com has all the facts. Especially about The Olympics. (CONTINUE READING)

Oh Say Can You Sing

A lot of folks gripe about our national anthem, "The Star Spangled Banner." Personally I'm with Ron Burgundy on this one, "Use Me" by Bill Withers would be a much better choice. But the SSB, with it's impossible melody and strange rhythm may be a chore to get through; but you still have to admit the writing is fantastic. Purple mountain majesty? Amber waves of grain? Ramparts? No wonder others are jealous of our great nation. After hearing that, who wouldn't want to live here? But even with it's faults the SSB is practically "Stairway to Heaven" compared to some other countries. 

Rick Reilly examines this issue in an article for ESPN.com and the results are nothing short of hilarious. From the Ukrainian's bold assertion that they are indeed still a country, to the Swedes singing about how much they like to drink, there are some seriously ludicrous anthems out there. So bitch all you want about Francis Scott Key being tone-deaf, at least we don't live in Greece where the anthem is 158 verses long. In Greece they don't ask you to stand for the national anthem, they ask you to grab a pillow and get comfy.

Reilly's full story here. 

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Pour Some Haterade On Me

Ah yes, July the 30th. With baseball being the only thing on and the Olympics not starting for another week or so, it's time for the worldwide leader to fill up space. Last year at this time, sparks were flying and the local water holes were abuzz with talk of "Who's More Now." This year, it's all about who's considered "Titletown USA". As stupid and pointless as the "Now" question was, at least it was debatable. For my money, you're wasting your breath on anything more than a toss-up between L.A. and New York with "Titletown."

But from the depths of the entertainment black hole that is late July sports comes a nifty piece by Mark Schlabach at ESPN.com. Maybe it's just cause his name sounds like Mark Schlereth, whom I have a man-crush on, but either way, Schlabach put together a great list of the top ten most hated college football schools. Now there's something I could debate while sipping suds.

For the most part I say Schlabach has the top three nailed down. OSU, USC, and Notre Dame in the top three; you'll get no argument from me on that. The rest of the list is more debatable, but I would agree all those teams deserve a spot. 

But the point I'm trying to make is not about the validity of his list, it's about why ESPN hasn't launched a full campaign about this, rather than silly topics like "Now" and "Titletown." "Who's Being Playa-Hated On the Most," would be a ratings bonanza. Each team up for discussion could have a dramatic feature piece put together that showed them winning titles while set to Lux Aeterna, or some other creepy musical score. Fans can send in videos of them laying the smack down on the contestants, Jim Rome style. And if they branch out and do college basketball, we can get Stuart Scott and Jay Bilas finally go at it with a Duke-Carolina fist-fight. My money's on Bilas by the way, to quote the draft-guru himself, "He's got a bit of a mean streak," and really angry eyes.

So I say Mark Schlabach and his better looking brother from another mother, Schlereth, kick the metrosexual head of programming for ESPN in the balls, and make this thing happen. Otherwise prepare for the inevitable next summer when ESPN brings us topics like "Who Dresses the Snazziest," or "Who's got the Most 'Tude" I'm guessing that one's already in production sadly.

Find Mark Schlabach's full list here at ESPN.com 

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