Speed Walkers Need Steroids Too

If you thought the only people turning to steroids for an advantage these days were Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, and ESPN NFL analyst John Clayton (pictured), you'd be wrong.

Just before the Beijing games began it was reported that three Russian speed walkers had tested positive for a banned substance. Which of course begs the question: there's more than one person competing for a spot on a country's speed walking team?


The Belfast Telegraph (yes THAT Belfast Telegraph) reported the story but is actually not a Russian newspaper. They're located in northern Ireland and are likely trying to build momentum for their own gold medal caliber Irish speed walking team by exposing the cheating, scandalous Russian squad. The three Russians walkers also tested positive for large amounts of vodka, although it should be noted that it is not a banned substance.

Olympic speed walkers have always been looking to increase the velocity of their steps, just as long it's not TOO much quicker. Steroid-abusing walkers could be blurring the line between speed walking and slightly slower running. And after all, anyone can run but walking as fast as possible is an art form as classic as accelerated eye blinking.

It's a sad day for athletic competition when the most honorable of sports has fallen prey to the evil steroid empire. It seems that no sport is untouchable from being tainted. Curling, we're watching you.

Tip of the hat for this story goes to the blog "Fighting the Man Eight Days a Week," who specializes primarily in exposing Russian injustices around the world. And male pugilism occurring over an impossibly long period of time.
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The Fix is (Possibly) In. Is China Cheating in the Olympics?

There is no question that the 2008 Olympics are one of the most historically significant events in the history of modern China. We also know how badly the Chinese want this to be the best Olympics ever, especially for them. This is their chance to assert their place as a world power in the sports world, as well as the political world. But just how badly does China want to win the medal count in Beijing? To examine the issue, we've found:

 The Top 5 Olympic Events China Might Be Cheating In 

5. Boxing

The Event: The bantamweight and lightweight boxing tournaments

The Fix: In the bantamweight division; after British world Bronze medalist, Joe Murray, lost his highly favored bout against China's Gu Yu, Murray was adamant that he was on the poor end of some favorable calls. But the British boxer shrugged it off as if it was expected. The Ukrainian lightweight Oleksandr Klyuchko, however, didn't take his questionable loss to China's Hu Quing so lightly. The Ukrainians filed a complaint with the International Amateur Boxing Federation. (AIBA)

The Odds: Low. The Ukranian complaint was dismissed by AIBA after a  formal hearing. But still, two instances of cheating in the sport, lodged by two different countries, makes you start to think.


4. Shooting

The Event: Men's double trap

The Fix: Veteran Australian shooter, Russell Mark, has alleged that Chinese shooter, Hu Binyuan, had the judge's help when winning the bronze medal in the event. Mark claims that one of the targets was clearly missed by Binyaun, but points were awarded. He goes on to say that the only reason there is no uproar, is because it was merely for a bronze, not gold. He wondered if the boisterous crowd was influencing the judge's opinions.

The Odds: Moderate. It's hard to imagine why clearly missed targets would be scored, so eyebrows have to be raised. But a raucous crowd could distract a judge long enough to cause an error in the fast paced world of trap shooting.

3. Fireworks

The Event: The opening ceremonies

The Fix: The opening ceremonies in Beijing were some of the most spectacular events ever shown worldwide. The dazzling pyrotechnic display was truly a sight to behold. But what you saw at home might have been a little different than at the games. Due to the poor weather conditions, China might have fabricated some of the more elaborate fireworks digitally.

The Odds: Definitive. The Chinese admitted to prefabricating some of the fireworks because of visibility issues with overhanging clouds. While this isn't really cheating in the athletic sense, it did set a precedent for the rest of the games.

2. Gymnastics

The Event: The women's team final, and the Chinese women's team in general

The Fix: During the women's team final, U.S. coach, Marta Karolyi, accused the Chinese stadium officials of instituting unnecessary delays to throw off their gymnasts, most notably Alicia Sacramone. She claims the officials would call her up, but then make her wait for no reason, not giving her the signal to begin. A more serious accusation though, is being filed against the Chinese women's team for their bending of the age limit. Nine months before the Beijing Olympics, the Chinese government's news agency reported that gymnast He Kexin was 13. But later both Kexin and the government denied this to be true, and that she was actually 16, the required minimum age.

