Speed Walkers Need Steroids Too

If you thought the only people turning to steroids for an advantage these days were Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, and ESPN NFL analyst John Clayton (pictured), you'd be wrong.

Just before the Beijing games began it was reported that three Russian speed walkers had tested positive for a banned substance. Which of course begs the question: there's more than one person competing for a spot on a country's speed walking team?


The Belfast Telegraph (yes THAT Belfast Telegraph) reported the story but is actually not a Russian newspaper. They're located in northern Ireland and are likely trying to build momentum for their own gold medal caliber Irish speed walking team by exposing the cheating, scandalous Russian squad. The three Russians walkers also tested positive for large amounts of vodka, although it should be noted that it is not a banned substance.

Olympic speed walkers have always been looking to increase the velocity of their steps, just as long it's not TOO much quicker. Steroid-abusing walkers could be blurring the line between speed walking and slightly slower running. And after all, anyone can run but walking as fast as possible is an art form as classic as accelerated eye blinking.

It's a sad day for athletic competition when the most honorable of sports has fallen prey to the evil steroid empire. It seems that no sport is untouchable from being tainted. Curling, we're watching you.

Tip of the hat for this story goes to the blog "Fighting the Man Eight Days a Week," who specializes primarily in exposing Russian injustices around the world. And male pugilism occurring over an impossibly long period of time.
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The Fix is (Possibly) In. Is China Cheating in the Olympics?

There is no question that the 2008 Olympics are one of the most historically significant events in the history of modern China. We also know how badly the Chinese want this to be the best Olympics ever, especially for them. This is their chance to assert their place as a world power in the sports world, as well as the political world. But just how badly does China want to win the medal count in Beijing? To examine the issue, we've found:

 The Top 5 Olympic Events China Might Be Cheating In 

5. Boxing

The Event: The bantamweight and lightweight boxing tournaments

The Fix: In the bantamweight division; after British world Bronze medalist, Joe Murray, lost his highly favored bout against China's Gu Yu, Murray was adamant that he was on the poor end of some favorable calls. But the British boxer shrugged it off as if it was expected. The Ukrainian lightweight Oleksandr Klyuchko, however, didn't take his questionable loss to China's Hu Quing so lightly. The Ukrainians filed a complaint with the International Amateur Boxing Federation. (AIBA)

The Odds: Low. The Ukranian complaint was dismissed by AIBA after a  formal hearing. But still, two instances of cheating in the sport, lodged by two different countries, makes you start to think.


4. Shooting

The Event: Men's double trap

The Fix: Veteran Australian shooter, Russell Mark, has alleged that Chinese shooter, Hu Binyuan, had the judge's help when winning the bronze medal in the event. Mark claims that one of the targets was clearly missed by Binyaun, but points were awarded. He goes on to say that the only reason there is no uproar, is because it was merely for a bronze, not gold. He wondered if the boisterous crowd was influencing the judge's opinions.

The Odds: Moderate. It's hard to imagine why clearly missed targets would be scored, so eyebrows have to be raised. But a raucous crowd could distract a judge long enough to cause an error in the fast paced world of trap shooting.

3. Fireworks

The Event: The opening ceremonies

The Fix: The opening ceremonies in Beijing were some of the most spectacular events ever shown worldwide. The dazzling pyrotechnic display was truly a sight to behold. But what you saw at home might have been a little different than at the games. Due to the poor weather conditions, China might have fabricated some of the more elaborate fireworks digitally.

The Odds: Definitive. The Chinese admitted to prefabricating some of the fireworks because of visibility issues with overhanging clouds. While this isn't really cheating in the athletic sense, it did set a precedent for the rest of the games.

2. Gymnastics

The Event: The women's team final, and the Chinese women's team in general

The Fix: During the women's team final, U.S. coach, Marta Karolyi, accused the Chinese stadium officials of instituting unnecessary delays to throw off their gymnasts, most notably Alicia Sacramone. She claims the officials would call her up, but then make her wait for no reason, not giving her the signal to begin. A more serious accusation though, is being filed against the Chinese women's team for their bending of the age limit. Nine months before the Beijing Olympics, the Chinese government's news agency reported that gymnast He Kexin was 13. But later both Kexin and the government denied this to be true, and that she was actually 16, the required minimum age.

The Odds: High. Karolyi's accusation does not hold much water, since technical delays have been a problem for all the teams, including China. But the age of the Chinese gymnast is extremely questionable. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell the difference between a 13 year old and a 16 year old. That coupled with a government issued report stating that she was 13, makes this a legitimate cause for concern.

