B-R-E-T Bretts! Bretts! Bretts!

Well the soap opera, "Bays of Our Lives" is finally coming to a close, and another twist is a fitting end to the story. As of late Wednesday night, it has become official that Brett Favre will be a New York Jet this fall. Even though it seemed like a long shot at first, the New Jersey Jets put together a compelling case for graybeard to throw bombs in the Meadowlands this year. Stolen from underneath Eric Mangini's Calzone at a Cosa Nostra hangout, I present you:

The Top 5 Reasons Brett Favre Will Love The Jets

5. The Jet's Schedule is Cake.

This season the Jets will play only four games against teams that had winning records last year. The Patriots twice, San Diego, and Tennessee. They play four out of the five worst teams from last year, and the worst team, the Dolphins, twice. The only team in the bottom five they don't play against: The New York Jets.

4. I Heart NY will be replaced by I Heart BF

New York will absolutely fall in love with country boy Brett. The New York media and New York fans have always had a special reverence for good ole boys. Whether it's the clean cut and affable Derek Jeter, or the hard-working David Lee, New Yorkers love blue collar guys. New York is such a melting pot of cultures that nobody cares where you're from, they just want you to be approachable and relate to them.

3. The Reunion with Bubba.

Favre will be arriving at training camp to the large arms and spit stained shirt of his old buddy Bubba Franks. The veteran tight end joined the Jets during the off-season after being realsed by the Packers. Anybody who counted out New York in the Favre-off was forgetting how much of a self-proclaimed country boy Favre is. Combine a friend named Bubba with the backwoods setting of the Jersey suburbs and Favre should feel right at home.

2. The Jets Have a Deceptively Good Team.

The defense was a solid, middle of the road squad last year, statistically. But when you factor in two trips versus the thorn in their side, Patriots offensive juggernaut they rank much higher. With the addition of Buckeye bruiser Vernon Gholston and wiley veteran Kris Jenkins, they should be even better. The offense will be markedly better. The addition of Alan Faneca to the O-line will help Thomas Jones and new backup Jesse Chatman break open the running game. The wide receiver corp is already spectacular. Laverneus Coles and Jerricho Cotchery have always been on the cusp of the Pro Bowl. By replacing Pennington's pea-shooter with Favre's cannon expect them to be a dynamic duo this year.

1. He Can Pull Off the Fur Coat

Move over Broadway Joe, Broadway Brett's moving in. No more suffering through the unbearable Wisconsin winters wearing crappy NFL issued vinyl jackets. After Namath's precedent was set its perfectly acceptable to rock the giant, puffy, fur coat in the Meadowlands. But instead of just paying tribute to the man, I say take it to the next level. Kill a grizzly bear, preferably with your hands, skin it, and wear that as your fur coat on your way to the Super Bowl. Not only will you replace Joe Namath as the number one Jet, you'll replace Chuck Norris as the number one badass.

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Four Square, Vandalism, and Your Daily Dose of Favre

When I was in high school I took a job at the YMCA one summer working at their summer day camp. From day one I fell in love with the job. The kids were fun, my coworkers were great, and I basically got paid to beat little kids in basketball. I am terrible at basketball, but little kids are much worse. I continued to work there for the next five years or so but then things started to turn a little. 

The people in charge were slowly changing the image of the camp, making it more Christian and wholesome, and staffing the camp with super nice people that loved to sing about Jesus. Not that there's anything wrong with all that. I mean I love me some Jesus singing and all but I missed the old days. I missed tethering children to the back of the makeshift golf cart and driving through mud puddles. I missed pointing out the female counselors in training that would be most likely to get us arrested. I missed the irony of showing up to work hung over only to lead devotional with my campers an hour later. Yes those were some good times. 

So anyway, one night while trying to impress a fellow female counselor, I decided to bring back the past a little. I grabbed a can of paint out of the art supply closet and proceeded to vandalize the camp with YMCA friendly graffiti. Unfortunately, I made a small mistake with what I thought was a harmless prank; I involved the female counselor. She was the second person grilled about the incident, I of course the first. Well moments after I had just finished polishing off my watertight alibi and schmoozing the big man, she ratted out both of us. So now we finally get to the part of this story that matters. 

