Clearing the Smog, Vol. III: Getting to Know the U.S. Olympic Shooters

From now until the closing ceremonies WHAS will be highlighting various U.S. Olympic athletes in all their unabashed glory. This way when watching Taekwondo events with your blow-up doll girlfriend you'll impressively be able to point out that Americans Mark, Diana, and Steven Lopez are the first trio of siblings to compete together in the same sport and on the same Olympic team since 1904. Look for knowledge like that to pump some more air into that fulfilling relationship. So without further ado I present to you:

The U.S. Olympic Shooters

That's right, there's a sport called shooting. Not archery; shooting. Tune in for events featuring rifles, pistols, and shotguns. Guess which nation leads the all-time Olympic medal count in this sport? USA! USA! We have the benefit of quite a prestigious farm system including school shooters, bullies, rednecks, gang leaders, and current Vice Presidents.

Lets meet a few of the firearm specialists:

• Matt Emmons - Has already won a gold medal in a past competition but even more impressive is the fact that he pitched a perfect game for his high school baseball team in New Jersey. It should also be noted that Matt's wife says he never has a problem firing his pistol in bed.

• Jeff Holguin - Joined the army in hopes of improving his chances to make the Olympic shooting team. After avoiding death several times Jeff was awarded a spot on the team.

• Emily Caruso - Is not surprisingly a member of the NRA, but what IS surprising is she is a vegetarian, doesn't hunt, and is lactose intolerant. Emily is concerned about her sport and says that the biggest issue is that "people don't realize it's an Olympic sport." Not anymore Emily, not anymore.

NBC has a website, and they discuss all things Olympics. (CONTINUE READING)

Dear Mr. Fantasy,

Welcome to the first ever installment of our Monday feature, "Dear Mr. Fantasy," where I make all your wildest fantasies come true. At least those related to fantasy football. So follow me as we go deep down into the depths of fantasy football lore. So join me as I answer a burning question, confess my itching desire, tell you about an amazing rookie, take a couple three point stances, and give you tips on how to draft in 2008.

The Burning Question: "What do I do about this whole Brett Favre mess?"

The short answer: stay pat for now. We finally know Favre's comeback is official and as of right now, he is still a Packer. Rest assured, if he's back, he's gonna start. Whether it's with Green Bay or Minnesota, he will have a big fantasy impact. But, if you're in a league with an early draft, waiting might not be an option for you. This saga could play out for another week or so, but if your draft is before then, plan your move wisely. 

You could pass on some big name QBs in favor of Favre in a late round, but beware: newsmakers usually get gobbled up quick. Chances are, by now everyone in your league knows about this saga, even if they were locked in a cave all month. So don't be surprised if you're expecting to take a flier on Brett in the fifth or sixth, to see him taken by your little sister in the third or fourth.

My Itching Desire: Getting Brett Favre

I'll talk about this later in more detail, but 2008 is a very questionable season for running backs. There's a handful of reliable guys, some unproven rookies, a lot of studs coming off injuries, and new starters throughout. So taking a RB or two early this year is a no-brainer. Which is why Favre is so intoxicating to me. There's a good chance you can pick him up in a late round, and there's a good chance he'll put up huge numbers like he did last year. You grab two stud RBs early and Brett Favre late, you can start clearing your plate in December, you're probably going to the playoffs. 

But I wouldn't put the kind of faith in Favre I would in guys like Brees, Brady , and Manning. Draft a reliable backup or you might pay the price. With the Madden curse, rust, and the still uncertainty of either a new team or Rodgers winning the job, Favre is a more risky proposition than other stud QBS. So if you get him, make sure you have a Schaub or a Cutler waiting in the wings.