1. Cuteness

The Event: The opening ceremonies

The Fix: Everyone in the world instantly fell in love with the little girl to my left, the moment she opened those angelic pipes of hers, and flashed that super cute smile. She became an instant star in her home country, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were reportedly in a bidding war with her parents to adopt her. But is she the Asian version of Aguilera and Spears, or Milli and Vanilli?

The Odds: Definitive. China fessed up to replacing the actual little girl who sang the song with a super cute girl with a talent only for lip syncing. The sad thing is, other than a few snaggly baby teeth, the original girl was still pretty darn cute. So you know what China? You can have all the gold medals in trap shooting and gymnastics you want, but when you're replacing cute girls with uber-cute girls for the sake of ratings, you've gone too far mister. When you do that you're cheating on the U S of A. Because we invented that, dammit.
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Chad Johnson Could Beat Michael Phelps

...or so he claims. In an interview with the guys from PTI, Tony Kornheiser asked Ocho Cinco if he could beat Michael Phelps in a swimming race. To which he said,

"...if he came to where I'm from, which is the inner city...I was a three time Charles Harding pool champ. I know a couple who could beat Michael Phelps right now. Seriously, I'm telling you, and I'm one of them."

It is officially on. After Phelps finishes his run at Olympic history and the swim meet draws to a close, why not fly in Chad Johnson and put him to the test? After all, Phelps has had to swim seventeen races, and has to be stressed out and tired. Not only would this give Phelps a much needed moment to laugh, it would help even the field a little for the three time C-Hard champ. And by that I mean Phelps might not lap him...by much.

But who knows, Johnson has tried this before, and won. Johnson outran a horse on the track by a few lengths, of the horse, not Johnson. But running of course is a fundamental of his sport, football. The only swimming he has to do, is in all the money he's earning this year. Last time I checked, the Speedo LZR wasn't aerodynamically designed for Scrooge McDuck.

Regardless of the outcome, the race would be both entertaining and beneficial. I can see Ocho swimming under the rope into Phelps' lane as he tires to lap him, pulling down his Speedo, and sending the golden boy reeling. Better yet, just like the horse race, they should let Chad start on the block, but make Phelps stand 30 yards back, having to run and leap into the pool. You know what, let's make that the standard for swimming period. All swimmers should have to run and jump into the pool, all while avoiding falling on the wet floor. That's a sport I could get into.

But the entertainment value aside, if Chad Johnson really is even an average swimmer, a race like this would do wonders to promote inner city swimming. Johnson himself claims that the only reason kids like him aren't competing with Phelps, is because they don't have the opportunity. Well what Cullen Jones did for African-American swimming a few nights ago, will be nothing compared to when Chad Johnson and his bleached mohawk hit the pool.

So, whether he was joking or not, I honestly think Johnson is on to something here. It would be good for swimming, good for him and his cause, and good TV for all of us.
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Mascot Mania: Ranking the Mascots of the Big Ten

Okay so I didn't post this yesterday like I should have, but that's because our crack R&D team was formulating a new approach to the mascot mania format. This time, I'll be breaking each team down in categories, and assigning each category a numeric value, with one being the lowest and ten being the highest. I've also added a "Fun for Kids" category, to factor in the mascot's likability with children. This will be the format for the rest of the conferences as well. I could go back and change the ACC post also, but meh. So no more blabbering, because it's time for:

Ranking the Mascots of The Big Ten

The historic Big Ten conference has eleven teams and fuzzy math. Overall the conference has quite a few really good mascots, but sadly three of the teams don't have any kind of physical representation of their school's nickname. This is a huge negative when determining the worth of mascots. You can't play ball if you don't have a team. There also is a trend to adopt state nicknames. 5 of the 11 teams take their nickname from their home state. But enough with stat, let's get to the new and improved rankings:

11. The Indiana Hoosiers

Origin: Indiana, like four others on this list, takes it's name from the state it's in. The word Hoosier means nothing more than a person from the state of Indiana. Nobody really knows where the word came from; like tarheel, the origin stories are numerous and pretty stupid. One particularly dumb tale has pioneer folk in Indiana shouting "Hello the cabin" when approaching houses, to which the cabin dweller would respond, "Who's 'Ere." You can see how wads of tobacco spit and illiteracy would eventually turn the phrase into "Hoosiers." I guess it could be worse though, they could be the Indiana Indianans. 2


Name of Mascot: N/A 0

Fear Factor: People don't tend to go running and screaming when they meet eleven guys from Indiana. But on the other hand, Dave Letterman is from Indiana, and he's kind of an ass, so there's always that. 2

Rallying Cry: The one inlaid advantage to adopting your state's nickname as your own is a built in connection to everyone in the state. Like it or not, everyone in that state is, by definition, also a hoosier. 5