The Odds: High. Karolyi's accusation does not hold much water, since technical delays have been a problem for all the teams, including China. But the age of the Chinese gymnast is extremely questionable. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell the difference between a 13 year old and a 16 year old. That coupled with a government issued report stating that she was 13, makes this a legitimate cause for concern.

1. Cuteness

The Event: The opening ceremonies

The Fix: Everyone in the world instantly fell in love with the little girl to my left, the moment she opened those angelic pipes of hers, and flashed that super cute smile. She became an instant star in her home country, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were reportedly in a bidding war with her parents to adopt her. But is she the Asian version of Aguilera and Spears, or Milli and Vanilli?

The Odds: Definitive. China fessed up to replacing the actual little girl who sang the song with a super cute girl with a talent only for lip syncing. The sad thing is, other than a few snaggly baby teeth, the original girl was still pretty darn cute. So you know what China? You can have all the gold medals in trap shooting and gymnastics you want, but when you're replacing cute girls with uber-cute girls for the sake of ratings, you've gone too far mister. When you do that you're cheating on the U S of A. Because we invented that, dammit.
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Chad Johnson Could Beat Michael Phelps

...or so he claims. In an interview with the guys from PTI, Tony Kornheiser asked Ocho Cinco if he could beat Michael Phelps in a swimming race. To which he said,

"...if he came to where I'm from, which is the inner city...I was a three time Charles Harding pool champ. I know a couple who could beat Michael Phelps right now. Seriously, I'm telling you, and I'm one of them."

It is officially on. After Phelps finishes his run at Olympic history and the swim meet draws to a close, why not fly in Chad Johnson and put him to the test? After all, Phelps has had to swim seventeen races, and has to be stressed out and tired. Not only would this give Phelps a much needed moment to laugh, it would help even the field a little for the three time C-Hard champ. And by that I mean Phelps might not lap him...by much.

But who knows, Johnson has tried this before, and won. Johnson outran a horse on the track by a few lengths, of the horse, not Johnson. But running of course is a fundamental of his sport, football. The only swimming he has to do, is in all the money he's earning this year. Last time I checked, the Speedo LZR wasn't aerodynamically designed for Scrooge McDuck.

Regardless of the outcome, the race would be both entertaining and beneficial. I can see Ocho swimming under the rope into Phelps' lane as he tires to lap him, pulling down his Speedo, and sending the golden boy reeling. Better yet, just like the horse race, they should let Chad start on the block, but make Phelps stand 30 yards back, having to run and leap into the pool. You know what, let's make that the standard for swimming period. All swimmers should have to run and jump into the pool, all while avoiding falling on the wet floor. That's a sport I could get into.

But the entertainment value aside, if Chad Johnson really is even an average swimmer, a race like this would do wonders to promote inner city swimming. Johnson himself claims that the only reason kids like him aren't competing with Phelps, is because they don't have the opportunity. Well what Cullen Jones did for African-American swimming a few nights ago, will be nothing compared to when Chad Johnson and his bleached mohawk hit the pool.

So, whether he was joking or not, I honestly think Johnson is on to something here. It would be good for swimming, good for him and his cause, and good TV for all of us.
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Should Michael Phelps' Speedo Be Branded With An Asterisk?

Last night Michael Phelps continued his incredible streak into Olympic and possibly sports history as he won his two races of the night. With three more races to go, Phelps is inching ever so close to breaking Spitz' record. Soon all the pundits from across the land will awaken from their hibernation to unleash a full-on debate as to whether or not Phelps is the greatest Olympic athlete ever, and/or the greatest athlete period.

But before he's even made it to the final leg of his epic journey, many are asking if his legacy deserves an asterisk. In this 24-hour sports media generation that we're in, everything is being labeled with a proverbial star, if there's any question to the merit of the achievement. Guilty before proven innocent is the mantra of the day. So, with the ho-hum proceedings of world records being broken in swimming, Phelps' achievements are in doubt.

The LZR Speedo racer is a breakthrough in swimming technology that hasn't been seen since some cross-dressing swimmer took a lady Bic to his legs, and  then proceeded to beat all of his hairy competitors. World records are being broken in every race, sometimes by a few seconds. In last night's 200m Freestyle Relay, where Phelps won his fifth gold, the U.S. men broke the world record by about three seconds. The collective reaction? A big fat yawn.

