Oakland Playas! Your PGA Championship Leaderboard

Picking the winner of a Tigerless golf tournament is as close to needle in a haystack as you'll find in all of sports. Even providing commentary on all of the players is a chore to write and read. 158 golfers teed it up this week in Oakland Hills for the PGA Championship and one hundred of them have a legitimate chance to win the thing. So deciding a winner on Thursday is just foolish. Not one to pity fools, Wet Hot skips the boring Thursday and Friday rounds and gets straight to the good stuff. It's kinda like the little piece of dough in the middle of a cinnamon roll. So bust out your wetnaps as we pull out the sticky goodness that is your Friday night Leaderboard.

(-1) J.B. Holmes 

There's a good chance you've never heard of the 36 hole leader, but he's having a pretty good 2008. Holmes has three top ten finishes, one win (TPC Scottsdale) and a 25th place finish at the Masters. But with the ups there's been downs, as J.B. missed the cut at both Open Championships. By the way, if you're wondering why Mr. Holmes goes by the moniker, J.B., it's because his first name is John. You connect the dots.

(E) Ben Curtis 

There's a good chance you have heard of Curtis. The winner of the 2003 British Open, the experience of winning a major gives him an advantage over all but two other leaders. The fans will be rooting him on as well, because Curtis is sponsored by the NFL and wears the logo of whatever NFL team the venue is closest to. But I have a hard time picking a guy wearing Detroit Lions gear. (Admit it, you thought Oakland Hills was in California, me too. But it's really in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan.)

(E) Justin Rose 

Trying to become the first European born winner of the PGA since Tommy Armour in 1930, Rose has a mountain of history to overcome. He's also trying to overcome a difficult 2008 season which includes only one PGA top ten, a missed cut at the U.S. Open, 70th place at the other, and a fall from the top, to 36th at the Masters. He's never won on the PGA tour, but came the closest he's ever been this year with that one top ten, a second place finish at the Memorial. But "second place by any name wouldn't smell as sweet" 

(E) Charlie Wi 

I suppose if this South Korean had a blog, he would get a lot of traffic from people who can't spell Michelle's name right. But unlike his almost namesake, Charlie has made the cut on the PGA tour 15 times this year. Unfortunately none of those were in majors. The Kenny Perry of Asia, Wi is playing in his first major of the year. But unlike Kenny Perry, Wi didn't poke himself in the eye and withdraw from the tournament. Okay, so he says it was a corneal infection, but I think he jabbed a ball marker in there to avoid playing in his only major. Kenny. You're third in the Ryder Cup standings, now breathe.

(+1) Henrik Stenson 

Wait, this can't be right, they must have switched Swedes. Nope, looks like Thursday night leader Robert Karlsonn shot a 77 and is a good deal off the pace in 26th place. Which is why we do our predictions on Friday. That's not to say that Stenson won't follow suit and shoot a 77 on Saturday though. But with a third place at the Open, 17th at the Masters, and 7 of 9 PGA cuts made this year, I bet Henrik will be sticking around.

(+1) David Toms 

This might be the only guy at the top of the leaderboard the casual golf fan has heard of. And that's probably just because of those ESPN commercials he did back in the day. Oh and he won the PGA in 2001 with the lowest score in major championship history, but that's nothing really. As amazing as that week in 2001 was, the last few years have not been kind to Toms. His best finish in 2008 is a 17th place finish in Charlotte. In the Ryder Cup Standings he's 46th, behind superstuds like Dudley Hart and Chez Reavie. (I've never heard of him, but with a name like Chez, that guy must have had no choice but to play professional golf or be a restaurant sign.)