Fun for Kids: It's a well published fact that kids hate the letter "I". Maybe they wouldn't if Indiana embodied one, ala Sesame Street. It's just an idea. 1

Total MQ (Mascot Quotient): 10

10. The Illinois Fighting Illini

Origin: The Illini is a name given to a group of six tribes from the upper Mississippi area that inexplicably has seventeen members(according to wikipedia). I guess that makes them a perfect fit for the Big Ten/Eleven. Normally, as you saw with the placement of FSU at the top of the ACC mascots, Native American tribe mascots earn big time points for their historical value and warrior mentality. But the Illini tribes weren't really all that great. Most of them were stricken by disease when the Europeans started immigrating. What was left of the tribe was easily carted to Oklahoma when manifest destiny overtook their land. 3

Name of Mascot: Formerly Chief Illinikwek, now nothing. 1

Fear Factor: Hard to be scared of a bunch of sickly Native Americans. On the plus side, a member of the Peoria tribe, one of the seventeen/six tribes, was responsible for assassinating legendary Iroquois chief Pontiac. Presumably while covered in measles. 6

Rallying Cry: The school used to have a dancing, offensive Native American named Chief Illiniwek, but he was banned by the new NCAA rule. Illinois was not backed by any tribe, as FSU was, so the Chief was tomahawked. Kinda hard to get pumped about a mascot that doesn't have your back. 1

Fun for Kids: Who doesn't love teaching their child the joys of racisim? 0

Total MQ: 11


9. The Minnesota Golden Gophers

Origin: Minnesota is often referred to as the Gopher state, hence the nickname taken by it's namesake university. The reason Minnesota is called this, is due to a 1857 political cartoon depicting gophers with politician heads, pulling a locomotive. Hilarious! The cartoon was in response to local politicians passing a very expensive bill to fund train construction, an event not worthy of being remembered every time Minnesota plays sports. The "golden" moniker comes from an old announcer appropriately describing their all gold uniforms. 4

Name of Mascot: Goldy Gopher 4

Fear Factor: Gophers are small herbivores that live in large families underneath big open fields. These "gopher towns" can grow to be several acres and occupy a thousand gophers. Their elaborate tunnels eventually kill all plant life in the area, turning the once beautiful meadow into a dust bowl. Also, one of them really pissed off Bill Murray. 3 

Rallying Cry: The team aspect of gophers is definitely a plus, but unless you've got a couple years to kill while your team digs intricate tunnels under the field, it's hard to rally behind a gopher. 1 2 3 Burrow! 2

Fun for Kids: Gophers are depicted in the media as being fun-loving mischievous characters. Although he ain't scaring opponents, kids probably do love Goldy. 8

Total MQ: 21

8. The Northwestern Wildcats

Origin: Northwestern University used to go by the nickname, "The Purple." As unoriginal as Wildcats is, it's better than the purple. Realizing that their colorful nickname was so uncreative that it was bordering on creative, conservative Northwestern decided to adopt a newspaper headline that mentioned how the team fought like wildcats in a loss. So not only was the name not creative, and derived from the same old source, it was from a losing effort! The only thing that makes this uncreative nickname somewhat acceptable is that it replaces the other name the team had when they were the purple; "The Fighting Methodists." 5

Name of Mascot: Willie the Wildcat 5

Fear Factor: Contrary to popular belief, "wildcats" is not a collective term for all cougars, pumas, lynxes, and such. It is a feral cat that is very similar to the domesticated house cat, except that when it kills birds and mice, it eats every part of the body, instead of just leaving a bloody carcass on your porch as a trophy. 6

Rallying Cry: If you're worried about Illinois wildcats attacking your children, you can relax. Wildcats only live in Europe, Africa, and Asia, nowhere near Evanston, Illinois. Go Wildcats! As soon as we finish crossing the Atlantic that is! 2

Fun for Kids: The kids don't have to worry about any actual attacks from feral cats, just wet ones from Willie. 5

Total MQ: 23

7. The Ohio State Buckeyes

Origin: The buckeye tree is the state tree of Ohio. There's really nothing more to this origin story. That's it. It's just a damn tree that produces large nuts that British people use to play a ridiculous sounding game called, "Conker." Which made me learn why the Nintendo squirrel of the same name was called that. Other than that, I got nothing. 1

Name of Mascot: Brutus the Buckeye 10

Fear Factor: Buckeyes are very hard, very round nuts, that can be found aplenty all throughout Ohio. Imagine getting pelted by these things by 100,000 screaming OSU fans at the Horseshoe. I think I'd rather be stoned to death. 5