In a sport that's often measured in hundredths of a second, a world record being broken by three seconds should be one of the greatest shows of athleticism in all of sports. But the LZR suit, deeper pools, and a change in the way swimmers are allowed to perform strokes, has set a precedent for speed that is just now catching up to the record books. The timing just happened to coincide with the 2008 Olympics, causing all the World Records to fall faster than a drunk Lindsay Lohan in heels.

So unless Speedo learns how to harness the power of the sun and create a exoskeleton that molds to your skin, streamlines your muscle production, gives you three nitro boosts per race, and cures your cancer, then 2012 won't be singing the same tune. World Records won't fall at nearly the rate they are now, because the technology would have already caught up.

But it's not rainy 2012 in London, it's smoggy 2008 in Beijing, and this is Michael Phelps' year. But the question people are asking is; should Phelps' achievements be marred with an asterisk because of the overall increased speed of the sport? I think the answer should without a doubt be no.

First off, he isn't using a substance that's either illegal or a competitive advantage; any swimmer can use the LZR if they want, and most of them do. So Barry Bonds he is not. The fact that all the other competitors have the exact same advantages, completely erases the argument in my mind. When the three-point line was instituted in basketball, did anybody question the scoring records that consequently fell in the years that followed?

But of course basketball is a team sport, so it's hard to give a straight line comparison. So I turn to an athlete who's achievements are right on par with those of Phelps; Tiger Woods. When Tiger was smashing tournament records in 2000, was anybody questioning whether the improved club technology and his game-changing workout regiment, should render his accomplishments as less than? Of course not.

And like swimming will do in the following years, golf adapted to Tiger and the new technology, making it more difficult for the records to be smashed. Did that change Tiger's winning ways? No, and neither will it Phelps. Because as the years go by, the margins of victory will fade away into the annals of Wikipedia, but the win itself will always live on.
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Clearing the Smog, Vol. V: Getting to know the U.S. Men's Volleyball Team

In case you haven't heard, U.S. Men's Volleyball coach Hugh McCutcheon's father in-law was killed, and his mother in-law murdered by a deranged attacker with a knife. All signs point to this being a freak incident, and not an attack on the Olympics or our country. But it is an incredible tragedy nonetheless. Obviously overtaken by grief, McCutcheon stepped down as coach to be with his family. Intrigued by how the team would respond, I stayed up late to watch the men take on Venezuela in their opener. But what began as morbid curiosity quickly turned into a love for the sport of volleyball and this U.S. Olympic squad. So once again I bring you an inspired look into:

The U.S. Olympic Men's Volleyball Team

Tom Hoff: The Captain

Making his third Olympic appearance, the captain was a college all-star. Originally signed by Ohio State, he left the team for Long Beach State his Junior year, even though he was a second team all American and starter for the buckeyes. A reason for all the OSU haters to like this team. At Long Beach he was a two-time all American and set multiple NCAA records while playing for the 49ers. I always thought San Fransisco had a creative name until I just found out they ripped off LBSU.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: In addition to being nicknamed dilly-dally, Hoff is quoted in the article as saying, "Please take me." and "Huge dreams and a minuscule.........scholarship."

Reid Priddy:  The Scoring Machine

The second leading scorer in Athens, Priddy has stepped up his game to be the top scorer for the U.S. in both the '07 World Cup and the '07 World League, where he was also the second highest scorer. Priddy says he started playing volleyball when his high school announced they would be starting a team. Clearly underfunded, Reid and his teammates would shop at thrift shops for "crazy outfits" just to shake things up. Don't worry though, this troubled teen became a born-again Christian in college.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: The player that Priddy finished second to in scoring at the World League: Russia's own, Semen Poltavsky (I'm dead serious, his name is Semen)

Clay Stanley: The Serving Ace

An absolute whiz with the yellow and blue. (Did you know they don't use white balls anymore?) Stanley was the top server at the '08 NORCECA Qualifiers. NORCECA stands for acronym that is about four letters too long. Clay is known as an "opposite hitter," which I hope means what I think it does. "The ball's coming real high, I'm sure Clay will be jumping up straight to hit it, nope he's jumping like a monkey again. Oh Clay, you're such a jokester."