Thus concludes the obligatory Brett Favre portion of this column, we now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Rookie to Watch: Matt Forte of the Chicago Bears

The Chicago Bears will run the football. Repeat those words to yourself, take deep breaths, throw a dart at your Cedric Benson effigy head, and pick up Forte. I won't lie, Benson killed me last year in a few leagues. A first round pickup, he was the death of many fantasy teams in 2007, and I understand the wound is still fresh. But Forte is no Benson. The Green Waver of Tulane rushed for over 2,000 yards last season, averaging over 177 yards a game. In a span of three games last year, he had 820 yards. Yes, while Conference USA and the NFL are apples and oranges, if he even puts up half those numbers he's worth the value at where he's projected to get drafted. 

This is a guy you can easily get in the third, fourth, maybe fifth round. Remember, every year at least one rookie running back has a breakout year. While most predict Darren McFadden is the guy, I think he is overvalued where he is being drafted. Because of playing at Tulane, nobody knows who Forte is, so he's going to be a steal. But in case you just miss out on picking him up, take the chance to look at Chris Johnson for the Tennessee Titans. Another C-USA guy, Johnson is a speedster who is gonna get a lot of playing time in run-first Nashville.

Three-Point Stance: RB's Who Suck

Willie Parker. Injury, Roethlisbeger, Mendenhall. These three words define why I don't like Parker at all this year. Parker's coming off a fractured fibula, not a good injury for a halfback. But even without it, he played 15 games last year, where he racked up a whopping two TD's all year. New coach Mike Tomlin has installed a pass first mentality in Pittsburgh with Big Ben pulling the strings. And even if they did reverse the trend and run more, the big bruiser out of Illionois, Rashard Mendenhall is going to see the bulk of the goal-line action.

Julius Jones. Free from the constraints of Marion Barber, Jones is set to fulfill the legacy of Shaun Alexander in Seattle. and by that I mean suck. In the Parker club of multiple TD's (2), Jones only rushed for 588 yards. But that was because the Cowboys were holding him back right? While Jones will see more action in Seattle, Maurice Morris is going to be sharing the load as co-starter.

Marion Barber. People are in love with this guy in 2008 and he's being taken extremely high on draft boards. I can't argue the numbers (12 TDS, over 1,000 total yards), but just name me one RB who did better when given the full-time position after being in a committee situation.

 

Three Point Stance: RB's Who Don't

Joseph Addai. My choice for number two pick behind LT. Manning's receiving corp is thinning while his O-line is getting better. His sophomore slump last year saw him hitting 15 TDs, and over 1,300 total yards. Look for him to bust out of a rut for a huge third year.

Ronnie Brown. The Dolphins suck. Ronnie Brown does not. While at first one can point to either the ACL injury or the departure of Cam Cameron as signs not to take him, I think the reward greatly outweighs the risk. Brown is looking great so far and the Dolphins can't throw the ball to save their life. With the addition of Jake Long, Anthony Fasano, and head coach Tony Sparano, all signs point to a 75/25 running to passing ratio. The only downside, Ricky Williams also is looking really good, and could see a lot of carries.

Larry Johnson. Anyone who saw HBO's "Hard Knocks" last year knew Johnson was going to suck in 2007. Just the way he was carrying himself reeked of overconfidence and a fat paycheck. But this year I think he has something to prove. Staying healthy would help, but so would one quarterback. I think the constant flip-flopping last year hurt LJ bad. Crappy or not, sticking with Brodie Croyle all season will help his numbers tremendously. Plus, Croyle's wife is smoking hot.

Draft Tips to Swear By: Take a Running Back Dammit!

While this advice gets pounded into the brains of young fantasy footballers at a tender age, I can't repeat it enough and this year holds especially true. Outside of the top four: LT, Addai, AP, and Brian Westbrook, there are only a handful of reliable running backs. It's almost impossible to win without at least one stud running back, so hedge your bets. The strategy that seems to work the best for me is a three-pronged attack. 

First, take Mr. Reliable. If you can't get one of the top four guys I suggest guys like Marshawn Lynch, Frank Gore, or Willis McGahee.

Second, pick a guy with a lot of upside. Examples include anyone coming off injury: Brown, LJ, or Steven Jackson, or anyone who had an off-year last year: MJD, Reggie Bush, or Thomas Jones. 