Rallying Cry: O-H-I-O. That's what they'll be screaming as they bombard you with more nuts in your face than George Michael in a public bathroom. 4

Fun for Kids: The one thing that puts OSU this far up the list is their mascot, Brutus. While most schools would have backed down when facing the challenge of embodying a buckeye, OSU said nuts to that, and named him Brutus. Brutus is truly one of the coolest and toughest looking mascots of all time. Oh and the kids love that nut too. 6

Total MQ: 26

6. The Iowa Hawkeyes:

Origin: Iowa takes their name from their state as well. The hawkeye nickname is most likely derived from the character, "Hawkeye" from "The Leatherstocking Tales", and the less gay adaptation, "Last of the Mohicans." Hawkeye was a half white, half Native American warrior, played by milkshake loving Daniel Day Lewis. Apparently he was also last of the Mohicans. All this is well and good , except the events of this story took place in New York, nowhere near Iowa. So I guess they just really liked "The Leatherstocking Tales." Because reading is fun-damental. 7

Name of Mascot: Herky the Hawk 2

Fear Factor: Hawkeye the mixed race warrior, lived by the motto, "One shot, one kill." Which has been adopted by Iowa frat guys but altered a little to, "One shot, Jagremeister." 8

Rallying Cry: Daniel Day-Lewis is pretty damn cool, but he was one single warrior, with little hope of carrying on the name of his people. Not exactly the game day speech I wanna give to my team. Plus, Iowa has chose not to focus on the badass aspects of their name, instead translating it literally into a Hawk's eye. Go eyeballs! 6

Fun for Kids: Iowa alumnus or not, I would smack my child fierce if he wanted the autograph of something called Herky. 4

Total MQ: 27

5. The Michigan Wolverines:

Origin: According to Marvel Lore, James "Logan" Howlett was a wolverine cub who evolved at an alarming rate due to the interference of an omnipotent being. He has the charchteristics of a wolverine, but he can also walk upright and fart. Also somewhere down the evolutionary chain, wolverines apparently adopted the ability to heal themselves. The Univeristy of Michigan thought this, and his maize and blue X-Men uniform were really cool so they made him their mascot. I have no evidence of this, but neither does wikipedia, so it must be true. 10

Name of Mascot: N/A I'm adopting Wolverine the X-Man simply for this article, they actually have no mascot. 0

Fear Factor: When engaged in close combat, Wolverine will often go into "berserk mode," giving him a burst of speed and strength and making him less vlunerable to psychic attacks. Beat that Brutus! 10

Rallying Cry: Wolverine Ho! Wouldn't it be cool if Wolverine made an appearance on the Thundercats? It seems like the most natural crossover in all of cartooning. 6

Fun for Kids: Who doesn't love playing with their retractable adamanium claw gloves? Plus, Wolverine makes being hairy cool, which makes little kids respect their football loving dads even more. 5

Total MQ: 31

4. The Wisconsin Badgers

Origin: The last of the same as state schools, Wisconsin is known as the badger state, but not after the suprisingly ferocious mammal. It comes from a term used to describe prospectors who came in search of minerals, but came away empty-handed. Apparanetly, to stay warm dry and homeless, they would burrow into the sides of hills like badgers. Which proves my theory that people will do anything to have gold plated teeth as cool as Marshawn Lynch's. 7

Name of Mascot: Bucky Badger 7

Fear Factor: The badger is one of nature's scrappiest creatures. These ferocious little beasts have been known to fight off wolves, coyotes, and even bears. They can also run at an alarming 30mph. Bucky might be cute, but his brothers will f you up. 8

Rallying Cry: The image of the small badger taking on the big bear and winning, probably gets deployed at least twice a year when Wisconsin faces OSU and Michigan. 6

Fun for Kids: Like I said before, Bucky is an adorable little guy, but I still wouldn't let him near my children. But I would before I would let them near those dirty prospectors. 5

Total MQ: 33

3. Purdue Boilermakers

Origin: The name boliermaker comes from a term a local newspaper used, to describe the men who played on the football team. Why? Because back in the older, more manly days, going to engineering school meant actually bending steel with your bare hands. Students would spend most of their time working in the forge room, learning the ropes of their soon to be jobs. I imagine after molding steal all day, molding opposing teams to the ground was cake. The newspaper quote comes from the aftermath of a 44-0 victory. 10

Name of Mascot: Purdue Pete 4

Fear Factor: There is nothing more synonomous with footbal than big burly men in hard hats. These men will wrap rebars around your neck and drive you into the ground with a sledgehammer. 8

Rallying Cry: Just like the Pittsburgh Steelers, Purdue's mascot gets down to the blue-collar roots of the game. When you have 300+ pound guys without shirts on, with nothing better to do than curse at you, you play your damn heart out. 10