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Stanley's NBC Bio includes articles titled "Bigger and Hits Harder" and "Riding on a Rainbow." Coincidentally, Clay Stanley always showers alone.

Lloy Ball: The Grizzled Veteran

In case you're already writing to inform me of a spelling error, his name really is Lloy. I have no idea what that's all about, but I like to think his mother suffered a stroke while giving his name, and nobody had the heart to tell her what happened. But if anyone can get through the shame of being d-less, it's Ball. A four time Olympian with a mean streak, Lloy has a goatee, pierced ear, and a plethora of tattoos that include the Olympic rings and a skeleton spiking a volleyball through a triangle. Which is badass because everyone knows triangles are the devil's volleyball net.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: None. Lloy eats sexual innuendo for breakfast.

Sean Rooney: The Tall Guy

Standing at a towering 6-9, Stanley originally started out playing basketball, but was" just a tall skinny kid who got pushed around a lot." So he began playing volleyball, where he is protected from the other players by a net. To make him sound a little less like a wussbag, I should mention that in 2006 he signed with the Korean Capital Hyundai Skywalkers. I really hope all the Korean volleyball teams have Star-Wars nicknames like the Vaders, the Millennium Falcons, and the Billy Dee Williams Colt 45's.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Coach McCutcheon, when asked about Rooney said he has a "wonderful feel." Lloy ball machoed it up a bit by saying he's a "left-side banger."

Ryan Millar: The Other Tall Guy

Just a hair under Rooney at 6-8, Ryan Millar is kind of a dick. Named as an assistant head coach for the BYU men's volleyball team, Millar found himself thrust into the spotlight when the head coach suddenly resigned. Named co-captain with assistant coach Shawn Patchell, Millar pulled himself out of the running for full-time coach because the pay sucked. Umm, Ryan you could have just said you didn't want it because you thought Patchell was the more deserving candidate, instead of spitting in the face of his McJob.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Miller's NBC bio includes articles titled, "Instant Impact" and "Sports and Young Love." Even Clay Stanley doesn't let Ryan near his children.

Gabe Gardner: Yet Another Tall Guy

Making his second Olympic appearance, Gabe is an opposite hitter, who used to be an outside hitter. So not only do you not know what he's going to do, you also don't know where he's coming from. Gardner dabbled in another Olympic sport while in high school: water polo. Offered scholarships from Pepperdine and UCLA, he turned them down to play volleyball at USC. All of his opponents let out a collective sigh. At 6-8, he probably didn't have to swim; a distinct water polo advantage.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Asked about Gabe, the coach had this to say: "switching Gardner's position came about because he is not great at receiving serve, but McCutcheon wanted to still be able to utilize Gardner." I'm beginning to wonder if a few of the players were relieved to see McCutcheon quit. I know, I know, too soon.

David Lee: The Kid

The youngest member of the squad, at the age of 26, this is Lee's first Olympics. The youngest at 26? I guess that explains why every volleyball match I've ever seen played, consisted of nothing but geriatric men with way too much back hair. Well not the back hair part, but if I have to suffer, so do you the reader. Lee is also a bit of a hothead and is known for "random yelling" during matches. Are they sure he doesn't just have Tourette's? To calm down, he enjoys stamp collecting and model train building. Which is why he fits in playing a sport with geriatric old men.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Lee's other hobbies include water sports and poker. A sentence who's double entendres make me laugh every time.

Quick Hits on the other members:

Scott Touzinsky: Has a weakness for buying shoes. (Gay)
Rich Lambourne: Played baseball, but switched to volleyball to be with friends. (Gay)
Riley Salmon: Is married to a woman named Millie (Gay)
Kevin Hansen: Shoots up at least six times a day. (Diabetic)

More innuendo at nbcolympics.com

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Don't Die at the Olympics

If you're traveling to Beijing for the 2008 Summer Olympics there's a few things I'd like to discuss with you. First: you're a little late. Flights to China take longer than you think and you DON'T want to be the last guy to walk into the opening ceremonies. Can you say EMBARRASSING?! It's going to take a little longer than an in-flight showing of the holiday classic, "Jingle All The Way" to fly from New York to Beijing.

Second: Life at the Olympics and Beijing are dangerous. It's not like living in your safe little Harlem 2-bedroom apartment. Nope, it's a different world over there in China.