Third, take a rookie. As mentioned before, at least one rookie always has a huge year, and this year I think there could be three or four. There's the aforementioned McFadden, Forte, Mendenhall, and Johnson, but other guys to watch include Felix Jones in Dallas and Jonathon Stewart in Carolina.

 

Well this concludes the first ever Dear Mr. Fantasy. I hope these tips serve you well in the upcoming fantasy season, but really the best way to get a leg up this year is through mock drafts. They're free over at ESPN.com and are a great tool to preparing for where guys are going in this years draft. Next week I'm going to do a mock draft right before I write my column and will then analyze the first few rounds, telling you why I picked who I did. Until then, I'm Mr. Fantasy playing you a tune. (CONTINUE READING)

Yankee Mustache Retires, Moved to Front Office Role

The hard-hitting mustache that resided on Yankee 1st baseman Jason Giambi's face has announced his retirement from the game. He had spent almost three months with the team and helped Giambi break out of a frustrating hitting slump, although the mustache's overall batting average was just .182 and Giambi now says it's just the right time for the mustache to leave the game.

"There's no more hits in it," Giambi said as he boarded the team bus for the team's flight to Dallas. "No more hits."

Yankee fans had joyously supported the 'stache and often brought their own fake mustaches to home games. It had become a cultural symbol in the Bronx and almost helped Giambi win a spot on this year's all star team.

The Yankees handed out 20,000 fake mustaches to fans attending the Yankees-Rays game on July 9 in an attempt to get him the final spot on the team. But he didn't win the Internet voting by the fans, and now Giambi will try to regain his hitting touch as a clean-shaven guy.

It doesn't appear that the mustache's playing career was quite long enough to be considered for induction into Cooperstown, although mustache aficianados such as Burt Reynolds have already talked of starting a petition.

For more on the magical mustache, New York Newsday has you covered.
(CONTINUE READING)

ESPN Achieves Rare Moment of Creativity

If you're a semi regular viewer of ESPN you may have noticed this guy, Steve, appearing lately in live commercials promoting an upcoming change in the worldwide leader's programming. Starting August 12th the morning additions of SportsCenter will no longer be repeated hour after hour and will instead be aired live until 3:00 in the afternoon.

Clearly ESPN producers don't understand the honor that men everywhere have when they realize they've sat through two hour-long (and identical) episodes of SportsCenter. It's a sort of rite of passage and clear catalyst to a fight with your mom about how you "promise to start looking for a job tomorrow."


The story here, though, is the surprising success and creativity that ESPN is enjoying in this campaign. You see, camera crews follow this guy Steve, a young production coordinator from Pittsburgh, around all day as he works in Bristol, goes to the gym, or enjoys a game of bowling with his girlfriend. There are about 10-15 thirty second commercials each day and they're completely live. It's a fairly impressive undertaking and Steve is actually marginally entertaining.

Although I may just be a giant television production nerd. That's a very respectable conclusion to draw.

The realization I've come to is that ESPN's original ideas are only interesting when related to advertising. Their commercials have always been hands down some of the best comedic spots. As my fellow editor Jason has previously pointed out, ESPN loves to try idiotic segments such as "Who's Now?", "Title Town," and "50 States in 50 Days."

I say try this ESPN: Show me highlights, then run several hilarious ESPN commercials, then show me more highlights.

Feel free to slim down by removing such unfortunate things like: Stuart Scott, Stephen A. Smith, the Budweiser Hot Seat, the Coors Light 6 pack of Questions, most of your analysis, Stephen A. Smith, Arena Football highlights, Arena Football analysis, Arena Football.

Check out the new Steve ad campaign at "Steve is Live.com" (CONTINUE READING)

NFL (Pre) Season Underway: Redskins Own Best Record in Football

Your up-to-the-minute Wet Hot American Sports NFL report: The 2008 (pre) season is finally underway after the annual Hall of Fame game in Canton, Ohio Sunday night. The Redskins and Colts battled in an important (meaningless) contest which ended with Washington earning a decisive 30-16 victory.