Fun for Kids: Teach your kids at an early age that growing up in a small town means low pay and a crappy job, or abandoning your family for greener pastures. Good times! 2

Total MQ: 34

2. The Penn State Nittany Lions

Origin: Named after the mountain lions that used to roam near campus from nearby Mt. Nittany, the Nit....wait a sec, did I just type that right? They used to roam around campus? I suppose the students of back in the day Penn State would laugh at the notion of a school shooter. How would he ever get past the lions? 10

Name of Mascot: The Nittany Lion 3

Fear Factor: If the thought of actual mountain lions potentially wandering on the field hadn't already scared the crap out of your opponents, how about this fun fact: the mountain lion's primary attack is the neck lunge. It will bear down on an animal or linebacker's back, specifically between the vertebrae and the spinal cord. So even if you survive, you'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life. 10

Rallying Cry: The squelching roar of a mountain lion will send shivers down even the fattest O-lineman's about to be ripped apart spine. 9

Fun for Kids: As ferocious as their mascot is, Penn State did a good job of making their mascot look as goofy as humanly possible. 7

Total MQ: 39

1. The Michigan State Spartans.

Origin: Originally called "The Staters," the Michigan State board of trustees decided to name the school after something a little less redundant. The Spartans were inhabitants of a city-state of Greece that was the predominat military power in the region for over 300 years. Their military tactics and overall badassery are still studied to this day. 10

Name of Mascot: Sparty 8

Fear Factor: In the city-state of Sparta, the people were divided up into two main classes; Spartan citizens and hellots(serfs). In addition to having crappy names, the hellots were in constant fear for their life when the leaves turned colors. According to Spartan law, Spartan citizens were allowed to murder hellots with no reprecussions in the autumn season. Whenever Michigan State gets around to scheduling the Division III, Hamstead State Hellots, all hell is gonna break loose. 10

Rallying Cry: Just watch the movie 300. That's all you have to do coach. Just pop in the DVD, and let the wins roll in. 10

Fun for Kids: You're kids will learn an early lesson in homosexuality when the historically acurate Sparty "befirends" your son in a dark hallway. 3

Total MQ: 41

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Should Michael Phelps' Speedo Be Branded With An Asterisk?

Last night Michael Phelps continued his incredible streak into Olympic and possibly sports history as he won his two races of the night. With three more races to go, Phelps is inching ever so close to breaking Spitz' record. Soon all the pundits from across the land will awaken from their hibernation to unleash a full-on debate as to whether or not Phelps is the greatest Olympic athlete ever, and/or the greatest athlete period.

But before he's even made it to the final leg of his epic journey, many are asking if his legacy deserves an asterisk. In this 24-hour sports media generation that we're in, everything is being labeled with a proverbial star, if there's any question to the merit of the achievement. Guilty before proven innocent is the mantra of the day. So, with the ho-hum proceedings of world records being broken in swimming, Phelps' achievements are in doubt.

The LZR Speedo racer is a breakthrough in swimming technology that hasn't been seen since some cross-dressing swimmer took a lady Bic to his legs, and  then proceeded to beat all of his hairy competitors. World records are being broken in every race, sometimes by a few seconds. In last night's 200m Freestyle Relay, where Phelps won his fifth gold, the U.S. men broke the world record by about three seconds. The collective reaction? A big fat yawn.

In a sport that's often measured in hundredths of a second, a world record being broken by three seconds should be one of the greatest shows of athleticism in all of sports. But the LZR suit, deeper pools, and a change in the way swimmers are allowed to perform strokes, has set a precedent for speed that is just now catching up to the record books. The timing just happened to coincide with the 2008 Olympics, causing all the World Records to fall faster than a drunk Lindsay Lohan in heels.

So unless Speedo learns how to harness the power of the sun and create a exoskeleton that molds to your skin, streamlines your muscle production, gives you three nitro boosts per race, and cures your cancer, then 2012 won't be singing the same tune. World Records won't fall at nearly the rate they are now, because the technology would have already caught up.

But it's not rainy 2012 in London, it's smoggy 2008 in Beijing, and this is Michael Phelps' year. But the question people are asking is; should Phelps' achievements be marred with an asterisk because of the overall increased speed of the sport? I think the answer should without a doubt be no.

First off, he isn't using a substance that's either illegal or a competitive advantage; any swimmer can use the LZR if they want, and most of them do. So Barry Bonds he is not. The fact that all the other competitors have the exact same advantages, completely erases the argument in my mind. When the three-point line was instituted in basketball, did anybody question the scoring records that consequently fell in the years that followed?