I thought it would be only right to provide you with a couple of quick survival tips to help you get through your trip to this year's summer games alive. It's the "Don't Die at the Olympics" guide.

Let's begin. First of all, you've heard lots and lots about the polluted air over there in Beijing. You think it's hype? Think again. Washington Post blogger extraordinaire Dan Steinberg tried out a little experiment; survive a lengthy jog in the heart of smog-haven Beijing. Here are the frightening results:



Lesson learned? To avoid death, don't jog in Beijing.

The air isn't the only death trap over there. Sometimes the actual Olympic events can be just as death-defying. If you're a member of the sports media, an athlete, or just a crazy fan sneaking onto the playing surface, you MUST pay attention to your surroundings:



Ouch! To avoid death, know your surroundings.

And finally, when you're walking around China remember that the laws of the land are a bit different from that of the red, white, and blue. So before committing that crime it's important to note that in China:

Defendants can be put to death for criminal offenses, including nonviolent property crimes such as theft, embezzlement and forgery. In 1993, 77% of all executions worldwide were carried out in China.

On a single day, 9 January 1993, 356 death sentences were handed down by Chinese courts; 62 executions took place that day. During that year alone, 2,564 people were sentenced to death. At least 1,419 of them are known to have been executed.

Talk about swift penalties. You may want to keep those criminal tendencies hidden for the next couple of weeks. Good luck in Beijing and and we'll see you next time. Stay alive America.

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Thursday Throw-down: The Olympics VS The Super Bowl

Welcome to Thursday boys and girls! Each and every 4th day of the work week we will have a mighty throw-down; a (somewhat) scientific comparison between two things. Maybe one week its two athletes, or two sports, or two athlete's wives/mistresses.

This week in honor of the upcoming Summer Olympics just hours away (unless you don't count the fruity opening ceremonies, which I don't) we'll throw-down with the 2008 Summer games vs. The Super Bowl. It's the pinnacle of international competition doing battle with the pinnacle of good 'ol AMERICAN competition. And you know, beer and over produced halftime shows.

Let's Throw-down!

	THE 2008 OLYMPICS	THE SUPER BOWL
SPORT	With 34 different sports represented it's got something for everyone including some really fun obscure sports like table tennis and trampoline, which we are all a little surprised to find out are actual sports.	Football. I mean it's America's favorite sport. There's lots of hitting and running and throwing and what not. It's quite nice.
FANS	You've got a random and extremely small assortment of fans from countries all over the world. And then you've got a billion Chinese.	If you're lucky you get Raiders fans, which is basically an assortment of people celebrating Halloween every day. If you're having a bad day you get Eagle fans who will boo Santa Clause, misspell their own team's name in chants, and consume a billion cheese steaks.
BEST ATHLETE	I'll go ahead and pick American swimmer Michael Phelps; he may win the record for most gold medals won in a single Olympics and he's got a really sweet 'stache.	Tom Brady. He's dreamy.
WORST ATHLETE	Table Tennis player (come on this is just Ping Pong right?). Incredible hand-eye coordination and quickness. Poor muscle definition, personality, and exclusively Asian in ethnicity.	Punter. Incredible leg strength and flexibility. Poor tackling ability, size, strength, mental toughness, and just about everything else required of any other position player.
AWARD GIVEN	Small circular medal, hopefully golden.	Vince Lombardi trophy, a giant phallic symbol with a little football on top.
LOCATION	Beijing, China. Possibly the most polluted area on the planet. Crowded city, lack of English spoken.	Usually a warm, tourist friendly city in America. Plenty of English spoken.
TV PERSONALITY	Bob Costas. That little guy is just brimming with interesting sports anecdotes and statistics.	John Madden. He's everything BUT little and is expanding every day.

And the winner of the 1st annual Wet Hot American Sports Thursday Throw-down.....

THE SUPER BOWL! Come on, did you think we'd pick some "Foreign" sporting event over our good 'ol American tackle-fest? The truth is, I've never heard of an Olympics party and as far as I know the commercials are not that funny. And I complain that the Super Bowl is WAY too long, not to mention the pregame show, but the Olympics last weeks. What if we had to wait WEEKS to find out who was in fact going to Disney World?

