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Regular readers of WHAS (if you've only been around for a week do you really have "regular" readers?) will notice that we've added a new element to our posts. A change so mind-blowing and revolutionary that I can't tell you about it just yet.

But I tell you what, if you promise to keep this information between you, me, and the other 433 readers of WHAS, then lets go for a ride. Just click on that link below that says "Continue Reading." Don't be afraid, take the plunge.

And then here we are. Not as exciting as you thought right? I admit I built up that hype for no other reason than to demonstrate the story preview feature we've added to the site. Instead of having full posts of our drivel clogging your browser you'll see a few paragraphs of material only, and then if you're feeling curious you can click the link to expand the post.

We think you'll like having this sort of setup and if you don't we'll still keep it anyway. But we would feel sorry for you for a couple of extremely emotional seconds.

However, on that note we always love to hear from our dedicated readers with questions, ideas, hate mail, Viagra solicitations, etc. We can be reached anytime at:

WetHotAmericanSports@gmail.com

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Dick Pound Hates Rubbing Rods

Got your attention with that one, didn't I? Okay, so I was a little liberal with the verbiage, but the gist of it is true. The Associated Press is reporting that the IOC was extremely unhappy with the wave of protests that followed the torch relay on its way to Beijing, and could look into canceling the event in the future. But what makes this a difficult news story for a fourteen-year-old sports anchor is the involvement of Canadian member Dick Pound.


Dick Pound rose to sexual innuendo prominence as the head of the World Anti-Doping Association during which he made a constant attack on the Tour de France, and most notably Lance Armstrong. Well the cruelly named is back at it again with a knee jerk response to a paper tiger. Asked about the recent torch relays, Pound had this to say,

"This came very close to becoming a disaster," he said. "The risks were obvious and should have been assessed a little more carefully. The result is there was a crisis affecting the games."

First off, were the protests really all that bad? I'll admit I didn't follow that closely, but the worst thing I seem to remember was the Rick Rolling in San Fransisco. As horrible as Rick Astley is, its no reason to cancel a tradition as old as the games them self.

Second, by cancelling the torch relay because of a negative response to China's foreign policy, you are sending out the wrong message. Normally, most of the world would tune out or be ignorant of the way China treats Tibet or its own people, but by hosting the Olympics, they are exposing themselves to the world. Shouldn't freedom of expression be able to make its way to the Olympic stage, especially if its in the name of World Peace?

And Last, by stamping out the torch relay, you're killing one of the few international bonds that we have left in this world. The torch relay, Live Aid, and Internet Porn; are the last true world bridging activities available. With Live Aid getting suckier every time its held, and now the torch relay possibly on the out, web porn is our last bastion of hope. Once again proving my theory that porn is the key to the survival of the human race.

The AP Report is here (CONTINUE READING)

The Tuesday Ten

Here at WHAS, we tend to get all information the Internet way: secondhand. We peruse the webs for stories that pique or interest and then proceed to make elementary school jokes and half-assed opinions about them. So, naturally this Brett Favre things has put a stopgap on the flow of story variety. Therefore the only thing I could come up with for the inaugural Tuesday Ten is some more Favre related dribble:




The Top Ten Things Brett Favre Could Do If He Had Stayed Retired

10. Go Fishing.

With all the talk Brett gave during and after his announced retirement, you would think that the man really loves fishing. So why was he only satisfied with one month this summer? And worse yet, he confined himself to his home state of Mississippi. 

Number four could have taken an expedition up to Alaska to catch salmon with his bare hands. He could have flown to Japan to catch Koi from an elderly man's pond, or he could shoot wild steelhead with Michael Ian Black in Oregon. There's a whole world of fishing out there Brett and I'm sure that cannon of an arm would impress all the local bassmasters.

9. Become a Mentor. 

Rumor has it, Favre was working out at a local high school to stay in shape for the comeback he knew was coming from day one. But instead of just running up and down stadium steps by yourself Brett, why not invite a couple of the local teens to join you. 

The bonding you would have with the young sprites as y'a'll baked in the southern sun taking breaks for tall glasses of iced tea, would be priceless. Who knows, maybe one of the kids will contract some incurable disease, and you and the other kids will go on a worldly trip to save his life. It could happen. And if it did, the book and movie rights would make you more money than you ever would playing for the Packers.

