Mascot Mania: Ranking the Mascots of the Big Ten

Okay so I didn't post this yesterday like I should have, but that's because our crack R&D team was formulating a new approach to the mascot mania format. This time, I'll be breaking each team down in categories, and assigning each category a numeric value, with one being the lowest and ten being the highest. I've also added a "Fun for Kids" category, to factor in the mascot's likability with children. This will be the format for the rest of the conferences as well. I could go back and change the ACC post also, but meh. So no more blabbering, because it's time for:

Ranking the Mascots of The Big Ten

The historic Big Ten conference has eleven teams and fuzzy math. Overall the conference has quite a few really good mascots, but sadly three of the teams don't have any kind of physical representation of their school's nickname. This is a huge negative when determining the worth of mascots. You can't play ball if you don't have a team. There also is a trend to adopt state nicknames. 5 of the 11 teams take their nickname from their home state. But enough with stat, let's get to the new and improved rankings:

11. The Indiana Hoosiers

Origin: Indiana, like four others on this list, takes it's name from the state it's in. The word Hoosier means nothing more than a person from the state of Indiana. Nobody really knows where the word came from; like tarheel, the origin stories are numerous and pretty stupid. One particularly dumb tale has pioneer folk in Indiana shouting "Hello the cabin" when approaching houses, to which the cabin dweller would respond, "Who's 'Ere." You can see how wads of tobacco spit and illiteracy would eventually turn the phrase into "Hoosiers." I guess it could be worse though, they could be the Indiana Indianans. 2


Name of Mascot: N/A 0

Fear Factor: People don't tend to go running and screaming when they meet eleven guys from Indiana. But on the other hand, Dave Letterman is from Indiana, and he's kind of an ass, so there's always that. 2

Rallying Cry: The one inlaid advantage to adopting your state's nickname as your own is a built in connection to everyone in the state. Like it or not, everyone in that state is, by definition, also a hoosier. 5

Fun for Kids: It's a well published fact that kids hate the letter "I". Maybe they wouldn't if Indiana embodied one, ala Sesame Street. It's just an idea. 1

Total MQ (Mascot Quotient): 10

10. The Illinois Fighting Illini

Origin: The Illini is a name given to a group of six tribes from the upper Mississippi area that inexplicably has seventeen members(according to wikipedia). I guess that makes them a perfect fit for the Big Ten/Eleven. Normally, as you saw with the placement of FSU at the top of the ACC mascots, Native American tribe mascots earn big time points for their historical value and warrior mentality. But the Illini tribes weren't really all that great. Most of them were stricken by disease when the Europeans started immigrating. What was left of the tribe was easily carted to Oklahoma when manifest destiny overtook their land. 3

Name of Mascot: Formerly Chief Illinikwek, now nothing. 1

Fear Factor: Hard to be scared of a bunch of sickly Native Americans. On the plus side, a member of the Peoria tribe, one of the seventeen/six tribes, was responsible for assassinating legendary Iroquois chief Pontiac. Presumably while covered in measles. 6

Rallying Cry: The school used to have a dancing, offensive Native American named Chief Illiniwek, but he was banned by the new NCAA rule. Illinois was not backed by any tribe, as FSU was, so the Chief was tomahawked. Kinda hard to get pumped about a mascot that doesn't have your back. 1

Fun for Kids: Who doesn't love teaching their child the joys of racisim? 0

Total MQ: 11


9. The Minnesota Golden Gophers

Origin: Minnesota is often referred to as the Gopher state, hence the nickname taken by it's namesake university. The reason Minnesota is called this, is due to a 1857 political cartoon depicting gophers with politician heads, pulling a locomotive. Hilarious! The cartoon was in response to local politicians passing a very expensive bill to fund train construction, an event not worthy of being remembered every time Minnesota plays sports. The "golden" moniker comes from an old announcer appropriately describing their all gold uniforms. 4

Name of Mascot: Goldy Gopher 4

Fear Factor: Gophers are small herbivores that live in large families underneath big open fields. These "gopher towns" can grow to be several acres and occupy a thousand gophers. Their elaborate tunnels eventually kill all plant life in the area, turning the once beautiful meadow into a dust bowl. Also, one of them really pissed off Bill Murray. 3 

Rallying Cry: The team aspect of gophers is definitely a plus, but unless you've got a couple years to kill while your team digs intricate tunnels under the field, it's hard to rally behind a gopher. 1 2 3 Burrow! 2

