Mascot Mania: Ranking the Mascots of the ACC

You might have noticed the last few days there has been a lack of posts, and that yours truly is the only one writing said posts. That would be because my partner Phil, is on a leave of absence. Phil will be attending a "Finding the Inner Woman in You" seminar for the next week, leaving me alone with WHAS. Phil's new found sexuality means two things: one, their will only be about two or three posts a day, instead of four or five, and two, he won't be able to do his feature posts on Wednesday and Thursday. So in celebration of the upcoming college football season I introduce to you:

Mascot Mania: Ranking the Mascots of the BCS

From today until Saturday, I'll be breaking down and ranking each of the six BCS conference's mascots. The rankings are based on which team's logo/mascot/nickname best exemplifies the spirit of competition. A figurehead that instills fear in it's opponents and provides a rallying cry for their players and fans. So join me as I indicate, inform, and irritate those who's teams who's mascot are sub-par. First up, The ACC.

12. The Virginia Tech Hokies

One of the biggest detractors for me in ranking any school's mascot, is a nonsensical name. How is one supposed to rally behind something that has no physical embodiment? 

The term hokie comes from the school's fight song, which begins, "Hokie Hokie Hy." It is basically the equivalent of the term "Rah." As is the case for many of the mascots on the lists this week, the hokie doesn't translate into costume, so the school is forced to adopt a secondary mascot. This in itself is a drawback to the team's image. 

When naming the mascot, shouldn't that have been a factor in eliminating it from consideration? But, if given a chance to supplement your clearly stupid choice of a mascot, the school should at least get it right the second time. But the boys from Blacksburg chose a turkey. 

The "gobblers", as they're known, most likely comes from a legend about the VT football players' ability to gobble down food. So Virginia Tech players are supposed to rally around a gluttonous turkey that goes, "Rah"? It's a good thing VT has arguably the best fans in the ACC, canceling out arguably the dumbest mascot in the BCS.

11. The UNC Tarheels

Let the hate mail commence. It seems that in the minds of most media outlets, UNC can do no wrong. But this has nothing to do with wins, championships, or pretty colors; it's about how a school reps itself in foam, rubber, and in this case print. 

I'm sorry UNC fans, your nickname sucks. The name tarheel, which is also the state nickname, comes from....well nobody really knows. There are a whole slew of theories out there. One story has North Carolina soldiers in the Revolutionary War dumping pine tar into the now aptly named Tar River, causing British soldiers to get sticky heels when they crossed. 

Another comes from the fact that North Carolina was the last state to secede during the civil war. But, most likely the term is just a derogatory slang word that outsiders had for the pine tarring workers of the state. Pine tarring is a smelly, disgusting job that most wouldn't even think of doing. So calling someone a tarheel was the equivalent of calling someone a shit shoveler. Well, if that's not a figure I want to rally around I don't know what is. 

The offensive tarheel is a much crappier mascot than the nonsensical hokie, but like VT, UNC had a second chance because the tarheel doesn't translate into costume. And as horrible as the tarheel is. the ram is a great mascot, especially for football. It invokes the sentiment of a hard nosed, grind-it-out mentality that a football team often utilizes. So, the ultra-cool ram slightly neutralizes the offensive tarheel, giving UNC the edge over Virginia Tech.

10. The Maryland Terrapins

A whole lot of things wrong with this one. First, the mascot's official name is, Testudo, which is Latin for "protective shell." Implementing a dead language only used by scientists and priests to name your mascot is ridiculous enough. 

But choosing a Latin name that sounds like the protagonist in a fantasy porn film is even worse. I think the porn's tag-line would read: "Join Testudo and his sidekick Phallus as they save Sexylvania by ransacking the booties of all the maiden's in the land." But regardless of that, it's still a freaking turtle. 

Not a snapping turtle, or a giant Galapagos turtle, but a diamondback terrapin, a small, brackish water turtle. So not only can the poor bastard only live in water that's salty and fresh at the same time, it's only defense is to hide in it's shell; which anyone who's ever stepped on a turtle knows isn't so great. 

But I will give the University of Maryland credit for making lemonade out of lemons. In both the logo and the mascot, the terrapin is depicted as being ferocious, and it does look like it would snap your head off. But I think even a really loud "Hokie" would send it hiding in it's shell.

9. The Duke Blue Devils

A classic case of coming so close and then falling flat on your face. If they were simply known as the Duke Devils, they would probably be in the top three. The alliterative association with the prince of darkness would no doubt meet the requirement of instilling fear in your opponents. 