But of course basketball is a team sport, so it's hard to give a straight line comparison. So I turn to an athlete who's achievements are right on par with those of Phelps; Tiger Woods. When Tiger was smashing tournament records in 2000, was anybody questioning whether the improved club technology and his game-changing workout regiment, should render his accomplishments as less than? Of course not.

And like swimming will do in the following years, golf adapted to Tiger and the new technology, making it more difficult for the records to be smashed. Did that change Tiger's winning ways? No, and neither will it Phelps. Because as the years go by, the margins of victory will fade away into the annals of Wikipedia, but the win itself will always live on.
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Mascot Mania: Ranking the Mascots of the ACC

You might have noticed the last few days there has been a lack of posts, and that yours truly is the only one writing said posts. That would be because my partner Phil, is on a leave of absence. Phil will be attending a "Finding the Inner Woman in You" seminar for the next week, leaving me alone with WHAS. Phil's new found sexuality means two things: one, their will only be about two or three posts a day, instead of four or five, and two, he won't be able to do his feature posts on Wednesday and Thursday. So in celebration of the upcoming college football season I introduce to you:

Mascot Mania: Ranking the Mascots of the BCS

From today until Saturday, I'll be breaking down and ranking each of the six BCS conference's mascots. The rankings are based on which team's logo/mascot/nickname best exemplifies the spirit of competition. A figurehead that instills fear in it's opponents and provides a rallying cry for their players and fans. So join me as I indicate, inform, and irritate those who's teams who's mascot are sub-par. First up, The ACC.

12. The Virginia Tech Hokies

One of the biggest detractors for me in ranking any school's mascot, is a nonsensical name. How is one supposed to rally behind something that has no physical embodiment? 

The term hokie comes from the school's fight song, which begins, "Hokie Hokie Hy." It is basically the equivalent of the term "Rah." As is the case for many of the mascots on the lists this week, the hokie doesn't translate into costume, so the school is forced to adopt a secondary mascot. This in itself is a drawback to the team's image. 

When naming the mascot, shouldn't that have been a factor in eliminating it from consideration? But, if given a chance to supplement your clearly stupid choice of a mascot, the school should at least get it right the second time. But the boys from Blacksburg chose a turkey. 

The "gobblers", as they're known, most likely comes from a legend about the VT football players' ability to gobble down food. So Virginia Tech players are supposed to rally around a gluttonous turkey that goes, "Rah"? It's a good thing VT has arguably the best fans in the ACC, canceling out arguably the dumbest mascot in the BCS.

11. The UNC Tarheels

Let the hate mail commence. It seems that in the minds of most media outlets, UNC can do no wrong. But this has nothing to do with wins, championships, or pretty colors; it's about how a school reps itself in foam, rubber, and in this case print. 

I'm sorry UNC fans, your nickname sucks. The name tarheel, which is also the state nickname, comes from....well nobody really knows. There are a whole slew of theories out there. One story has North Carolina soldiers in the Revolutionary War dumping pine tar into the now aptly named Tar River, causing British soldiers to get sticky heels when they crossed. 

Another comes from the fact that North Carolina was the last state to secede during the civil war. But, most likely the term is just a derogatory slang word that outsiders had for the pine tarring workers of the state. Pine tarring is a smelly, disgusting job that most wouldn't even think of doing. So calling someone a tarheel was the equivalent of calling someone a shit shoveler. Well, if that's not a figure I want to rally around I don't know what is. 

The offensive tarheel is a much crappier mascot than the nonsensical hokie, but like VT, UNC had a second chance because the tarheel doesn't translate into costume. And as horrible as the tarheel is. the ram is a great mascot, especially for football. It invokes the sentiment of a hard nosed, grind-it-out mentality that a football team often utilizes. So, the ultra-cool ram slightly neutralizes the offensive tarheel, giving UNC the edge over Virginia Tech.

10. The Maryland Terrapins

A whole lot of things wrong with this one. First, the mascot's official name is, Testudo, which is Latin for "protective shell." Implementing a dead language only used by scientists and priests to name your mascot is ridiculous enough. 

But choosing a Latin name that sounds like the protagonist in a fantasy porn film is even worse. I think the porn's tag-line would read: "Join Testudo and his sidekick Phallus as they save Sexylvania by ransacking the booties of all the maiden's in the land." But regardless of that, it's still a freaking turtle. 

Not a snapping turtle, or a giant Galapagos turtle, but a diamondback terrapin, a small, brackish water turtle. So not only can the poor bastard only live in water that's salty and fresh at the same time, it's only defense is to hide in it's shell; which anyone who's ever stepped on a turtle knows isn't so great. 