Fun for Kids: Gophers are depicted in the media as being fun-loving mischievous characters. Although he ain't scaring opponents, kids probably do love Goldy. 8

Total MQ: 21

8. The Northwestern Wildcats

Origin: Northwestern University used to go by the nickname, "The Purple." As unoriginal as Wildcats is, it's better than the purple. Realizing that their colorful nickname was so uncreative that it was bordering on creative, conservative Northwestern decided to adopt a newspaper headline that mentioned how the team fought like wildcats in a loss. So not only was the name not creative, and derived from the same old source, it was from a losing effort! The only thing that makes this uncreative nickname somewhat acceptable is that it replaces the other name the team had when they were the purple; "The Fighting Methodists." 5

Name of Mascot: Willie the Wildcat 5

Fear Factor: Contrary to popular belief, "wildcats" is not a collective term for all cougars, pumas, lynxes, and such. It is a feral cat that is very similar to the domesticated house cat, except that when it kills birds and mice, it eats every part of the body, instead of just leaving a bloody carcass on your porch as a trophy. 6

Rallying Cry: If you're worried about Illinois wildcats attacking your children, you can relax. Wildcats only live in Europe, Africa, and Asia, nowhere near Evanston, Illinois. Go Wildcats! As soon as we finish crossing the Atlantic that is! 2

Fun for Kids: The kids don't have to worry about any actual attacks from feral cats, just wet ones from Willie. 5

Total MQ: 23

7. The Ohio State Buckeyes

Origin: The buckeye tree is the state tree of Ohio. There's really nothing more to this origin story. That's it. It's just a damn tree that produces large nuts that British people use to play a ridiculous sounding game called, "Conker." Which made me learn why the Nintendo squirrel of the same name was called that. Other than that, I got nothing. 1

Name of Mascot: Brutus the Buckeye 10

Fear Factor: Buckeyes are very hard, very round nuts, that can be found aplenty all throughout Ohio. Imagine getting pelted by these things by 100,000 screaming OSU fans at the Horseshoe. I think I'd rather be stoned to death. 5

Rallying Cry: O-H-I-O. That's what they'll be screaming as they bombard you with more nuts in your face than George Michael in a public bathroom. 4

Fun for Kids: The one thing that puts OSU this far up the list is their mascot, Brutus. While most schools would have backed down when facing the challenge of embodying a buckeye, OSU said nuts to that, and named him Brutus. Brutus is truly one of the coolest and toughest looking mascots of all time. Oh and the kids love that nut too. 6

Total MQ: 26

6. The Iowa Hawkeyes:

Origin: Iowa takes their name from their state as well. The hawkeye nickname is most likely derived from the character, "Hawkeye" from "The Leatherstocking Tales", and the less gay adaptation, "Last of the Mohicans." Hawkeye was a half white, half Native American warrior, played by milkshake loving Daniel Day Lewis. Apparently he was also last of the Mohicans. All this is well and good , except the events of this story took place in New York, nowhere near Iowa. So I guess they just really liked "The Leatherstocking Tales." Because reading is fun-damental. 7

Name of Mascot: Herky the Hawk 2

Fear Factor: Hawkeye the mixed race warrior, lived by the motto, "One shot, one kill." Which has been adopted by Iowa frat guys but altered a little to, "One shot, Jagremeister." 8

Rallying Cry: Daniel Day-Lewis is pretty damn cool, but he was one single warrior, with little hope of carrying on the name of his people. Not exactly the game day speech I wanna give to my team. Plus, Iowa has chose not to focus on the badass aspects of their name, instead translating it literally into a Hawk's eye. Go eyeballs! 6

Fun for Kids: Iowa alumnus or not, I would smack my child fierce if he wanted the autograph of something called Herky. 4

Total MQ: 27

5. The Michigan Wolverines:

Origin: According to Marvel Lore, James "Logan" Howlett was a wolverine cub who evolved at an alarming rate due to the interference of an omnipotent being. He has the charchteristics of a wolverine, but he can also walk upright and fart. Also somewhere down the evolutionary chain, wolverines apparently adopted the ability to heal themselves. The Univeristy of Michigan thought this, and his maize and blue X-Men uniform were really cool so they made him their mascot. I have no evidence of this, but neither does wikipedia, so it must be true. 10

Name of Mascot: N/A I'm adopting Wolverine the X-Man simply for this article, they actually have no mascot. 0

Fear Factor: When engaged in close combat, Wolverine will often go into "berserk mode," giving him a burst of speed and strength and making him less vlunerable to psychic attacks. Beat that Brutus! 10