Called back into the office moments after lying my ass off, I had to face the big man again. By the way big man isn't some corny slang I use, my boss was literally a very big man. Normally this kind of thing would have been open and shut. "Hi Jason, you just lied to my face about vandalizing a Christian camp, I think you know where the door is." But, I wasn't just some schmo who was hired off the street. I was a hardy veteran who was fully entrenched in the YMCA system. 

I had won countless awards for leadership and pottery making and all other counselor related superlatives. I even was inducted into a special club for YMCA badasses. That's right, if I hadn't smeared tomorrows arts and crafts project all over the bathroom door, I might be wrangling dodgeballs in a gym in Akron right now. 

But there I was, surprisingly relaxed for a man who knew he was getting the boot. My boss and I casually talked about our mutual love for Wolfpack basketball, and just reminisced about the years past. My proverbial career was flashing before my eyes. We both knew the end result: you're fired, we're moving on. Moral of the story: don't ever commit crimes with women. But the reason this story from the past surfaced today is not because of some female hating agenda, but because of our dear friend Brett Favre. (Woah, did he really just turn a quaint little piece about his youth into yet another Brett Favre story? You bet your ass I did. Suck on that ESPN.)

When I read about the meeting McCarthy had with Favre and the eventual outcome, I was taken back to that wet, hot, American summer, and the meeting with the big man. I imagine the five hour meeting with Mike McCarthy was very much the same. Two men with mutual respect for one another chatting about the good ole days, talking about nothing really, but all the while just wanting to have one last goodbye. 

Both men knew going into this meeting what the result was going to be. I mean do you really think Favre went in there and told his coach "I want my job, but I'm not willing to beg for it." Or do you think McCarthy told Favre, "Were willing to let you compete for the job only because the press is killing us and you don't really stand a chance." No, of course not. But one last formality was required and thus the awkward man hug that is firing a legend began. 

McCarthy and Favre respected the decision that each other had to make, as my boss and I did ten years ago. But the one tiny little difference between the scenarios is that I never won the YMCA Super Bowl and didn't set every statistical record for camp counseling. Plus, I was on the down slope of my career, realizing that when a bunch of first graders beat me at four square. 

So, once again and for the final time, I promise, I really hope the Green Bay Packers know what the hell they are doing. Because once he walks out that door, he'll never step foot in that YMCA again, no matter how good the catering in the five hour meeting was. I found my next gig at the Bennigans down the street, and my guess is Favre won't have to drive too far either. Although I looked terrible in Bennigans green, Favre is gonna look pretty good in Vikings purple.

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Dear Mr. Fantasy,

Welcome to the first ever installment of our Monday feature, "Dear Mr. Fantasy," where I make all your wildest fantasies come true. At least those related to fantasy football. So follow me as we go deep down into the depths of fantasy football lore. So join me as I answer a burning question, confess my itching desire, tell you about an amazing rookie, take a couple three point stances, and give you tips on how to draft in 2008.

The Burning Question: "What do I do about this whole Brett Favre mess?"

The short answer: stay pat for now. We finally know Favre's comeback is official and as of right now, he is still a Packer. Rest assured, if he's back, he's gonna start. Whether it's with Green Bay or Minnesota, he will have a big fantasy impact. But, if you're in a league with an early draft, waiting might not be an option for you. This saga could play out for another week or so, but if your draft is before then, plan your move wisely. 

You could pass on some big name QBs in favor of Favre in a late round, but beware: newsmakers usually get gobbled up quick. Chances are, by now everyone in your league knows about this saga, even if they were locked in a cave all month. So don't be surprised if you're expecting to take a flier on Brett in the fifth or sixth, to see him taken by your little sister in the third or fourth.

My Itching Desire: Getting Brett Favre

I'll talk about this later in more detail, but 2008 is a very questionable season for running backs. There's a handful of reliable guys, some unproven rookies, a lot of studs coming off injuries, and new starters throughout. So taking a RB or two early this year is a no-brainer. Which is why Favre is so intoxicating to me. There's a good chance you can pick him up in a late round, and there's a good chance he'll put up huge numbers like he did last year. You grab two stud RBs early and Brett Favre late, you can start clearing your plate in December, you're probably going to the playoffs. 