8. Learn Karate.

The first time I ever really started to like Brett Favre was during a Monday Night Football game where he was mic'd up. At the game, Pat Morita of "Karate Kid" fame was walking around the sidelines for a reason I don't remember. But Favre's eyes lit up like a elementary-schooler at a Hannah Montana concert when he saw the Hollywood martial artist. 

If he hadn't recently passed away, I would suggest he hire Morita, pick up some 80's lycra and day-glo, and live the dream. But there are any number of suitable replacements. Learn the ways of the East and the way to the perfect Philly Cheesesteak with Steven Segal. Brush up on your roundhouse kicks and your knowledge of Texas law enforcement with Chuck Norris. Or just pay Martin Kove (The actor who played the leader of Cobra Kai) to dress up and let you kick him the face repeatedly.

7. Train for London.

Brett Favre is 38, so that would mean by the time the 2012 Olympics in London rolled around, he would be 42. Roughly the same age as geriatric swimming phenom Dara Torres. So it's not out of the realm of possibility that he could do it. He's fit, competitive, and I bet he loves the heck out of his country. 

But what sport would he compete in. Water Polo? Equestrian? Rhythmic Gymnastics? I'm placing my bets on the shot put. He's got that cannon of an arm, so it wouldn't take much tweaking. He's got the spin move nailed down from avoiding sacks all those years. And finally, he could finally start taking steroids now that all he has to deal with is the mismanaged WADA.

6. Become a Country Musician.

You have a southern accent. You've been known to strum a guitar. You have a permastubble beard, and you have plenty of money to hire someone to write and produce songs about women and drinking for you. Congratulations you can be country music's next star! 

Team up with Kid Rock for a rip-roaring crossover, make Deanna jealous with your duet with Sheryl Crow, and Boot Scoot with Billy Ray as you release your album, "Lambeau Love Songs." With such great hits as "She thinks my Cheesehat's sexy", "Mike Holmgren's Jugtime Tune", and "You look Good in My Sweat Stained Jersey" Favre is bound for success.

5. Start acting again.

Everyone knows about Favre's brush with acting in the movie, "Something About Mary," which tuned him into a popular Trivial Pursuit question. So, why stop there Brett? 

Throw on a few pounds, question your place in life and suit up for coach Eastwood. The coming of age tale you two could produce together about a little boy from Mississippi who witnesses some sort of abortion or sex change operation that scars him for life will be Oscar Gold. Or you could put on thirty layers of latex, develop a fondness for French, and adapt some graphic novel for the big screen with Guillermo del Toro. Or just return to your roots and let the Farrelly Brothers team you up with Jimmy Fallon in a movie about a talking banana.

4. Spend Money.

His final contract for the Green Bay Packers was worth somewhere close to one hundred million dollars. Which again makes me ask the question; why can't athletes stay retired? Seriously, you have over one hundred million dollars, how can you not keep yourself entertained? 

Do you miss the players? You could probably afford to buy out the entire practice squad of the Packers to sit around a locker room replica at your mansion. Do you miss the fans? Hire local high schoolers to get drunk and sit in grandstands outside your house. Every time you get the paper, you'll be greeted by painted beer bellies and girls screaming to have your baby. Or Is it the competition you miss? Use your dumptrucks full of money to buy thirty Chinese sweatshop workers to form a dodgeball league. It's win-win really. You free them from oppression and you get to wail on communism with the red rubber of capitalism.

3. Have Sex with Your Wife.

Deanna Favre is very hot. She is one seriously smoking brunette who I would do innumerable dirty things to. You sir are one lucky man and you should treat that woman right. Take her to a private beach in the Carribean for a week. Just you her and the gentle roar of the ocean. 

You approach her wearing your ripped khakis and white linen shirt holding a bottle of Chateaux Royale Number Five and two glasses. She sits on the huge goose down blanket strewn on the beach, her skin aglow from the tropical sun. You gently caress her....you know what screw the book and movie rights to the dying kid story, you could make a killing with the Favre series of romance novels.

2. Take the $20 million.

Reportedly the Packers were going to offer Brett Favre in the upwards of twenty million to be a spokesperson/hand model for the next few years for the Green Bay Packers. Considering number one draft pick commentators like Michael Strahan are only getting $2 million a year, it sounds like a pretty sweet deal.  And they actually have to do real work. 