But I will give the University of Maryland credit for making lemonade out of lemons. In both the logo and the mascot, the terrapin is depicted as being ferocious, and it does look like it would snap your head off. But I think even a really loud "Hokie" would send it hiding in it's shell.

9. The Duke Blue Devils

A classic case of coming so close and then falling flat on your face. If they were simply known as the Duke Devils, they would probably be in the top three. The alliterative association with the prince of darkness would no doubt meet the requirement of instilling fear in your opponents. 

While Conservative christian players might have a hard time rallying around it at first, a senior linebacker would no doubt pile drive the bible beater and then politely tell him it's just a damn mascot. In football there is no religion and politics, only manliness. 

But the "I'm better than thou" Dookies, chose to name their mascot in honor of the "les Diables Bleus," a French regiment of soldiers in WWI. It's no wonder everyone in America hates your team. The idea of naming your school after a group of soldiers is good. But instead of the "we lose every war" French, how about naming your team the "Roughriders," the name of the rough and tumble soldiers that Teddy Roosevelt led during the Spanish American War.

Or if you really like the satanic theme, how about the "Devil Dogs," a common term given to members of the Marines. I also have a hard time associating the term with anything other than the popular song by Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels. Having a song as a rallying cry can work, but, "Devil in a Blue Dress." isn't exactly "We Will Rock You."

8. The Miami Hurricanes.

The University of Miami has the exact opposite problem as UNC. They have a very cool nickname, with a horrible secondary mascot. 

A hurricane is probably the most destructive and deadly mascot in all of sports. Until Colgate University changes it's name to the Colgate Cancer, the hurricane will always reign supreme. But, as the Carolina Hurricanes and Iowa State Cyclones also found out, embodying a force of nature just doesn't translate to foam. So Miami turned to a lanky bird. 

As I'll cover more later in the week, I'm not a fan of bird mascots. The only time birds have been scary were as a giant pecking pack, in Hitchcocks' "The Birds." So unless a team names itself after a group of birds, I'm not for it. That said, I'm officially petitioning Fordham Univerity to change it's name to the Fordham Flock of Seagulls. 

But I will give credit to the U for making the Ibis look somewhat threatening. It looks like a drunk sailor ready to fight. The long, sharp beak is also intimidating, able to poke the eye out of it's competitors. But then why the hell does their mascot look like Howard the Duck? The threatening Ibis has been neutered of it's once deadly weapon and is now just a drunk duck sailor. But the deadly hurricane helps propel Miami above the others.

7. The Boston College Eagles

Yet another bird. Why are so many teams named after birds? I realize that you want to separate yourself from the millions of Wildcats and Tigers, but birds are nature's dumbasses. Someone stupid is called "bird-brained" for a reason. 

But, if you're gonna pick a bird, at least pick a good one. The list of acceptable birds is: Hawks, condors, falcons, and eagles. These are predatory creatures who spend most of their time looking for unsuspecting creatures to dive-bomb.

And I can't argue against the correlation between Boston's position in our nation's history, and the national bird of our country. Boston is one of the few cities, along with Philadelphia that can choose the eagles without any question. 

Also, the name of their mascot is "Baldwin the Eagle" which conjures visions of Alec Baldwin running around the field squawking, which would be simply hilarious. However it could also make you think of Stephen Baldwin, which no person should ever have to do.

6. The Clemson Tigers

Without a doubt, the tiger is a great symbol of honor and fear. The image of a prowling tiger guarding it's young will make even the bravest men dampen their pants. 

Tigers are creatures that demand to be fed giant hunks of raw meat,that they rip apart with their huge fangs and sharp claws. Clemson however, chose not to focus on this aspect at all. 

Instead they gave us "Mr. Tiger" in all his goofy Winnie the Pooh glory. No, you know what, I take that back, even Tigger is scarier than that goofy cat to my right. In theory, Tigger could bounce up in the air, stick out his claws and gore you on the rebound. 

He also has a cooler name than the creative Mr. Tiger. If you're going to name a tiger I suggest Tygra, after the baddest Thunder Cat of them all. But Clemson just proves my theory that if you're stuck coming up with a good team name, no matter how redundant, Tiger or Wildcat guarantees you'll be better than at least half the mascots in your conference.

5. The Virginia Cavaliers

To rate UVA, we need to first learn what a cavalier really is. Cavalier can mean an aloof attitude towards a particular subject. Which would put Virginia down with it's in-state brethren in the nonsensical name category. 

But obviously, Thomas Jefferson's school chose to go with the term used to describe royalist supporters of King George during the English Civil War. One could point out that a school in the state of presidents, and home of the capital of the confederacy, shouldn't name themselves after supporters of the English monarchy, but the cavaliers we're no ordinary aristocrats. 