But I wouldn't put the kind of faith in Favre I would in guys like Brees, Brady , and Manning. Draft a reliable backup or you might pay the price. With the Madden curse, rust, and the still uncertainty of either a new team or Rodgers winning the job, Favre is a more risky proposition than other stud QBS. So if you get him, make sure you have a Schaub or a Cutler waiting in the wings.

Thus concludes the obligatory Brett Favre portion of this column, we now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Rookie to Watch: Matt Forte of the Chicago Bears

The Chicago Bears will run the football. Repeat those words to yourself, take deep breaths, throw a dart at your Cedric Benson effigy head, and pick up Forte. I won't lie, Benson killed me last year in a few leagues. A first round pickup, he was the death of many fantasy teams in 2007, and I understand the wound is still fresh. But Forte is no Benson. The Green Waver of Tulane rushed for over 2,000 yards last season, averaging over 177 yards a game. In a span of three games last year, he had 820 yards. Yes, while Conference USA and the NFL are apples and oranges, if he even puts up half those numbers he's worth the value at where he's projected to get drafted. 

This is a guy you can easily get in the third, fourth, maybe fifth round. Remember, every year at least one rookie running back has a breakout year. While most predict Darren McFadden is the guy, I think he is overvalued where he is being drafted. Because of playing at Tulane, nobody knows who Forte is, so he's going to be a steal. But in case you just miss out on picking him up, take the chance to look at Chris Johnson for the Tennessee Titans. Another C-USA guy, Johnson is a speedster who is gonna get a lot of playing time in run-first Nashville.

Three-Point Stance: RB's Who Suck

Willie Parker. Injury, Roethlisbeger, Mendenhall. These three words define why I don't like Parker at all this year. Parker's coming off a fractured fibula, not a good injury for a halfback. But even without it, he played 15 games last year, where he racked up a whopping two TD's all year. New coach Mike Tomlin has installed a pass first mentality in Pittsburgh with Big Ben pulling the strings. And even if they did reverse the trend and run more, the big bruiser out of Illionois, Rashard Mendenhall is going to see the bulk of the goal-line action.

Julius Jones. Free from the constraints of Marion Barber, Jones is set to fulfill the legacy of Shaun Alexander in Seattle. and by that I mean suck. In the Parker club of multiple TD's (2), Jones only rushed for 588 yards. But that was because the Cowboys were holding him back right? While Jones will see more action in Seattle, Maurice Morris is going to be sharing the load as co-starter.

Marion Barber. People are in love with this guy in 2008 and he's being taken extremely high on draft boards. I can't argue the numbers (12 TDS, over 1,000 total yards), but just name me one RB who did better when given the full-time position after being in a committee situation.

 

Three Point Stance: RB's Who Don't

Joseph Addai. My choice for number two pick behind LT. Manning's receiving corp is thinning while his O-line is getting better. His sophomore slump last year saw him hitting 15 TDs, and over 1,300 total yards. Look for him to bust out of a rut for a huge third year.

Ronnie Brown. The Dolphins suck. Ronnie Brown does not. While at first one can point to either the ACL injury or the departure of Cam Cameron as signs not to take him, I think the reward greatly outweighs the risk. Brown is looking great so far and the Dolphins can't throw the ball to save their life. With the addition of Jake Long, Anthony Fasano, and head coach Tony Sparano, all signs point to a 75/25 running to passing ratio. The only downside, Ricky Williams also is looking really good, and could see a lot of carries.

Larry Johnson. Anyone who saw HBO's "Hard Knocks" last year knew Johnson was going to suck in 2007. Just the way he was carrying himself reeked of overconfidence and a fat paycheck. But this year I think he has something to prove. Staying healthy would help, but so would one quarterback. I think the constant flip-flopping last year hurt LJ bad. Crappy or not, sticking with Brodie Croyle all season will help his numbers tremendously. Plus, Croyle's wife is smoking hot.

Draft Tips to Swear By: Take a Running Back Dammit!