All you'd have to do is show up to a couple of fundraiser dinners, shake a few hands, pretend to enjoy hanging out with poor kids for The United Way, and you're done. They're going to continue to profit on you one way or another, this way you get some extra cash, and they get to make their Brett Favre waffle irons they've been dying for.

1. Be Aaron Rodgers' Friend.

You guys could have been best buddies. His California attitude, your Southern charm; you could have been a dynamic duo of dudedom. You could watch over his shoulder as he struggles, encouraging him to keep on plugging, while you sip hot cocoa in the hotel, waiting for him to arrive and tell you all about his day. When he finally retires, as the number two quarterback in Packers history, the two of you can laugh about how Bubba Frank used to spit when he talked, and how Donald Driver had a fondness for Booberry cereal. You could talk into the wee hous of the night, taking the minutes of a club in which only you and him belong. 

But that's not happening, is it Brett? You just had to unretire, casting an ominous shadow on Aaron's standing as the Packer QB of the future and ruining his fragile ego in the process. Way to go Brett. You will never be able to experience the warmth of a homemade Aaron Rodgers afghan. Have fun in training camp, douche.

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Agony in Victory, Joy in Defeat

Tiger Woods, Trevor Immelman, and Padraig Harrington. Quick, what do all three of this year's major winners have in common besides fat wallets? Time's up. Did you say all three were injured going into the tournament? If so you would be correct.

Harrington had a limp wrist, Immelman was previously chasing the golf ball in the form of a giant tumor on his neck, and Wood's metal infrastructure was cracked a bit. So logic dictates that the winner of the PGA Championship this year at Oakland Hills is going to be one gimpy golfer.

In a piece for Golfweek.com, Jeff Rude ponders who will be the next injured player to win this year. He mentions Aaron Oberholser's constant medical issues, David Tom's bad back, Vijay's Ribs, and even Tiger Woods hobbling down the fairway in crutches. But by not looking outside the box, Rude is missing the obvious choice: John Daly. SIDE NOTE: I'm starting a franchise called Vijay's Ribs, the profits sound delicious.

John Daly has been battling a multitude of ailments for some time right now. For one, his hyper-hooto-glycema (A severe need to ingest at least 30 Hooters Wings every day) has been acting up for the past month. Not to mention his Myto-coorsial-infarction (Excruciating desire to pound Coors Light).

But worst of all is his acute Bawiddaba Syndrome. (The overwhelming urge to hang out with Kid Rock). In the history of the PGA, nobody has ever won a tournament suffering from Bawiddaba. But in this strangest of years in golf, Daly could be the first ever to do it. With wings in one hand, tallboy of Coors in the other, and with Kid Rock caddying by his side, Daly could be well on his way to his second PGA championship. As long as he gets over his Grudenitis that is.

Jeff Rude's damaged goods.
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"Fox NFL Sunday" Has Six Anchors as Strahan, Gap in His Teeth, Join Team

Okay so the deal happened around late June, but today I witnessed my first ever Michael Strahan, the broadcaster, sighting. And let me tell you, he was PIMP. Wearing a retro black army style shirt with shoulder straps, which was buttoned down to reveal his manly chest, Strahan was displaying charisma and style. Doing a cameo for ESPN's Brett Favre-aploozza today, the former Giant showed why he's the next coming of Barkley.

Not since the round mound of rebound became the round mound of sound have I so eagerly anticipated a player's retirement. Not because of a hatred for the Giants or Strahan as a player, but because of what lied ahead. We have gotten to see glimpses of the affable Mike in interviews and guest appearances on pregame shows throughout the years, and each time he has outshined anyone that preceded him. 

Normally, active players that appear on such shows come off as nervous, cold, and stiff. Being a top-notch commentator takes not only a winning personality, but experience at honing your craft. But Strahan was different. When he showed up, everyone else was dwarfed in comparison. He thinks off his feet, his smile is infectious, and his knowledge of the game is superb.

Strahan should easily make everyone forget how badly the Fox team missed James Brown last year. Strahan/Bradshaw will be the NFL's Barkley/Smith. The only difference is; Strahan is both smart and entertaining where as Barkley fills an entertainment need to Kenny Smith's excellent analysis. So as a fellow gaped toother like myself, (Although mine pales in comparison to his) I wish Strahan the best of luck in what should be a brilliant career in the booth. (CONTINUE READING)