Breaking News: Ron Artest Is Still Ghetto

Well Houston, it looks like you have a problem. When asked about his team's trade for Ron Artest, Chinese Skyscraper Yao Ming said, "Hopefully he isn't fighting anymore and going after a guy in the stands." I think this is a fair concern. Whether it's a just a little joke, which is what I guess it is, or a serious assertion, Ming has a point.

But Artest isn't joking. He thinks Yao simply bought into all the "the propaganda" about him. When asked to explain, the punching Pacer had this to say, 

"I understand what Yao said but I'm still ghetto. That's not going to change. I'm never going to change my culture. I don't think he's ever played with a black player that really represents his culture as much as I represent my culture."

You have got to be kidding me. Look I'm not black, and I don't claim to be a great socio-political pundit but I think I'm safe when I say Ron Artest will not be called to have dinner with Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson anytime soon to discuss the state of the black community. He later goes on to say that after the brawl he "never changed" and was just defending his culture.

But nobody is trying to make you be somebody else Ron, they just want you to act with a little more grace considering the position you're in. Athletes and celebrities are paid ungodly amounts of money on one condition; keep up a good public image. Anything else, and the American people will take all that away from you. Just ask Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, who are finding work difficult to come by these days. But besides that, I don't care what your race, culture, or creed is, inciting riots and generally acting like a self-absorbed asshole is a representation of no one other than yourself.

Story courtesy of ESPN.com  

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Manny to L.A., Boston says "Yay"

Surprise! Manny didn't get traded to the Marlins, but he was dealt, and just minutes before the deadline today. A three team trade was in the works to send Jason Bay to Boston from Pittsburgh, and Manny to the Marlins. The Pirates blame the Marlins for failing to get the deal done, the Marlins blame Boston.

The Dodgers jumped into the mix and threw together a deal just in time. So Manny will wear blue and move to the National League and Boston is relieved of an awkward situation in which Ramirez was publicly frustrated.

Jason Bay hitting 3rd in Boston's lineup with David Ortiz behind...not a pretty site to opposing pitchers. Manny was obviously a stellar player but "personality differences" led Boston to desperately ship him out to the west coast. Bay is an all-star caliber player who is suddenly thrust into a major playoff contender. Look for him to have a stellar remainder of the year.

What will be of Boston without Manny? I personally like that crazy son of a bitch. He's hilarious and he always has fun playing the game. On the other hand, he's insane and frustrates the crap out of you if you're his coach. Not a great attribute. Either way, Boston will suffer for losing him. He's one of the greatest hitters EVER. A playoff spot this year may be missed for Boston as a result of purging Manny.

Ken Griffey Jr. moves again, this time to the White Sox. You partially want to root on Chicago to get Griffey into the Series, but then you remember it's the White Sox. Break a leg Kenny! Oh wait...don't do that again. (CONTINUE READING)

Maddening Nation

Tired of Brett Favre yet? Well let me squeeze in one more #4 fun fact. A report by The Sporting News showed that in a Madden '09 simulation Aaron Rodgers out performed Favre. With Favre the Packers were 9-7, with Rodgers 12-4, Favre has a completion percentage of who the hell cares? Does anyone put any validity whatsoever into a video game simulation? 

If I was at a sports bar arguing the Favre problem with a buddy and he brought up, "Well Favre only had a 9-7 record in the Madden simulation," I would strike him with my pimping cane. I carry one for just such an occasion.

But in all seriousness, I have never seen anyone read the results of these tests with any more of a reaction than "Oh, that's cool I guess." More and more, be it the NCAA tournament, the NFL playoffs, or a NASCAR race, these video game simulations are being used by Half-time show hacks and ESPN robots. Even when the smoothest of commentators are asked to use them, they often are tripped up as to what to say afterwards. Take this fake conversation between Billy Packer and Jim Nantz for example,

JIM:  "Wow, Bethune-Cookman really gave a beating to Duke in the NCAA Basketball '09 simulation. What do you think about that Billy?" 

BILLY: "You know what? Just go ahead and fire me, I don't need this crap." 

I suppose it's only a matter of time before we just give in to the EA Sports Illuminati, shove the athletes to the side, and just have Sirus the Virus and Marc Dog from "Madden Nation," determine the Super Bowl. In fact, as I'm typing this, Vegas has already posted Sirus the Virus as the favorite with 5:2 odds. 