While Conservative christian players might have a hard time rallying around it at first, a senior linebacker would no doubt pile drive the bible beater and then politely tell him it's just a damn mascot. In football there is no religion and politics, only manliness. 

But the "I'm better than thou" Dookies, chose to name their mascot in honor of the "les Diables Bleus," a French regiment of soldiers in WWI. It's no wonder everyone in America hates your team. The idea of naming your school after a group of soldiers is good. But instead of the "we lose every war" French, how about naming your team the "Roughriders," the name of the rough and tumble soldiers that Teddy Roosevelt led during the Spanish American War.

Or if you really like the satanic theme, how about the "Devil Dogs," a common term given to members of the Marines. I also have a hard time associating the term with anything other than the popular song by Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels. Having a song as a rallying cry can work, but, "Devil in a Blue Dress." isn't exactly "We Will Rock You."

8. The Miami Hurricanes.

The University of Miami has the exact opposite problem as UNC. They have a very cool nickname, with a horrible secondary mascot. 

A hurricane is probably the most destructive and deadly mascot in all of sports. Until Colgate University changes it's name to the Colgate Cancer, the hurricane will always reign supreme. But, as the Carolina Hurricanes and Iowa State Cyclones also found out, embodying a force of nature just doesn't translate to foam. So Miami turned to a lanky bird. 

As I'll cover more later in the week, I'm not a fan of bird mascots. The only time birds have been scary were as a giant pecking pack, in Hitchcocks' "The Birds." So unless a team names itself after a group of birds, I'm not for it. That said, I'm officially petitioning Fordham Univerity to change it's name to the Fordham Flock of Seagulls. 

But I will give credit to the U for making the Ibis look somewhat threatening. It looks like a drunk sailor ready to fight. The long, sharp beak is also intimidating, able to poke the eye out of it's competitors. But then why the hell does their mascot look like Howard the Duck? The threatening Ibis has been neutered of it's once deadly weapon and is now just a drunk duck sailor. But the deadly hurricane helps propel Miami above the others.

7. The Boston College Eagles

Yet another bird. Why are so many teams named after birds? I realize that you want to separate yourself from the millions of Wildcats and Tigers, but birds are nature's dumbasses. Someone stupid is called "bird-brained" for a reason. 

But, if you're gonna pick a bird, at least pick a good one. The list of acceptable birds is: Hawks, condors, falcons, and eagles. These are predatory creatures who spend most of their time looking for unsuspecting creatures to dive-bomb.

And I can't argue against the correlation between Boston's position in our nation's history, and the national bird of our country. Boston is one of the few cities, along with Philadelphia that can choose the eagles without any question. 

Also, the name of their mascot is "Baldwin the Eagle" which conjures visions of Alec Baldwin running around the field squawking, which would be simply hilarious. However it could also make you think of Stephen Baldwin, which no person should ever have to do.

6. The Clemson Tigers

Without a doubt, the tiger is a great symbol of honor and fear. The image of a prowling tiger guarding it's young will make even the bravest men dampen their pants. 

Tigers are creatures that demand to be fed giant hunks of raw meat,that they rip apart with their huge fangs and sharp claws. Clemson however, chose not to focus on this aspect at all. 

Instead they gave us "Mr. Tiger" in all his goofy Winnie the Pooh glory. No, you know what, I take that back, even Tigger is scarier than that goofy cat to my right. In theory, Tigger could bounce up in the air, stick out his claws and gore you on the rebound. 

He also has a cooler name than the creative Mr. Tiger. If you're going to name a tiger I suggest Tygra, after the baddest Thunder Cat of them all. But Clemson just proves my theory that if you're stuck coming up with a good team name, no matter how redundant, Tiger or Wildcat guarantees you'll be better than at least half the mascots in your conference.

5. The Virginia Cavaliers

To rate UVA, we need to first learn what a cavalier really is. Cavalier can mean an aloof attitude towards a particular subject. Which would put Virginia down with it's in-state brethren in the nonsensical name category. 

But obviously, Thomas Jefferson's school chose to go with the term used to describe royalist supporters of King George during the English Civil War. One could point out that a school in the state of presidents, and home of the capital of the confederacy, shouldn't name themselves after supporters of the English monarchy, but the cavaliers we're no ordinary aristocrats. 