(+2) 7 players 

The Smoking Duck (Angel Cabrera), Badds! (Aaron Baddeley), The Pornstar (Ken Duke), The Waggle (Sergio Garcia), The Kid (Sean O' Hair), The Other Singh (Jeev Mikah Singh), and Brandt Snedeker. Sorry Brandt, as a consolation for not having a sweet nickname, I pick you as the guy most likely to win out of the group. After all you did finish 3rd at the Masters and 9th at the U.S. Open. I guess I should call you the Top Ten Tennessean. (He's from Nashville)

So who out of these guys do I think will win the PGA? Nobody on this list particularly impresses so I'm gonna be a little creative with my answer. The guy who wins the PGA will also win a wild card berth on the U.S. Ryder Cup team. O'Hair, Snedeker, and Holmes are 13, 15, and 16, respectively, on the Ryder Cup standings. With a win at Oakland Hills, I think there's no doubt Zinger will pull the trigger with one of his four captains picks.

(CONTINUE READING)

Lebron Loves Baklava But Kobe Loves Cannolis. Bryant to Italy in 2010?

We first reported on Ben Gordon's possible European affair, which escalated into Lebron's interest, and now MVP Kobe Bryant says that he would "probably go" if offered $50 million from an Italian team like Milan.

"Like Milan or something like that, where I grew up or something like that? Peace out." Bryant continued: "Do you know any reasonable person that would turn down 50 (million dollars)?"  

If Ben Gordon went to Europe a couple of people in Chicago and his mom would be upset. If Lebron leaves, David Stern will resign, the NBA's ratings will take a nosedive, and the city of Cleveland will implode. But what would happen if Italian born Kobe decided to return home for a year in 2010?

1. Pau Gasol Will Cry Himself to Sleep. 

Drafted by the historically horrible Hawks, Gasol was rescued by the Vancouver Grizzlies, who suck just as bad, but at least the grizzly bearded Spaniard would fit in with the Canadian lumberjacks. Then, Vancouver, unable to sell enough Maple Syrup to support an NBA franchise, moved the team to Memphis. If you've ever been to ghettolicious Memphis you could see how a seven foot Spaniard would have a tough time there. 

But the clouds seemingly opened up for him again, when Phil Jackson let GM Chris Wallace sleep with Jeannie Bus in exchange for Gasol. I think if Pau gets hosed one more time when Kobe leaves him with a bunch of "energy guys," he's going to keep his neighbor's awake at night with the sound of tears falling from seven feet off the ground.


2. Long Live King Kobe. 

When Bryant arrives in Milan there will be thousands of people lining the streets to greet him. This won't be a couple of Long Island families in bootleg Jetts tees clinging to a chain link fence for Favre's autograph. I'm talking full on azure pride awaiting. Throngs of converted soccer hooligans drunkenly chanting their Kobe song they made up over a keg of Peroni last night. 

Not only is Bryant an Italian native, and fluent in the language, he defied the odds and left the United States for the sake of his home country. Sure the $50 million didn't hurt, but that's only $32.5 million Euros, so he's really just an average working class hero in Italy.

3. ESPN Will Start A New Channel. 

If you thought the coverage of "Bays of Our Lives" and "Spygate" were overdone, wait till the Kobe to Italy talks start heating up. Instead of just turning Sportscenter into Kobecenter like they did with Favre, they will also launch an entire channel called ESPNK, that is dedicated to nothing but Kobe Bryant coverage. 

Hear from insightful pundits like Kobe's high school math teacher, Olimpia Milano towel boys, and a guy who once gave him change for a dollar. Watch captivating footage of Kobe cashing his check at the bank, getting a slice of pizza, and watching his stocks. Marvel at the sports figures that ESPN drags out of retirement to talk about Kobe. It's a good thing ESPN is doing Sportscenter live all morning in a few days, because I'm just not getting enough coverage.

4. Kobe Can Resume Adultering. 

Kobe's bogus rape trial earned him a lifetime negative approval rating  everywhere outside of Los Angeles. Even though not convicted, cheating on your wife is a big time no-no in the morally righteous ideology of the United States. In Europe, sexual promiscuity is abundant, especially in Italy where lying about adultery is protected by the Italian version of The Supreme Court. 

So if some snooping paparazzi-man catches you fondling another woman's boobage, you have no need to worry. You can simply hold a press conference to say that you were giving her a complimentary breast exam that she won in a halftime free-throw shooting contest. And the Italians will be legally obligated to believe you.

Amore on Kobe's Italian Future at The Boston Globe.

(CONTINUE READING)