A Letter to Brett Favre

Dear Brett,

I just wanted to say how much you have meant to me over the years. Your tutelage on the field and off has been an inspiration to me. You are truly one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of our hallowed sport. I have truly enjoyed spending the last three years of my life together with you. You remember that time we went to Krispy Kreme and you got frosting in your grizzly man-beard and I said you looked like Sasquatch on an oral bender? We laughed and laughed. Which is why it pains me to see you treat me like this. Were we not good friends all these years? Did those macrame anklets we made together mean nothing to you? When you wished me the best of luck and told me how special I was going to be, were you just spitting into the wind? Please Brett don't do this to me. I love you man.

Your ankle buddy always,
Aaron Rodgers

A Letter to Aaron Rodgers

Dear A-Rod,

You're right. I am in fact one of the greatest quarterbacks to play the game. Which is why this is so hard for me. You and me really had something special; I'd be the hero and you'd be the hero's little buddy. But what's going on now is just too hard for me to understand. The little buddy can't be the hero. Can you imagine a TV show called 'Robin'? Of course not, it's called 'Batman.' What if instead of people wrasslin' alligators it was the other way around? You just can't upset the order of the Universe. I'm just doing what's right for the both of us.

Aw shucks I'm right close to making myself cry!


Your friend always,
Brett Favre (hero)

A Letter to Brett Favre

Dear Sex Sasquatch,
(JK Brett! Still BFFs?)

Thank you so much for your quick response to my letter. It's nice to get a quick response isn't it? JK! I must say I tend to disagree with you on both points however. I think "Robin" would make a great TV show. Chris O'Donnell once a week? Can you say Emmy!? And Brett, I know the time we spent together has really flown by; but it's been three years. Elway didn't need three years. You only needed one. (Elway started right away, just pointing that out.) Even Philip freaking Rivers didn't need three years. I mean I was picked #24 overall, a huge investment for the organization. Hate to be a Debbie Downer but you were picked #33 overall. Look, you had a good year. We almost made it to the Super Bowl! If Batman almost made it to the Super Bowl, he would retire too Brett.


Your pal,
Aaron Rodgers (starter)

A Letter to Aaron Rodgers

Dear Hot Rod,

Look, we can still be friends but let's tone down the "BFF" talk. My wife is starting to ask questions. And I don't know if you've heard but I've agreed to stay clear of Packers training camp for a couple of days. Nothing personal bro, I just want the boys upstairs to get their shit together and find me a cozy new home. Because they obviously don't want to win this year. If they did they'd put the best quarterback up for the job. Oh, and the fact that you were drafted higher than me is beside the point. You just have higher expectations. It sure don't help that you've got to follow in my Mississippi footsteps. Nobody can sling a ball like me Aaron! And I've been thinking, if I decide to retire again I can go back to acting. Did you see me co-star with Cameron Diaz?? Good luck in cheese town. I'm hittin' the road.


Later friend,
Brett

A Letter to Commissioner Goodell

Dear Rodger,

I would like to formally apply for reinstatement to the NFL. Specifically just to screw with The Green Bay Packers and one Aaron Rodgers. Here's the best part, I just sent him a letter telling him I was retiring again and becoming an actor. Shooot! Can you imagine me as one of them fancy-schmancy LA boys? The only reason I did that part in "Something About Mary," is because Deanna had a crush on Matt Dillon and I forgot to get her an anniversary gift. Well she got her damn gift alright. I'm also writing to inform you that I was the one who tampered with The Packers, not The Vikings. I do a spot-on Childress. I don't plan on playing for any team but The Green Bay Packers and unless they cut me, I will be the starter come week one, you can bet your ass. Prepare the engravings now Mr. Commissioner, cause ol' Brett's gonna win the Super Bowl.

Respectfully,
Brett Favre (Quarterback)