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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Four Square, Vandalism, and Your Daily Dose of Favre

When I was in high school I took a job at the YMCA one summer working at their summer day camp. From day one I fell in love with the job. The kids were fun, my coworkers were great, and I basically got paid to beat little kids in basketball. I am terrible at basketball, but little kids are much worse. I continued to work there for the next five years or so but then things started to turn a little. 

The people in charge were slowly changing the image of the camp, making it more Christian and wholesome, and staffing the camp with super nice people that loved to sing about Jesus. Not that there's anything wrong with all that. I mean I love me some Jesus singing and all but I missed the old days. I missed tethering children to the back of the makeshift golf cart and driving through mud puddles. I missed pointing out the female counselors in training that would be most likely to get us arrested. I missed the irony of showing up to work hung over only to lead devotional with my campers an hour later. Yes those were some good times. 

So anyway, one night while trying to impress a fellow female counselor, I decided to bring back the past a little. I grabbed a can of paint out of the art supply closet and proceeded to vandalize the camp with YMCA friendly graffiti. Unfortunately, I made a small mistake with what I thought was a harmless prank; I involved the female counselor. She was the second person grilled about the incident, I of course the first. Well moments after I had just finished polishing off my watertight alibi and schmoozing the big man, she ratted out both of us. So now we finally get to the part of this story that matters. 

Called back into the office moments after lying my ass off, I had to face the big man again. By the way big man isn't some corny slang I use, my boss was literally a very big man. Normally this kind of thing would have been open and shut. "Hi Jason, you just lied to my face about vandalizing a Christian camp, I think you know where the door is." But, I wasn't just some schmo who was hired off the street. I was a hardy veteran who was fully entrenched in the YMCA system. 

I had won countless awards for leadership and pottery making and all other counselor related superlatives. I even was inducted into a special club for YMCA badasses. That's right, if I hadn't smeared tomorrows arts and crafts project all over the bathroom door, I might be wrangling dodgeballs in a gym in Akron right now. 

But there I was, surprisingly relaxed for a man who knew he was getting the boot. My boss and I casually talked about our mutual love for Wolfpack basketball, and just reminisced about the years past. My proverbial career was flashing before my eyes. We both knew the end result: you're fired, we're moving on. Moral of the story: don't ever commit crimes with women. But the reason this story from the past surfaced today is not because of some female hating agenda, but because of our dear friend Brett Favre. (Woah, did he really just turn a quaint little piece about his youth into yet another Brett Favre story? You bet your ass I did. Suck on that ESPN.)

When I read about the meeting McCarthy had with Favre and the eventual outcome, I was taken back to that wet, hot, American summer, and the meeting with the big man. I imagine the five hour meeting with Mike McCarthy was very much the same. Two men with mutual respect for one another chatting about the good ole days, talking about nothing really, but all the while just wanting to have one last goodbye. 

Both men knew going into this meeting what the result was going to be. I mean do you really think Favre went in there and told his coach "I want my job, but I'm not willing to beg for it." Or do you think McCarthy told Favre, "Were willing to let you compete for the job only because the press is killing us and you don't really stand a chance." No, of course not. But one last formality was required and thus the awkward man hug that is firing a legend began. 

McCarthy and Favre respected the decision that each other had to make, as my boss and I did ten years ago. But the one tiny little difference between the scenarios is that I never won the YMCA Super Bowl and didn't set every statistical record for camp counseling. Plus, I was on the down slope of my career, realizing that when a bunch of first graders beat me at four square. 

So, once again and for the final time, I promise, I really hope the Green Bay Packers know what the hell they are doing. Because once he walks out that door, he'll never step foot in that YMCA again, no matter how good the catering in the five hour meeting was. I found my next gig at the Bennigans down the street, and my guess is Favre won't have to drive too far either. Although I looked terrible in Bennigans green, Favre is gonna look pretty good in Vikings purple.

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The Stat Machine

Welcome to the Stat Machine: a fancy and expensive device we have purchased that spits out interesting sports statistics for our amusement. My aim every Wednesday is to bring you the funny, the strange, the amazing, and the just plain wacky stats found in such sports categories as:

- batting average
- record when playing at home and wearing white
- penalty kill percentage

And of course everyone's favorite, YAC (yards after catch). So lets crank up the machine, watch the flashing lights, and see what our stat machine has in store for us today.


* Trever Miller, Pitcher: Last week Tampa Bay Rays (Don't you dare say DEVIL Rays) pitcher Trever Miller earned his first decision since September 30, 2006. The win he earned was his first decision in 121 straight appearances on the mound, a Major League Baseball record. After the game Miller went straight to the jokes.

"I tell you what, I'm going to go home tonight and make some decisions," Miller said. "Cause I told my wife, 'Don't ask me anything.' I haven't had a decision in a year and a half; it's all you. You decide where we're going, what vacations we're taking. Now I'm going to take control. So she'll be happy with that."

A feat such as this requires several things. A win OR a loss is counted as a decision so Miller had to pitch just well enough to avoid a loss but poor enough to miss a win. You also have to have an offense behind you that has a penchant for staying off the bases. Any run support at all, even just one run, the inning after he pitches very well could decide the game.


* Pittsburgh Pirates: On opening day this baseball season the Pirates, like every other team, fielded a roster of 25 players. Only 14 of those 25 players still remain in Pittsburgh today. Outfielder Xavier Nady and left-handed reliever Damaso Marte were recently traded to the Yankees, and of course outfielder Jason Bay is now a member of Red Sox nation as part of the Manny trade to the Dodgers.

Pittsburgh entered August in last place in the National League Central, 14.5 games out of first place. Who says you need stability to be successful!


* NBA Live '09 is Alive: The latest NBA video game installment looks to be a lot more realistic than any other basketbal game to date. This upcoming game will feature something called Dynamic DNA which will use changing player abilities, stats, injuries, and trades to update the gameplay. Information will be downloaded to your system as it unfolds throughout the regular season of the NBA.

With almost real-time information you'll have new plays available to call, and ever changing game play. You've always been able to download updated rosters but never before have you had player abilities and team tendencies change as they happen on the real hardwood.

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