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Monday, August 4, 2008

Clearing the Smog, Vol. III: Getting to Know the U.S. Olympic Shooters

From now until the closing ceremonies WHAS will be highlighting various U.S. Olympic athletes in all their unabashed glory. This way when watching Taekwondo events with your blow-up doll girlfriend you'll impressively be able to point out that Americans Mark, Diana, and Steven Lopez are the first trio of siblings to compete together in the same sport and on the same Olympic team since 1904. Look for knowledge like that to pump some more air into that fulfilling relationship. So without further ado I present to you:

The U.S. Olympic Shooters



That's right, there's a sport called shooting. Not archery; shooting. Tune in for events featuring rifles, pistols, and shotguns. Guess which nation leads the all-time Olympic medal count in this sport? USA! USA! We have the benefit of quite a prestigious farm system including school shooters, bullies, rednecks, gang leaders, and current Vice Presidents.

Lets meet a few of the firearm specialists:



  • Matt Emmons - Has already won a gold medal in a past competition but even more impressive is the fact that he pitched a perfect game for his high school baseball team in New Jersey. It should also be noted that Matt's wife says he never has a problem firing his pistol in bed.


  • Jeff Holguin - Joined the army in hopes of improving his chances to make the Olympic shooting team. After avoiding death several times Jeff was awarded a spot on the team.


  • Emily Caruso - Is not surprisingly a member of the NRA, but what IS surprising is she is a vegetarian, doesn't hunt, and is lactose intolerant. Emily is concerned about her sport and says that the biggest issue is that "people don't realize it's an Olympic sport." Not anymore Emily, not anymore.
NBC has a website, and they discuss all things Olympics.
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Dear Mr. Fantasy,

Welcome to the first ever installment of our Monday feature, "Dear Mr. Fantasy," where I make all your wildest fantasies come true. At least those related to fantasy football. So follow me as we go deep down into the depths of fantasy football lore. So join me as I answer a burning question, confess my itching desire, tell you about an amazing rookie, take a couple three point stances, and give you tips on how to draft in 2008.


The Burning Question:
 "What do I do about this whole Brett Favre mess?"

The short answer: stay pat for now. We finally know Favre's comeback is official and as of right now, he is still a Packer. Rest assured, if he's back, he's gonna start. Whether it's with Green Bay or Minnesota, he will have a big fantasy impact. But, if you're in a league with an early draft, waiting might not be an option for you. This saga could play out for another week or so, but if your draft is before then, plan your move wisely. 

You could pass on some big name QBs in favor of Favre in a late round, but beware: newsmakers usually get gobbled up quick. Chances are, by now everyone in your league knows about this saga, even if they were locked in a cave all month. So don't be surprised if you're expecting to take a flier on Brett in the fifth or sixth, to see him taken by your little sister in the third or fourth.



My Itching Desire: Getting Brett Favre

I'll talk about this later in more detail, but 2008 is a very questionable season for running backs. There's a handful of reliable guys, some unproven rookies, a lot of studs coming off injuries, and new starters throughout. So taking a RB or two early this year is a no-brainer. Which is why Favre is so intoxicating to me. There's a good chance you can pick him up in a late round, and there's a good chance he'll put up huge numbers like he did last year. You grab two stud RBs early and Brett Favre late, you can start clearing your plate in December, you're probably going to the playoffs. 

But I wouldn't put the kind of faith in Favre I would in guys like Brees, Brady , and Manning. Draft a reliable backup or you might pay the price. With the Madden curse, rust, and the still uncertainty of either a new team or Rodgers winning the job, Favre is a more risky proposition than other stud QBS. So if you get him, make sure you have a Schaub or a Cutler waiting in the wings.

Thus concludes the obligatory Brett Favre portion of this column, we now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Rookie to Watch: Matt Forte of the Chicago Bears

The Chicago Bears will run the football. Repeat those words to yourself, take deep breaths, throw a dart at your Cedric Benson effigy head, and pick up Forte. I won't lie, Benson killed me last year in a few leagues. A first round pickup, he was the death of many fantasy teams in 2007, and I understand the wound is still fresh. But Forte is no Benson. The Green Waver of Tulane rushed for over 2,000 yards last season, averaging over 177 yards a game. In a span of three games last year, he had 820 yards. Yes, while Conference USA and the NFL are apples and oranges, if he even puts up half those numbers he's worth the value at where he's projected to get drafted. 

This is a guy you can easily get in the third, fourth, maybe fifth round. Remember, every year at least one rookie running back has a breakout year. While most predict Darren McFadden is the guy, I think he is overvalued where he is being drafted. Because of playing at Tulane, nobody knows who Forte is, so he's going to be a steal. But in case you just miss out on picking him up, take the chance to look at Chris Johnson for the Tennessee Titans. Another C-USA guy, Johnson is a speedster who is gonna get a lot of playing time in run-first Nashville.

Three-Point Stance: RB's Who Suck

Willie Parker. Injury, Roethlisbeger, Mendenhall. These three words define why I don't like Parker at all this year. Parker's coming off a fractured fibula, not a good injury for a halfback. But even without it, he played 15 games last year, where he racked up a whopping two TD's all year. New coach Mike Tomlin has installed a pass first mentality in Pittsburgh with Big Ben pulling the strings. And even if they did reverse the trend and run more, the big bruiser out of Illionois, Rashard Mendenhall is going to see the bulk of the goal-line action.

Julius Jones. Free from the constraints of Marion Barber, Jones is set to fulfill the legacy of Shaun Alexander in Seattle. and by that I mean suck. In the Parker club of multiple TD's (2), Jones only rushed for 588 yards. But that was because the Cowboys were holding him back right? While Jones will see more action in Seattle, Maurice Morris is going to be sharing the load as co-starter.