While this advice gets pounded into the brains of young fantasy footballers at a tender age, I can't repeat it enough and this year holds especially true. Outside of the top four: LT, Addai, AP, and Brian Westbrook, there are only a handful of reliable running backs. It's almost impossible to win without at least one stud running back, so hedge your bets. The strategy that seems to work the best for me is a three-pronged attack. 

First, take Mr. Reliable. If you can't get one of the top four guys I suggest guys like Marshawn Lynch, Frank Gore, or Willis McGahee.

Second, pick a guy with a lot of upside. Examples include anyone coming off injury: Brown, LJ, or Steven Jackson, or anyone who had an off-year last year: MJD, Reggie Bush, or Thomas Jones. 

Third, take a rookie. As mentioned before, at least one rookie always has a huge year, and this year I think there could be three or four. There's the aforementioned McFadden, Forte, Mendenhall, and Johnson, but other guys to watch include Felix Jones in Dallas and Jonathon Stewart in Carolina.

 

Well this concludes the first ever Dear Mr. Fantasy. I hope these tips serve you well in the upcoming fantasy season, but really the best way to get a leg up this year is through mock drafts. They're free over at ESPN.com and are a great tool to preparing for where guys are going in this years draft. Next week I'm going to do a mock draft right before I write my column and will then analyze the first few rounds, telling you why I picked who I did. Until then, I'm Mr. Fantasy playing you a tune. (CONTINUE READING)

NFL (Pre) Season Underway: Redskins Own Best Record in Football

Your up-to-the-minute Wet Hot American Sports NFL report: The 2008 (pre) season is finally underway after the annual Hall of Fame game in Canton, Ohio Sunday night. The Redskins and Colts battled in an important (meaningless) contest which ended with Washington earning a decisive 30-16 victory.

The win helps Washington remain undefeated and gives them the best record in the NFL. Their win percentage is an impressive 1.000 and they're currently averaging an NFL-best 30 points per game. The Colts suffered a devastating blow with the loss and are still searching for their first win of the year.


Other News and Notes from the game: Washington proved to be such a formidable and feared opponent that Indianapolis Quarterback Peyton Manning declined even to make the flight to Canton. New Redskins Head Coach Jim Zorn will go down in the history books as enjoying an undefeated career coaching record. All other NFL teams were idle this week. Former Hawaii standout Colt Brennan threw 2 TD's and looked impressive (against a 4th string defense) in the win.

CORRECTION: Brett Favre was not mentioned in this story. The editors apologize for this unfortunate oversight. (CONTINUE READING)

Packers to Open QB Competition. Vegas Odds: Brian Brohm a 5000:1 Underdog

Well if Wendi Nix's ESPN report turns out to be true it looks like the Brett Favre saga just took a turn for the better. For me. For everyone in the Packers organization? Not so much. Nix has sources confirm that after his reinstatement, Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers will compete in training camp for the starting job.

As a response to the report, ESPN's Kevin Seifert penned this article. In it he asks the question, "will this be a fair competition for Favre?" Seifert makes his point by concluding that it'll be impossible for head coach Mike McCarthy to do a 180 on the stance he's made all off-season, "We're moving forward, Aaron Rodgers is our quarterback." But isn't doing a 180 embedded into any coach's DNA?

No other job in the world features more U-turns than coaching. Whether it's Bill Belicheck's injury reports, Nick Saban's unexpected vanishing act, or any statement made about trade rumors, coaches are notorious flip-floppers. So I agree with Seifert that the competition will be unfair; for Rodgers.

If it wasn't for his false retirement this wouldn't even be a question. Favre is the starter, and Rodgers sits on the pine. Last year, greybeard had one of his best years ever. He threw 28 TDs for over 4,000 yards, with a completion percentage of 66.5%, his best ever. He's not injured and he isn't in some sort of contract year. There's no reason to think he wouldn't come out and put up the same numbers. So how does Rodgers even have a shot at the starters job?

The Packers, if the reports are accurate, feel they have no other choice but to let Favre play for them. Favre, from day one, knew he wanted to play, and wasn't going anywhere but the Packers or the Vikings. Seeing as the latter is not even remotely an option, the Packers had to let him come back. And even though they say it's a competition, the option of having Favre, in his prime at the young age of 38, be a backup; is just as scary as him playing for the Vikings.