They were men with great honor but little cause. They would gladly die for their King, the only idol these godless men worshipped. Think the Three Musketeers, but British. They were the type of guys who would fight you with a sword in one hand, and hold a wineglass with the other. 

Between parrys, thrusts, and drinks, they would spout off witty insults that you wouldn't understand, and then gut you. You're probably wondering why these debonair swordsmen wouldn't be higher than fifth on the list. Well Virginia also goes by the nickname Wahoos. Rather than dive into a rant about this ridiculous name, I'll just move on and stay away from the state of Virginia.

4. The Wake Forest Demon Deacons

I struggled with where to put Wake Forest on this list. Originally I had them much lower, as religious monikers don't normally tend to register high on the intimidation scale. But when I was searching for pictures, the scowling deacon logo made me rethink my decision. 

Look at that guy and tell me he doesn't stir up images of an old-school Baptist parishioner that would literally beat you with his bible if you acted out in church. I think everyone has had some negative childhood experience with a super-religious adult who choose Jesus beats you over Jesus loves you as a Christian motto. 

It also doesn't hurt that Wake Forest's deacon rides into games on a motorcycle. Tell me you would mess with the guy in full top hat and tails riding on a Harley, and I would call you a liar. 

Just in case childhood trauma doesn't make you fear them, Wake Forest added the "Demon" just to make sure you know this isn't no ordinary man of God.

3. The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

For every kid who had a horrible experience with religious adults, there are two had one with yellow jackets. But these stinging menaces aren't particularly aggressive unless you mess with their hive. Okay, cool, just stay away from their home and you're okay. 

Unfortunately, as many a summer camper has found out, yellow jackets usually nest in the ground, and you don't see them until your walking stick pokes one of them in the eye. And now, you've awoken a beast. 

Able to sting multiple times, possibly killing those allergic, the yellow jacket defiantly strikes fear in any man. But what really propels the Yellow Jackets into the top three is the other mascot they have, the "Ramblin' Wreck."

 A gold-painted roadster complete with beautiful women and rallying banners that say "Give 'em Hell Jackets," it rolls out on the field ready to run your tigers and cavaliers into the ground. Now if they could only train a swarm of bees to circle the car as it makes it's way onto the field, the Yellow Jackets would probably top the list.

2. The N.C. State Wolfpack

North Carolina State's mascot exemplifies everything a mascot should be. The fear factor isn't even a question. Even though most of us don't live in areas that wolves call home, anyone who's camped out before still trembles when they hear a dog howling in the distance.

Which brings up another point. Associating yourself with wolves allows you the right to use the wolf howl as a rallying cry. No matter if it's a drunk guy thumping his chest with his shirt off, or Michael J. Fox as he drives the lane in the eighties, the wolf howl strikes fear into the hearts of opponents.

The other factor that puts N.C. State over the top is the fact that it's a pack of wolves. Wolves are known for being protective of each other, only hunting in groups, and using their numbers to their advantage. 

The unity metaphors that a coach can implement are endless. Use your "pack mentality" to "circle your opponents" while being "hungry like a wolf." The only negative is the constant urge to play Duran Duran at home games.

1. The Florida State Seminoles

The only thing scarier than being surrounded by a pack of wolves is a tomahawk flying at your forehead. Many sports teams have used the honorable warrior mentality of the Native Americans as a rallying image for their team. Unfortunately most are also an image of blatant racism.

 But not Florida State, who when the NCAA banned offensive stereotypes as school mascots, received a special exception due to the overwhelming approval of the Seminole tribe of Florida. Why did the Seminoles endorse a possibly offensive image? Because the Seminoles eat stereotypes for breakfast. 

This is no ordinary Native American tribe. After many of their weak compatriots were driven out of Florida and into the west, about 400 or so Seminoles stuck around to fight. Hardening themselves by living in the Everglades and probably inventing alligator wrestling in the process, the Seminoles weren't going anywhere. 

In the wars that followed between the new Floridians and the Seminoles, the swamp boys killed 1,500 soldiers, which was at least triple the number of Seminoles that stayed behind. Eventually the soldiers gave up and even offered them two seats in the Florida congress, which the Seminoles proceeded to wipe their asses with. So, for choosing a mighty and fearsome icon, and for reminding us all of the history of the aptly named "Unconqured People," FSU wins the contest for best mascot in the ACC.

Hope you enjoyed the first instalment of this week's special feature. Feel free to voice your opinions about the list in the comments below. Tomorrow, we'll be looking at mascots from the Big Ten.

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