Marion Barber. People are in love with this guy in 2008 and he's being taken extremely high on draft boards. I can't argue the numbers (12 TDS, over 1,000 total yards), but just name me one RB who did better when given the full-time position after being in a committee situation.
 
Three Point Stance: RB's Who Don't

Joseph Addai. My choice for number two pick behind LT. Manning's receiving corp is thinning while his O-line is getting better. His sophomore slump last year saw him hitting 15 TDs, and over 1,300 total yards. Look for him to bust out of a rut for a huge third year.

Ronnie Brown. The Dolphins suck. Ronnie Brown does not. While at first one can point to either the ACL injury or the departure of Cam Cameron as signs not to take him, I think the reward greatly outweighs the risk. Brown is looking great so far and the Dolphins can't throw the ball to save their life. With the addition of Jake Long, Anthony Fasano, and head coach Tony Sparano, all signs point to a 75/25 running to passing ratio. The only downside, Ricky Williams also is looking really good, and could see a lot of carries.

Larry Johnson. Anyone who saw HBO's "Hard Knocks" last year knew Johnson was going to suck in 2007. Just the way he was carrying himself reeked of overconfidence and a fat paycheck. But this year I think he has something to prove. Staying healthy would help, but so would one quarterback. I think the constant flip-flopping last year hurt LJ bad. Crappy or not, sticking with Brodie Croyle all season will help his numbers tremendously. Plus, Croyle's wife is smoking hot.

Draft Tips to Swear By: Take a Running Back Dammit!

While this advice gets pounded into the brains of young fantasy footballers at a tender age, I can't repeat it enough and this year holds especially true. Outside of the top four: LT, Addai, AP, and Brian Westbrook, there are only a handful of reliable running backs. It's almost impossible to win without at least one stud running back, so hedge your bets. The strategy that seems to work the best for me is a three-pronged attack. 

First, take Mr. Reliable. If you can't get one of the top four guys I suggest guys like Marshawn Lynch, Frank Gore, or Willis McGahee.

Second, pick a guy with a lot of upside. Examples include anyone coming off injury: Brown, LJ, or Steven Jackson, or anyone who had an off-year last year: MJD, Reggie Bush, or Thomas Jones. 


Third, take a rookie. As mentioned before, at least one rookie always has a huge year, and this year I think there could be three or four. There's the aforementioned McFadden, Forte, Mendenhall, and Johnson, but other guys to watch include Felix Jones in Dallas and Jonathon Stewart in Carolina.
 
Well this concludes the first ever Dear Mr. Fantasy. I hope these tips serve you well in the upcoming fantasy season, but really the best way to get a leg up this year is through mock drafts. They're free over at ESPN.com and are a great tool to preparing for where guys are going in this years draft. Next week I'm going to do a mock draft right before I write my column and will then analyze the first few rounds, telling you why I picked who I did. Until then, I'm Mr. Fantasy playing you a tune.
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Yankee Mustache Retires, Moved to Front Office Role

The hard-hitting mustache that resided on Yankee 1st baseman Jason Giambi's face has announced his retirement from the game. He had spent almost three months with the team and helped Giambi break out of a frustrating hitting slump, although the mustache's overall batting average was just .182 and Giambi now says it's just the right time for the mustache to leave the game.
"There's no more hits in it," Giambi said as he boarded the team bus for the team's flight to Dallas. "No more hits."


Yankee fans had joyously supported the 'stache and often brought their own fake mustaches to home games. It had become a cultural symbol in the Bronx and almost helped Giambi win a spot on this year's all star team.

The Yankees handed out 20,000 fake mustaches to fans attending the Yankees-Rays game on July 9 in an attempt to get him the final spot on the team. But he didn't win the Internet voting by the fans, and now Giambi will try to regain his hitting touch as a clean-shaven guy.

It doesn't appear that the mustache's playing career was quite long enough to be considered for induction into Cooperstown, although mustache aficianados such as Burt Reynolds have already talked of starting a petition.

For more on the magical mustache, New York Newsday has you covered.
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ESPN Achieves Rare Moment of Creativity

If you're a semi regular viewer of ESPN you may have noticed this guy, Steve, appearing lately in live commercials promoting an upcoming change in the worldwide leader's programming. Starting August 12th the morning additions of SportsCenter will no longer be repeated hour after hour and will instead be aired live until 3:00 in the afternoon.

Clearly ESPN producers don't understand the honor that men everywhere have when they realize they've sat through two hour-long (and identical) episodes of SportsCenter. It's a sort of rite of passage and clear catalyst to a fight with your mom about how you "promise to start looking for a job tomorrow."


The story here, though, is the surprising success and creativity that ESPN is enjoying in this campaign. You see, camera crews follow this guy Steve, a young production coordinator from Pittsburgh, around all day as he works in Bristol, goes to the gym, or enjoys a game of bowling with his girlfriend. There are about 10-15 thirty second commercials each day and they're completely live. It's a fairly impressive undertaking and Steve is actually marginally entertaining.

Although I may just be a giant television production nerd. That's a very respectable conclusion to draw.

The realization I've come to is that ESPN's original ideas are only interesting when related to advertising. Their commercials have always been hands down some of the best comedic spots. As my fellow editor Jason has previously pointed out, ESPN loves to try idiotic segments such as "Who's Now?", "Title Town," and "50 States in 50 Days."

I say try this ESPN: Show me highlights, then run several hilarious ESPN commercials, then show me more highlights.

Feel free to slim down by removing such unfortunate things like: Stuart Scott, Stephen A. Smith, the Budweiser Hot Seat, the Coors Light 6 pack of Questions, most of your analysis, Stephen A. Smith, Arena Football highlights, Arena Football analysis, Arena Football.

Check out the new Steve ad campaign at "Steve is Live.com"
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