Rodgers wouldn't stand a chance. Anything short of Tom Brady in Cheeseland and he immediately will feel number four towering over him. With every interception and every errant pass, more and more Packers fans will stop watching the field, and start watching the sidelines. Seeing as he's never started a game in the NFL, I'd say chances are very good he has a rocky season. Adequate is a possibility, good is a stretch, and great is improbable. Even if Rodgers is the next Steve Young, even Young didn't win a QB competition with Joe Montana. (CONTINUE READING)

Maddening Nation

Tired of Brett Favre yet? Well let me squeeze in one more #4 fun fact. A report by The Sporting News showed that in a Madden '09 simulation Aaron Rodgers out performed Favre. With Favre the Packers were 9-7, with Rodgers 12-4, Favre has a completion percentage of who the hell cares? Does anyone put any validity whatsoever into a video game simulation? 

If I was at a sports bar arguing the Favre problem with a buddy and he brought up, "Well Favre only had a 9-7 record in the Madden simulation," I would strike him with my pimping cane. I carry one for just such an occasion.

But in all seriousness, I have never seen anyone read the results of these tests with any more of a reaction than "Oh, that's cool I guess." More and more, be it the NCAA tournament, the NFL playoffs, or a NASCAR race, these video game simulations are being used by Half-time show hacks and ESPN robots. Even when the smoothest of commentators are asked to use them, they often are tripped up as to what to say afterwards. Take this fake conversation between Billy Packer and Jim Nantz for example,

JIM:  "Wow, Bethune-Cookman really gave a beating to Duke in the NCAA Basketball '09 simulation. What do you think about that Billy?" 

BILLY: "You know what? Just go ahead and fire me, I don't need this crap." 

I suppose it's only a matter of time before we just give in to the EA Sports Illuminati, shove the athletes to the side, and just have Sirus the Virus and Marc Dog from "Madden Nation," determine the Super Bowl. In fact, as I'm typing this, Vegas has already posted Sirus the Virus as the favorite with 5:2 odds. 

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Wisconsin Mudslide

Seeing as I've only managed to write about The Green Bay Packers up until this point, one might assume I'm a Packers fan. However, a cheese-head I am not. I put my allegiance with the mighty Miami Dolphins (you can laugh now). But as a Dolphins fan, I know all too well what it's like to fall from grace with a few missteps by management. Oh how I pine for the days of Jimmy Johnson and even the mustachioed one himself: Dave Wannstedt. We would make the playoffs every year and typically field a decent team that could never quite go the distance. Sadly I am also a huge supporter of N.C. State; whose basketball team, once a bastion of championships and greatness, lost to ECU and The University of New Orlean; finishing in last place in the ACC. Once a perennial NCAA tourney attendee under Sendek, we pushed him away for a return to former glory.

I think by now you can see what I'm getting at. With the announcement today that The Green Bay Packers have offered their star running back Ryan Grant a paltry $1.75 million in guaranteed money, an offer Grant called "insulting and an absolute joke" it's only time before the Packers join the Dolphins and Wolfpack in the turn back time machine.

My argument in the Brett Favre situation has been the same from day one: if he wants to come back, you take his ass back and say thank you. With Favre last year, The Packers were one of the best teams in the NFC. They were a serious contender to win it all and produced one of the better offenses in the NFL. But aside from Favre and an aging Donald Driver, who could you name from that offense before the year started? Favre made all those young talented guys reach their potential with his leadership and cannon of an arm.

So you're telling me The Packers are willing to give all that up just because they're mildly irritated that Favre can't make up his mind in a timely fashion? I have absolutely nothing against Aaron Rodgers, but to think that a late first round draft pick is going to be able to just step-in and pick-up from where Favre left off is absurd. I seem to remember at the time of that draft, Rodgers was considered equal to Alex Smith in terms of QB prospects. Smith might not even be the starter come game one this year in San Fran.