Congrats Super Bowl, you will receive a free subscription to the new award winning blog "Wet Hot American Sports." My friends tell me it's all the rage.

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Clearing the Smog, Vol. IV: Getting to Know the Ten Sexiest Female U.S. Olympians

With the Olympics just one day away from beginning, it's time for yet another episode of Clearing the Smog: Getting to know your U.S. Olympians. With our helpful tidbits of information you'll be the envy of Sigma Delta Rho when watching the Archery finals. Why? Because you'll know that Butch Johnson is a five time Olympian and not just a great porn title. So I now present you with:

The Ten Sexiest Female U.S. Olympic Athletes

(Click any picture for a full sexy res version)

10. Dara Torres 

Occupying the obligatory MILF slot, Torres still smokes through the swimming pool at age 41. Competing in her fifth Olympic games, she was the oldest U.S. Olympian in 2000, but surprisingly isn't in 2008. 58 year old air pistol shooter, Libby Callahan, beat her out this time. Sorry Libby there's no obligatory GMILF slot on this list.

9. Kerri Walsh

Ready to unseat Torres in a few years, thirty-year-old Walsh has competed in the Olympics in both indoor and beach volleyball. She makes this list for two reasons. One, she fulfills the tall girl requirement, and two, she probably will spend most of the time you see her in a bikini. Plus you could come up with a behind the back hand signal that only you and her would understand. For example a wiggle of the pinky clockwise means, "sex later?"

8. Allyson Felix.

A silver medal winner in Athens, this sprinter turns heads faster than anyone else on this list. Allyson also has that "I might occasionally kick your ass, but that's okay because the sex will be phenomenal," look about her. You know what I mean; the kind where you tell your coworkers that the bruises are from that infernal Bowflex, and they roll their eyes and say, "Sure it was."






7. Alicia Sacramone.

If it wasn't for that whole underage thing, I'd probably put nothing but gymnasts on this list. But Sacramone is twenty, so booya. Alicia is very attractive, with an Italian allure and surprisingly developed "pectorals" for a gymnast. But even if she was beaten with an ugly stick, I'd still probably put her on this list. Any guy who's ever been with a gymnast will know exactly why.


6. Natalie Coughlin. 

A freshman entry into the list, Natalie makes a strong debut at number six. She gets bonus points for being really good as well as smoking hot. She could win a whole slew of swimming medals in Beijing. Sexy, competitive, and you might be able to wear one of her spare medals to feel like a champ in bed. I once wore a gold medal in competitive eating to bed. She was a very large woman. 

5. Hope Solo. 

Just look at the determination in her gorgeous eyes. Hope is a woman who knows what she wants. Notorious for getting kicked off the World Cup team for criticizing her coach, she's the kind of girl you  want as a girlfriend. If you order a pizza and it gets there without the bacon you ordered, she would be the kind to march down to Papa John's house himself and bitch slap him with a slab of bacon, because she knows how much her man loves bacon.

4. Amanda Beard. 

Yet another one of the slightly "mature" women, Beard has been dominating this list for decades. But she loses points this time around for those PETA ads she did. Yes, she did the ads nude, but associating with wacko organizations like PETA is very not sexy. I don't like to be slapped during post-coitus because she just had an orgasm on what she later discovered was a goose down comforter.

3. Jennie Finch. 

Probably the most well know Olympic sexpot on this list, Finch is like the Brett Favre of softball; without the man stubble of course. She's been on "The Apprentice" and was voted ESPN's hottest athlete in 2003. But the best part of her resume is that she occasionally corresponds for ESPN's "This Week in Baseball." Leaving open the fantasy that she might have once grazed her hand across Erin Andrews. Accidentally of course, but awesome none the less.




2. Heather Mitts. 

She's already got a great porn name, so without even looking at her she's worth a mention. Okay, now look at her. Yeah, lived up to the hype didn't it? That's why this superfly soccerite makes it so high on this list. She also, unlike any of the other girls on this list, looks really nice. I mean I like my fair share of crazy, powerful, sadistic girls, but the girl next door is a hell of a lot less stressful.

1. Jenny Adams. 

Please turn your attention to the picture on the left. Jenny is a hurdler. There, now I won't say anything more to ruin your moment gazing upon this fantastic woman.

