Clearing the Smog, Vol. V: Getting to know the U.S. Men's Volleyball Team

In case you haven't heard, U.S. Men's Volleyball coach Hugh McCutcheon's father in-law was killed, and his mother in-law murdered by a deranged attacker with a knife. All signs point to this being a freak incident, and not an attack on the Olympics or our country. But it is an incredible tragedy nonetheless. Obviously overtaken by grief, McCutcheon stepped down as coach to be with his family. Intrigued by how the team would respond, I stayed up late to watch the men take on Venezuela in their opener. But what began as morbid curiosity quickly turned into a love for the sport of volleyball and this U.S. Olympic squad. So once again I bring you an inspired look into:

The U.S. Olympic Men's Volleyball Team

Tom Hoff: The Captain

Making his third Olympic appearance, the captain was a college all-star. Originally signed by Ohio State, he left the team for Long Beach State his Junior year, even though he was a second team all American and starter for the buckeyes. A reason for all the OSU haters to like this team. At Long Beach he was a two-time all American and set multiple NCAA records while playing for the 49ers. I always thought San Fransisco had a creative name until I just found out they ripped off LBSU.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: In addition to being nicknamed dilly-dally, Hoff is quoted in the article as saying, "Please take me." and "Huge dreams and a minuscule.........scholarship."

Reid Priddy:  The Scoring Machine

The second leading scorer in Athens, Priddy has stepped up his game to be the top scorer for the U.S. in both the '07 World Cup and the '07 World League, where he was also the second highest scorer. Priddy says he started playing volleyball when his high school announced they would be starting a team. Clearly underfunded, Reid and his teammates would shop at thrift shops for "crazy outfits" just to shake things up. Don't worry though, this troubled teen became a born-again Christian in college.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: The player that Priddy finished second to in scoring at the World League: Russia's own, Semen Poltavsky (I'm dead serious, his name is Semen)

Clay Stanley: The Serving Ace

An absolute whiz with the yellow and blue. (Did you know they don't use white balls anymore?) Stanley was the top server at the '08 NORCECA Qualifiers. NORCECA stands for acronym that is about four letters too long. Clay is known as an "opposite hitter," which I hope means what I think it does. "The ball's coming real high, I'm sure Clay will be jumping up straight to hit it, nope he's jumping like a monkey again. Oh Clay, you're such a jokester."

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Stanley's NBC Bio includes articles titled "Bigger and Hits Harder" and "Riding on a Rainbow." Coincidentally, Clay Stanley always showers alone.

Lloy Ball: The Grizzled Veteran

In case you're already writing to inform me of a spelling error, his name really is Lloy. I have no idea what that's all about, but I like to think his mother suffered a stroke while giving his name, and nobody had the heart to tell her what happened. But if anyone can get through the shame of being d-less, it's Ball. A four time Olympian with a mean streak, Lloy has a goatee, pierced ear, and a plethora of tattoos that include the Olympic rings and a skeleton spiking a volleyball through a triangle. Which is badass because everyone knows triangles are the devil's volleyball net.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: None. Lloy eats sexual innuendo for breakfast.

Sean Rooney: The Tall Guy

Standing at a towering 6-9, Stanley originally started out playing basketball, but was" just a tall skinny kid who got pushed around a lot." So he began playing volleyball, where he is protected from the other players by a net. To make him sound a little less like a wussbag, I should mention that in 2006 he signed with the Korean Capital Hyundai Skywalkers. I really hope all the Korean volleyball teams have Star-Wars nicknames like the Vaders, the Millennium Falcons, and the Billy Dee Williams Colt 45's.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Coach McCutcheon, when asked about Rooney said he has a "wonderful feel." Lloy ball machoed it up a bit by saying he's a "left-side banger."

Ryan Millar: The Other Tall Guy

Just a hair under Rooney at 6-8, Ryan Millar is kind of a dick. Named as an assistant head coach for the BYU men's volleyball team, Millar found himself thrust into the spotlight when the head coach suddenly resigned. Named co-captain with assistant coach Shawn Patchell, Millar pulled himself out of the running for full-time coach because the pay sucked. Umm, Ryan you could have just said you didn't want it because you thought Patchell was the more deserving candidate, instead of spitting in the face of his McJob.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Miller's NBC bio includes articles titled, "Instant Impact" and "Sports and Young Love." Even Clay Stanley doesn't let Ryan near his children.

Gabe Gardner: Yet Another Tall Guy

Making his second Olympic appearance, Gabe is an opposite hitter, who used to be an outside hitter. So not only do you not know what he's going to do, you also don't know where he's coming from. Gardner dabbled in another Olympic sport while in high school: water polo. Offered scholarships from Pepperdine and UCLA, he turned them down to play volleyball at USC. All of his opponents let out a collective sigh. At 6-8, he probably didn't have to swim; a distinct water polo advantage.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Asked about Gabe, the coach had this to say: "switching Gardner's position came about because he is not great at receiving serve, but McCutcheon wanted to still be able to utilize Gardner." I'm beginning to wonder if a few of the players were relieved to see McCutcheon quit. I know, I know, too soon.

David Lee: The Kid

The youngest member of the squad, at the age of 26, this is Lee's first Olympics. The youngest at 26? I guess that explains why every volleyball match I've ever seen played, consisted of nothing but geriatric men with way too much back hair. Well not the back hair part, but if I have to suffer, so do you the reader. Lee is also a bit of a hothead and is known for "random yelling" during matches. Are they sure he doesn't just have Tourette's? To calm down, he enjoys stamp collecting and model train building. Which is why he fits in playing a sport with geriatric old men.

Sexual Innuendo Courtesy of NBC.com: Lee's other hobbies include water sports and poker. A sentence who's double entendres make me laugh every time.

Quick Hits on the other members:

Scott Touzinsky: Has a weakness for buying shoes. (Gay)
Rich Lambourne: Played baseball, but switched to volleyball to be with friends. (Gay)
Riley Salmon: Is married to a woman named Millie (Gay)
Kevin Hansen: Shoots up at least six times a day. (Diabetic)

More innuendo at nbcolympics.com