Rallying Cry: Wolverine Ho! Wouldn't it be cool if Wolverine made an appearance on the Thundercats? It seems like the most natural crossover in all of cartooning. 6

Fun for Kids: Who doesn't love playing with their retractable adamanium claw gloves? Plus, Wolverine makes being hairy cool, which makes little kids respect their football loving dads even more. 5

Total MQ: 31

4. The Wisconsin Badgers

Origin: The last of the same as state schools, Wisconsin is known as the badger state, but not after the suprisingly ferocious mammal. It comes from a term used to describe prospectors who came in search of minerals, but came away empty-handed. Apparanetly, to stay warm dry and homeless, they would burrow into the sides of hills like badgers. Which proves my theory that people will do anything to have gold plated teeth as cool as Marshawn Lynch's. 7

Name of Mascot: Bucky Badger 7

Fear Factor: The badger is one of nature's scrappiest creatures. These ferocious little beasts have been known to fight off wolves, coyotes, and even bears. They can also run at an alarming 30mph. Bucky might be cute, but his brothers will f you up. 8

Rallying Cry: The image of the small badger taking on the big bear and winning, probably gets deployed at least twice a year when Wisconsin faces OSU and Michigan. 6

Fun for Kids: Like I said before, Bucky is an adorable little guy, but I still wouldn't let him near my children. But I would before I would let them near those dirty prospectors. 5

Total MQ: 33

3. Purdue Boilermakers

Origin: The name boliermaker comes from a term a local newspaper used, to describe the men who played on the football team. Why? Because back in the older, more manly days, going to engineering school meant actually bending steel with your bare hands. Students would spend most of their time working in the forge room, learning the ropes of their soon to be jobs. I imagine after molding steal all day, molding opposing teams to the ground was cake. The newspaper quote comes from the aftermath of a 44-0 victory. 10

Name of Mascot: Purdue Pete 4

Fear Factor: There is nothing more synonomous with footbal than big burly men in hard hats. These men will wrap rebars around your neck and drive you into the ground with a sledgehammer. 8

Rallying Cry: Just like the Pittsburgh Steelers, Purdue's mascot gets down to the blue-collar roots of the game. When you have 300+ pound guys without shirts on, with nothing better to do than curse at you, you play your damn heart out. 10

Fun for Kids: Teach your kids at an early age that growing up in a small town means low pay and a crappy job, or abandoning your family for greener pastures. Good times! 2

Total MQ: 34

2. The Penn State Nittany Lions

Origin: Named after the mountain lions that used to roam near campus from nearby Mt. Nittany, the Nit....wait a sec, did I just type that right? They used to roam around campus? I suppose the students of back in the day Penn State would laugh at the notion of a school shooter. How would he ever get past the lions? 10

Name of Mascot: The Nittany Lion 3

Fear Factor: If the thought of actual mountain lions potentially wandering on the field hadn't already scared the crap out of your opponents, how about this fun fact: the mountain lion's primary attack is the neck lunge. It will bear down on an animal or linebacker's back, specifically between the vertebrae and the spinal cord. So even if you survive, you'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life. 10

Rallying Cry: The squelching roar of a mountain lion will send shivers down even the fattest O-lineman's about to be ripped apart spine. 9

Fun for Kids: As ferocious as their mascot is, Penn State did a good job of making their mascot look as goofy as humanly possible. 7

Total MQ: 39

1. The Michigan State Spartans.

Origin: Originally called "The Staters," the Michigan State board of trustees decided to name the school after something a little less redundant. The Spartans were inhabitants of a city-state of Greece that was the predominat military power in the region for over 300 years. Their military tactics and overall badassery are still studied to this day. 10

Name of Mascot: Sparty 8

Fear Factor: In the city-state of Sparta, the people were divided up into two main classes; Spartan citizens and hellots(serfs). In addition to having crappy names, the hellots were in constant fear for their life when the leaves turned colors. According to Spartan law, Spartan citizens were allowed to murder hellots with no reprecussions in the autumn season. Whenever Michigan State gets around to scheduling the Division III, Hamstead State Hellots, all hell is gonna break loose. 10

Rallying Cry: Just watch the movie 300. That's all you have to do coach. Just pop in the DVD, and let the wins roll in. 10

Fun for Kids: You're kids will learn an early lesson in homosexuality when the historically acurate Sparty "befirends" your son in a dark hallway. 3

Total MQ: 41