That not enough for you? Well okay, I'll do some more. This is really boring and dull, but if you must insist, I present: 

The Five Sexiest Female Foreign Olympic Athletes.

5. Susanna Kallur. 

This sexy little Swede was born in the United States to NHL player, Anders Kallur. Sing ABBA tunes with her to celebrate her hurdling victory while you hurdle her into bed. And if you didn't have a reason to watch women's hurdling before, you certainly do now.

4. Alexandra Orlando. 

Another classic porn name, this fiery Latino hails from the sweaty jungles of...Canada? I don't know what the hell that's all about, but I really don't care. I can put up with a couple of Ehs and Aboots for her any day of the week. She is also the only reason to give a crap about rhythmic gymnastics.

3. Christine Arron. 

I'll admit this photo of Christine is pretty airbrushed, as a Google image search of her will produce pictures of a track star that was quite fugly a few years ago. But she looks like freaking J-lo in that picture. Airbrushed or not, she's still pretty damn fly. Plus she's French, and french accents increase sexiness tenfold.

2. Ana Ivanovic. 

An incredibly close second place, Ivanovic is also near the best female tennis player in the world right now. I tell you, when Anna Kornikova hit the scene, I thought she couldn't be topped. But then Maria Sharapova arrived, who has now been replaced by Ana Ivanovic. I love women's tennis.

1. Yelena Isinbayeva. 

If one takes the two pictures at face value alone, you might give Ana the slight edge. But if you take into account that Yelena's picture was taken in the middle of a track meet when she's sweaty, stinky, and not wearing makeup; and Ana's was done in a photo studio, Yelena is definitely the winner. I selected this picture to make that point. Plus there's just something about the way she's gripping that pole. If you want a more refined photo just Google her name and you'll be entertained for hours.

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Dick Pound Hates Rubbing Rods

Got your attention with that one, didn't I? Okay, so I was a little liberal with the verbiage, but the gist of it is true. The Associated Press is reporting that the IOC was extremely unhappy with the wave of protests that followed the torch relay on its way to Beijing, and could look into canceling the event in the future. But what makes this a difficult news story for a fourteen-year-old sports anchor is the involvement of Canadian member Dick Pound.


Dick Pound rose to sexual innuendo prominence as the head of the World Anti-Doping Association during which he made a constant attack on the Tour de France, and most notably Lance Armstrong. Well the cruelly named is back at it again with a knee jerk response to a paper tiger. Asked about the recent torch relays, Pound had this to say,

"This came very close to becoming a disaster," he said. "The risks were obvious and should have been assessed a little more carefully. The result is there was a crisis affecting the games."

First off, were the protests really all that bad? I'll admit I didn't follow that closely, but the worst thing I seem to remember was the Rick Rolling in San Fransisco. As horrible as Rick Astley is, its no reason to cancel a tradition as old as the games them self.

Second, by cancelling the torch relay because of a negative response to China's foreign policy, you are sending out the wrong message. Normally, most of the world would tune out or be ignorant of the way China treats Tibet or its own people, but by hosting the Olympics, they are exposing themselves to the world. Shouldn't freedom of expression be able to make its way to the Olympic stage, especially if its in the name of World Peace?

And Last, by stamping out the torch relay, you're killing one of the few international bonds that we have left in this world. The torch relay, Live Aid, and Internet Porn; are the last true world bridging activities available. With Live Aid getting suckier every time its held, and now the torch relay possibly on the out, web porn is our last bastion of hope. Once again proving my theory that porn is the key to the survival of the human race.

The AP Report is here (CONTINUE READING)

Clearing the Smog, Vol. III: Getting to Know the U.S. Olympic Shooters

From now until the closing ceremonies WHAS will be highlighting various U.S. Olympic athletes in all their unabashed glory. This way when watching Taekwondo events with your blow-up doll girlfriend you'll impressively be able to point out that Americans Mark, Diana, and Steven Lopez are the first trio of siblings to compete together in the same sport and on the same Olympic team since 1904. Look for knowledge like that to pump some more air into that fulfilling relationship. So without further ado I present to you:

The U.S. Olympic Shooters

That's right, there's a sport called shooting. Not archery; shooting. Tune in for events featuring rifles, pistols, and shotguns. Guess which nation leads the all-time Olympic medal count in this sport? USA! USA! We have the benefit of quite a prestigious farm system including school shooters, bullies, rednecks, gang leaders, and current Vice Presidents.