They were men with great honor but little cause. They would gladly die for their King, the only idol these godless men worshipped. Think the Three Musketeers, but British. They were the type of guys who would fight you with a sword in one hand, and hold a wineglass with the other. 

Between parrys, thrusts, and drinks, they would spout off witty insults that you wouldn't understand, and then gut you. You're probably wondering why these debonair swordsmen wouldn't be higher than fifth on the list. Well Virginia also goes by the nickname Wahoos. Rather than dive into a rant about this ridiculous name, I'll just move on and stay away from the state of Virginia.

4. The Wake Forest Demon Deacons

I struggled with where to put Wake Forest on this list. Originally I had them much lower, as religious monikers don't normally tend to register high on the intimidation scale. But when I was searching for pictures, the scowling deacon logo made me rethink my decision. 

Look at that guy and tell me he doesn't stir up images of an old-school Baptist parishioner that would literally beat you with his bible if you acted out in church. I think everyone has had some negative childhood experience with a super-religious adult who choose Jesus beats you over Jesus loves you as a Christian motto. 

It also doesn't hurt that Wake Forest's deacon rides into games on a motorcycle. Tell me you would mess with the guy in full top hat and tails riding on a Harley, and I would call you a liar. 

Just in case childhood trauma doesn't make you fear them, Wake Forest added the "Demon" just to make sure you know this isn't no ordinary man of God.

3. The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

For every kid who had a horrible experience with religious adults, there are two had one with yellow jackets. But these stinging menaces aren't particularly aggressive unless you mess with their hive. Okay, cool, just stay away from their home and you're okay. 

Unfortunately, as many a summer camper has found out, yellow jackets usually nest in the ground, and you don't see them until your walking stick pokes one of them in the eye. And now, you've awoken a beast. 

Able to sting multiple times, possibly killing those allergic, the yellow jacket defiantly strikes fear in any man. But what really propels the Yellow Jackets into the top three is the other mascot they have, the "Ramblin' Wreck."

 A gold-painted roadster complete with beautiful women and rallying banners that say "Give 'em Hell Jackets," it rolls out on the field ready to run your tigers and cavaliers into the ground. Now if they could only train a swarm of bees to circle the car as it makes it's way onto the field, the Yellow Jackets would probably top the list.

2. The N.C. State Wolfpack

North Carolina State's mascot exemplifies everything a mascot should be. The fear factor isn't even a question. Even though most of us don't live in areas that wolves call home, anyone who's camped out before still trembles when they hear a dog howling in the distance.

Which brings up another point. Associating yourself with wolves allows you the right to use the wolf howl as a rallying cry. No matter if it's a drunk guy thumping his chest with his shirt off, or Michael J. Fox as he drives the lane in the eighties, the wolf howl strikes fear into the hearts of opponents.

The other factor that puts N.C. State over the top is the fact that it's a pack of wolves. Wolves are known for being protective of each other, only hunting in groups, and using their numbers to their advantage. 

The unity metaphors that a coach can implement are endless. Use your "pack mentality" to "circle your opponents" while being "hungry like a wolf." The only negative is the constant urge to play Duran Duran at home games.

1. The Florida State Seminoles

The only thing scarier than being surrounded by a pack of wolves is a tomahawk flying at your forehead. Many sports teams have used the honorable warrior mentality of the Native Americans as a rallying image for their team. Unfortunately most are also an image of blatant racism.

 But not Florida State, who when the NCAA banned offensive stereotypes as school mascots, received a special exception due to the overwhelming approval of the Seminole tribe of Florida. Why did the Seminoles endorse a possibly offensive image? Because the Seminoles eat stereotypes for breakfast. 

This is no ordinary Native American tribe. After many of their weak compatriots were driven out of Florida and into the west, about 400 or so Seminoles stuck around to fight. Hardening themselves by living in the Everglades and probably inventing alligator wrestling in the process, the Seminoles weren't going anywhere. 

In the wars that followed between the new Floridians and the Seminoles, the swamp boys killed 1,500 soldiers, which was at least triple the number of Seminoles that stayed behind. Eventually the soldiers gave up and even offered them two seats in the Florida congress, which the Seminoles proceeded to wipe their asses with. So, for choosing a mighty and fearsome icon, and for reminding us all of the history of the aptly named "Unconqured People," FSU wins the contest for best mascot in the ACC.

Hope you enjoyed the first instalment of this week's special feature. Feel free to voice your opinions about the list in the comments below. Tomorrow, we'll be looking at mascots from the Big Ten.