I know, I know, they're building for the future and want to see what Rodgers is made of. But the NFL is a win now, rebuild later league. Outside of Foxboro, your window of opportunity for The Super Bowl is extremely small. With Favre, The Packers have a one or two more championship contention years. With Rodgers, they have one or two years of growing pains. Sorry Aaron, but you'll have to wait your turn just a little but longer.

From CNNSI: Favre faxes actual letter of reinstatement. (Hours after mine, mind you)

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A Letter to Brett Favre

Dear Brett,

I just wanted to say how much you have meant to me over the years. Your tutelage on the field and off has been an inspiration to me. You are truly one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of our hallowed sport. I have truly enjoyed spending the last three years of my life together with you. You remember that time we went to Krispy Kreme and you got frosting in your grizzly man-beard and I said you looked like Sasquatch on an oral bender? We laughed and laughed. Which is why it pains me to see you treat me like this. Were we not good friends all these years? Did those macrame anklets we made together mean nothing to you? When you wished me the best of luck and told me how special I was going to be, were you just spitting into the wind? Please Brett don't do this to me. I love you man.

Your ankle buddy always,
Aaron Rodgers

A Letter to Aaron Rodgers

Dear A-Rod,

You're right. I am in fact one of the greatest quarterbacks to play the game. Which is why this is so hard for me. You and me really had something special; I'd be the hero and you'd be the hero's little buddy. But what's going on now is just too hard for me to understand. The little buddy can't be the hero. Can you imagine a TV show called 'Robin'? Of course not, it's called 'Batman.' What if instead of people wrasslin' alligators it was the other way around? You just can't upset the order of the Universe. I'm just doing what's right for the both of us.

Aw shucks I'm right close to making myself cry!


Your friend always,
Brett Favre (hero)

A Letter to Brett Favre

Dear Sex Sasquatch,
(JK Brett! Still BFFs?)

Thank you so much for your quick response to my letter. It's nice to get a quick response isn't it? JK! I must say I tend to disagree with you on both points however. I think "Robin" would make a great TV show. Chris O'Donnell once a week? Can you say Emmy!? And Brett, I know the time we spent together has really flown by; but it's been three years. Elway didn't need three years. You only needed one. (Elway started right away, just pointing that out.) Even Philip freaking Rivers didn't need three years. I mean I was picked #24 overall, a huge investment for the organization. Hate to be a Debbie Downer but you were picked #33 overall. Look, you had a good year. We almost made it to the Super Bowl! If Batman almost made it to the Super Bowl, he would retire too Brett.


Your pal,
Aaron Rodgers (starter)

A Letter to Aaron Rodgers

Dear Hot Rod,

Look, we can still be friends but let's tone down the "BFF" talk. My wife is starting to ask questions. And I don't know if you've heard but I've agreed to stay clear of Packers training camp for a couple of days. Nothing personal bro, I just want the boys upstairs to get their shit together and find me a cozy new home. Because they obviously don't want to win this year. If they did they'd put the best quarterback up for the job. Oh, and the fact that you were drafted higher than me is beside the point. You just have higher expectations. It sure don't help that you've got to follow in my Mississippi footsteps. Nobody can sling a ball like me Aaron! And I've been thinking, if I decide to retire again I can go back to acting. Did you see me co-star with Cameron Diaz?? Good luck in cheese town. I'm hittin' the road.


Later friend,
Brett

A Letter to Commissioner Goodell

Dear Rodger,

I would like to formally apply for reinstatement to the NFL. Specifically just to screw with The Green Bay Packers and one Aaron Rodgers. Here's the best part, I just sent him a letter telling him I was retiring again and becoming an actor. Shooot! Can you imagine me as one of them fancy-schmancy LA boys? The only reason I did that part in "Something About Mary," is because Deanna had a crush on Matt Dillon and I forgot to get her an anniversary gift. Well she got her damn gift alright. I'm also writing to inform you that I was the one who tampered with The Packers, not The Vikings. I do a spot-on Childress. I don't plan on playing for any team but The Green Bay Packers and unless they cut me, I will be the starter come week one, you can bet your ass. Prepare the engravings now Mr. Commissioner, cause ol' Brett's gonna win the Super Bowl.

Respectfully,
Brett Favre (Quarterback)

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