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Move Over Al, There's a New Sheriff of Crazytown

So, for quite sometime now, Al Davis has been the unchallenged King of eccentric NFL owners. Sure Dan Snyder spends way too much money, and Jerry Jones is kinda pompous, but neither come close to the jogging suit juggernaut. With his meddling ways, his living in the past management styles, and his current cold war against coach Lane Kiffin, Davis reigns supreme. But maybe not for long.

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The Palm Beach Post reports that conservative talk-show host, Rush Limbaugh, is interested in buying the St. Louis Rams if they come up for sale; which is a real possibility. The pill popping pontificator did tell KMOX radio in St. Louis that NFL ownership is a "billionaires club" and that he isn't quite in that range. But I think all it would take to push him over the edge is a couple pleas to loyal listeners to buy more of those hot dogs he loves so much.  

More to read at The Palm Beach Post

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Penn State: Linebacker U or Lineup U?

This news is slightly old, but shocking nonetheless. In an "Outside the Lines" report on Sunday, ESPN put a spanking to Joe Pa and the Nittany Lions. The show reported that since '02 Penn State football players have been charged with 163 criminal complaints among 46 players. Among those complaints, 45 were guilty pleas. The most shocking statistic; it's getting worse.

In '07, 17 players were charged with 72 crimes. For the non-mensan among us, that's over four crimes each. There are chapters of the Crips and Bloods who don't have crime rates that high. When there's problems like this, the fingers start pointing, and most of them are poking Paterno right in the gut. Asked about an intercepted text message containing an order from him, to disrupt the university's judicial affairs department's business, Paterno said he doesn't know how to text, and "I don't even own a computer."

I don't dispute that Paterno is technologically challenged, he gave the same answer not too long ago in regards to new recruiting processes. But I do think the man is perfectly capable of giving an order to an athletics department intern who knows how to spell his name. Joe Paterno is one of the greatest college football coaches ever, and an icon in the sport, but recently a lack of production on the field has the fanbase pushing him out the door. But it looks like his lack of production off the field is what will finally slam it shut.

More words at the Pittsburgh-Post Gazette

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AskMen, Get Dumb Answer

Everybody loves a top ten list! I should know, starting next Tuesday (warning shameless plug coming) I'll be writing the first edition of our Tuesday Ten list. I can only hope my list is a little better than Malcolm McMillan's. 

The writer for AskMen.com put together a top ten list of the "Ten Losingest Sports Cities." Which is a dumb list to begin with. For one, "losingest" isn't even a real world. Secondly, why put a list together just to rub salt in an open wound? But, like my grandma always said, "if you're going to poke someone, do it in the eye." So at least get the stupid thing right.

Looking at the bottom of the list it seems the Buffalo Bills can't catch a break today. How can a team that did what no other team in the history of any sport could, lose four championship games in a row, only be number ten? At least give the great fans of Buffalo some sort of accomplishment. But then again, if a city is really that bad, does not even putting it on a loser list justify the loser tag even more? 

Moving up to number eight, he has Raleigh/Durh.....Raleigh/Charlotte? I've seen my beloved hometown paired with any number of cities; Durham, Chapel Hill, Cary, but this is a first. Raleigh and Charlotte are over three hours driving distance apart. It's like lumping together Orlando and Miami. Although I'm kinda hungry right now and Oriami sounds like an Asian dish I have to eat sometime.

Then at seven, we have the woeful Indianapolis Colts. Who haven't won a championship in almost two whole years. I don't care what you did in the past, getting over the hump and winning it all grants a city at least a five year window of immunity. The Boston Red Sox didn't win for nearly a century, but I don't see anyone lining up to call them losers now. Not to mention that Indy only has two pro teams, and Philadelphia, with four loser franchises didn't even make the cut.  

The Sonic-less Seattelites can rest easy because their team didn't even make it to the top three despite no championships between three teams, and two instances of owners bolting the city. (Which should be bonus points towards the total) Sitting pretty at number four, they were bumped in favor of the number two team Nashville/ Memphis. Again with the clumping of cities in the same state. You know what the first thing that comes up when you type "memphis nashville" into Google? You get flights from Memphis to Nashville. That's a heck of a commute. And how do cities that have three past decade expansion teams even come close to making this list?

