5 Products More Controversial Than Michael Vick Doggie Jerseys

Recently, the Philadelphia Eagles started selling Michael Vick #7 Jerseys for the dogs of Eagles fans. The outrage I feel over this product being put on the market is overwhelming right now. How can I let the Eagles organization beat me to one of the greatest joke products of all time? Surely there will never be a sleazier display of capitalism than this, right? I mean its the dog equivalent of "I Heart Ted Bundy" T-shirts.

The jealous rage I have towards the geniuses that make up the Eagle's marketing department is voracious. I mean, I haven't even written anything for this site in over a year, but I'm coming out of retirement just to bring you five items even better than Doggie Hate Shirts. Available for a limited time only in the Wet Hot American Shop, here are "The Top 5 Products More Controversial Than Michael Vick Doggie Jerseys"

#5. John Calipari's Final Four Tickets

Price: $200 a piece (Note: Subject to Forfeit by NCAA)

Quantity Available: 2 (For Now)

Details: Priced to move, a deal too good to be true. All we need is your SAT scores and a few thousand dollars under the table, and these babies are yours. Order now and you can pre-order University of Kentucky tickets, when available. If you choose to leave the tickets behind, extra baggage is included, but no fines or penalties.

#4. Ricky Williams Signature Glassware

Price: $50 with purchase of eighth of an ounce of "tobacco."

Quantity Available: 420

Details: Hand blown glass by Ricky Williams during his stay at a holistic medicine center. Each smoking device shows off a different phase of Ricky William's life through colorful decals. Wether it's a "Dorm Days at The University of Texas" glass spoon, or a "Ricky in the Canadian Football League" 4 foot bong, RW Designs has the pipe for you. Note: Some pipes may be slightly used.

#3. Sean Avery's Sloppy Seconds Sloppy Joe Mix

Price: $3.25 a can. Just add meat....and a base salary of at least $10 million, to even have a chance with one of these two girls.

Quantity Available: At least 2. Probably a whole lot more, but we just can't get past the first two.

Details: Make tonight a Manwich night as you spoon out either the Original "Hungry Hunter," or go for the spicier "Cajun Cuthbert" style. You really can't go wrong because either selection is filled with Sean Avery's special sauce.

#2. Plaxico Burress Sweatpants

Price: $37 (Warning: Gun may be loaded, and the safety might possibly be off, but I'm sure its safe. Yeah it's safe..... Probably.)

Quantity Available: 17 (Also available in Big Blue)

Details: Arrive at the club in style, with these 50/50 poly-cotton blend sweats. The built in gun holster allows the wearer ready access to his nine, while allowing his junk to flow freely. Optional inside the pants holster available for those that want to look hard on the outside but feel the soft leather on the inside. Warning: Wet Hot American Sports is not responsible for any lawsuits that may result from wearing Plaxico Burress sweatpants while receiving a lap dance.

#1. Rick Pitino's Morning After Pills

Price: $45 with doctor's prescription and guilty conscious.

Quantity Available: It only takes 1 to scramble the brain of an unborn child..... or to just get over that really bad "hangover." Whatever you're telling yourself.

Details: 98% effective. In case of twins take two. In case of conjoined twins, take two stuck together. Caution: May be subject to excommunication from Catholic church.