Lets meet a few of the firearm specialists:

• Matt Emmons - Has already won a gold medal in a past competition but even more impressive is the fact that he pitched a perfect game for his high school baseball team in New Jersey. It should also be noted that Matt's wife says he never has a problem firing his pistol in bed.

• Jeff Holguin - Joined the army in hopes of improving his chances to make the Olympic shooting team. After avoiding death several times Jeff was awarded a spot on the team.

• Emily Caruso - Is not surprisingly a member of the NRA, but what IS surprising is she is a vegetarian, doesn't hunt, and is lactose intolerant. Emily is concerned about her sport and says that the biggest issue is that "people don't realize it's an Olympic sport." Not anymore Emily, not anymore.

NBC has a website, and they discuss all things Olympics. (CONTINUE READING)

Clearing the Smog, Vol. II: Getting to know the U.S. Olympic Trampoliners

From now until the closing ceremonies WHAS will be highlighting various U.S. Olympic athletes in all their unabashed glory. This way when watching the exciting kayaking finals in your mom's basement, you'll be able to tell your D&D buddies, "Hey did you know Scott Parsons loves The Simpsons?" That ought to add a few points to your night elf's intelligence level. So without further ado I present to you: 

The U.S. Olympic Trampoliners

The Members: (Left to Right and Upside Down) Erin Blanchard and Chris Estrada

• 2008 marks the first time that the United States will enter a man and a woman into the competition. The U.S. has never won a medal in any event, which is sad since an American, George Nissen, is credited with inventing the first modern trampoline. Rest easy LeBron, basketball isn't the only sport we invented and can't win.

• Chris Estrada was a shy six-year-old growing up in Lousiana. While this isn't groundbreaking news, it did prompt his mom into signing him up for tumbling. Which according to the article was, "the only thing to do in his small town." The mental picture of flocks of cajun children rolling around in the streets will forever make me laugh.

• Erin Blanchard pulled a Brett Favre. The '06 U.S. Champion, Blanchard decided to finally put an end to her long and fruitful career at the age of 18. But the sweet smog of Beijing lured her out of the Sunshine State Elderly Care Center and into the gym, when the U.S. was awarded a wildcard spot in the women's trampoline event.

• In what must be a fun coffee time topic between the two, Chris Estrada also briefly walked away from the sport in 2001. The reason? A mental block that prevented him from twisting on forward flipping skills. I feel you Chris, can't tell you how many times that's happened to me.

• The final act in any routine is the out-bounce. This is accomplished with a straight jump at 3/4 height. When Chris Estrada sticks the landing, you'll be able to comment on the technical superiority of his out-bounce, while everyone else is trying to figure out if he's related to the guy from "CHiPs."

• Erin Blanchard made the team by beating her neighbor. Alaina Herbert, who finished second to Erin in the U.S. Olympic trials, grew up a few miles away from Blanchard in the aforementioned hotbed of tumbling, Lousiana. Allegedly, this isn't the first time she beat out a neighbor for trampoline glory. Growing up in Lousiana, where tumbling reigns supreme, she beat out local bully Trina Trumbad for neighborhood bragging rights. WHAS has obtained a picture of Trina in training for the historical event:
  
   You like Olympics? NBC.com has you covered.
  

(CONTINUE READING)

It's Pat!

You've heard of testing for performance-enhancing drugs, right? Olympic officials have been working for over a year to design a lab equipped to test an athlete's gender. Who knew there were that many dude's trying to compete in women's sports?

"Suspected athletes will be evaluated from their external appearances by experts and undergo blood tests to examine their sex hormones, genes and chromosomes for sex determination," says Professor Tian Qinjie..."The aim is to protect fairness at the games while also protecting the rights of people with abnormal sexual development," he says.

You might be wondering, who will these 'experts' be who will evaluate the suspected athletes' external appearances? Why none other than TV's David Hasselhoff of course. He'll be responsible for inspecting each woman's genitals and trying to seduce them. If the athlete becomes smitten they are cleared of any wrongdoing, because as you know, no woman can resist the Hoff.

The United Kingdom's "Guardian" has more. (CONTINUE READING)