But the biggest turd in the bowl has to be New Orleans at number one. And what reason does McMillan give for their spot atop the list? The "'Aint's" reputation pre-Brees? The crappy, all be it along time ago, New Orleans Jazz? The evil George Shin led Hornets? Nope, he had this to say,

"When a city's crowning sports moment is winning a regular season football game after Hurricane Katrina, it's not a good sign. Sure that famous moment breathed life into a devastated city, but a championship never has,"

The Saints winning that game was an emotional achievement for the city and the country, but hardly a sports achievement. If you want sports accomplishment since Katrina, how about the Hornets having the best record in the NBA for most of  last season, or the aforementioned Saints team going on to the NFC title game? Blaming the city for overcoming disaster and winning a game in a tattered Super Dome, which seems to be the crux of your argument, is just dirty pool mister. My grandma might have told me to poke them in the eye Malcolm, but you my friend have put on your steel-toed boot and kicked New Orleans square in the nuts. 

The infamous list at AskMen.com

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It's Pat!

You've heard of testing for performance-enhancing drugs, right? Olympic officials have been working for over a year to design a lab equipped to test an athlete's gender. Who knew there were that many dude's trying to compete in women's sports?

"Suspected athletes will be evaluated from their external appearances by experts and undergo blood tests to examine their sex hormones, genes and chromosomes for sex determination," says Professor Tian Qinjie..."The aim is to protect fairness at the games while also protecting the rights of people with abnormal sexual development," he says.

You might be wondering, who will these 'experts' be who will evaluate the suspected athletes' external appearances? Why none other than TV's David Hasselhoff of course. He'll be responsible for inspecting each woman's genitals and trying to seduce them. If the athlete becomes smitten they are cleared of any wrongdoing, because as you know, no woman can resist the Hoff.

The United Kingdom's "Guardian" has more. (CONTINUE READING)

Just a Little Bit of History Repeating

Every year it happens. Some perennial loser will get themselves all pumped during two-a-days, when all the players are sitting around the training camp-fire, holding hands and singing kumabaya. "We really like the way our young quarterback is progressing," they proclaim. "The offensive line is really starting to gel," they tell us. But best of all, just like Bills wide receiver Lee Evans did, they will exclaim "We feel like even though we have a young team, we have guys who have been out there and played, and gotten a lot of experience." Excuse me?

This is not a knock on Evans, I mean he was just reciting the memo. You know the one that every non-playoff team receives at the start of the year. "We're young, but hey we played last year right?" Just like choir-boy Kitna did last year when he proclaimed the Lions would win 10 games. Oh sure, it started off smooth. A 6-2 record heading into November and looked like Samson and the Lions would walk into the playoffs.

But then it him them like it does every year. Wait, what are we doing here? We're the Lions for crying out loud. We couldn't even win with Barry freaking Sanders. But were 6-2 right? We're good , we're good. BAM! they lose 7 of 8 and miss the playoff by a mile.

So here we have the Bills, sitting in the same place as the '07 Lions. But, hey maybe the stars are just aligning this year. Maybe Marshawn Lynch carries over the success of his rookie season behind the line. Maybe Trent Edwards is the future signal caller they've been looking for. Maybe draft pick Leodis McKelvin fills a serious need at cornerback, and the defense "gels." Maybe. They did go to the Super Bowl four times in a row with Kelly, so it's not like there's a precedent for hitting the wall and chok....okay bad example. But who know right? The AFC East is a one team division right now, and the Bills do have a pretty cake out of division schedule. An injury to Brady here, a perfect home record there, and maybe just maybe they sneak into the playoffs. But I wouldn't put my dollars on the Bills just yet.

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And Man Ram? Man Ram So Far Away?

ESPN's Buster Olney now says there's "better than a 50/50 chance a deal gets done on Thursday."

Manny Ramirez has been paving the way for an exit from Boston for the past few days. His comments to the media have ranged from, "If Boston gets a good deal for me, they should do it, but if not I want to stay and help the team," to, "My mental happiness is priceless and I don't have any mental happiness in Boston."


It looks like the Sox are willing to give up an important offensive weapon to the Marlins. Why dump Manny? Lets just say he spends an awful lot of time doing things described as "just Manny being Manny."

In honor of Manny's impending departure to south Florida, here's just one of many Manny moments. Yes, this was DURING a game, the man is wacky!


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