The win helps Washington remain undefeated and gives them the best record in the NFL. Their win percentage is an impressive 1.000 and they're currently averaging an NFL-best 30 points per game. The Colts suffered a devastating blow with the loss and are still searching for their first win of the year.


Other News and Notes from the game: Washington proved to be such a formidable and feared opponent that Indianapolis Quarterback Peyton Manning declined even to make the flight to Canton. New Redskins Head Coach Jim Zorn will go down in the history books as enjoying an undefeated career coaching record. All other NFL teams were idle this week. Former Hawaii standout Colt Brennan threw 2 TD's and looked impressive (against a 4th string defense) in the win.

CORRECTION: Brett Favre was not mentioned in this story. The editors apologize for this unfortunate oversight. (CONTINUE READING)

Numbers Speak Louder Than Words

8 years. That's how long former wide receiver Art Monk had to wait before being elected to the NFL Hall of Fame Saturday in Canton. The quiet possession receiver spent all but two of his sixteen years in Washington earning three Super Bowl titles for the Redskins.

The uninformed observer would have to conclude that if seven ballots had passed Monk by it must have been due to a sub-par career. Since Monk was never much for speaking his mind, allow his career numbers to do the talking:

• 940 catches
• 12,721 yds
• 13.5 avg per catch
• 68 TD (7 Super Bowl TD's)
• 3 Pro Bowls. 3 Super Bowls.

Wait a tick, those numbers sound pretty good! So good in fact that Monk has more receiving yards than nine other hall of fame wide outs, and more than double the number of receptions than several others. At one time he held NFL records for most receptions in a single season and most consecutive games with a catch (183). And by the way, the teams he played on were, for the most part, run-oriented offenses that required more downfield blocking than slick pass patterns.

Bypassing Mr. Monk for the Hall is the sort of injustice seen only a few times in our history: the civil rights movement, woman's suffrage, and the absence of Nickelback in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Regardless, he's finally in. When he was introduced, the mostly partisan Redskins crowd honored Art with a four minute-plus standing ovation. Third string SportsCenter anchor Dari Nowkhah began his Art Monk story with this gem of an intro: "Madonna and Justin Timberlake only had 4 minutes to save the world, Art Monk had 4 minutes of cheering." Solid writing!

But after patiently and quietly waiting eight years to join the elite club I'm sure he didn't mind another four minutes of applause from burgundy and gold-clad fans. (CONTINUE READING)

Packers to Open QB Competition. Vegas Odds: Brian Brohm a 5000:1 Underdog

Well if Wendi Nix's ESPN report turns out to be true it looks like the Brett Favre saga just took a turn for the better. For me. For everyone in the Packers organization? Not so much. Nix has sources confirm that after his reinstatement, Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers will compete in training camp for the starting job.

As a response to the report, ESPN's Kevin Seifert penned this article. In it he asks the question, "will this be a fair competition for Favre?" Seifert makes his point by concluding that it'll be impossible for head coach Mike McCarthy to do a 180 on the stance he's made all off-season, "We're moving forward, Aaron Rodgers is our quarterback." But isn't doing a 180 embedded into any coach's DNA?

No other job in the world features more U-turns than coaching. Whether it's Bill Belicheck's injury reports, Nick Saban's unexpected vanishing act, or any statement made about trade rumors, coaches are notorious flip-floppers. So I agree with Seifert that the competition will be unfair; for Rodgers.

If it wasn't for his false retirement this wouldn't even be a question. Favre is the starter, and Rodgers sits on the pine. Last year, greybeard had one of his best years ever. He threw 28 TDs for over 4,000 yards, with a completion percentage of 66.5%, his best ever. He's not injured and he isn't in some sort of contract year. There's no reason to think he wouldn't come out and put up the same numbers. So how does Rodgers even have a shot at the starters job?

The Packers, if the reports are accurate, feel they have no other choice but to let Favre play for them. Favre, from day one, knew he wanted to play, and wasn't going anywhere but the Packers or the Vikings. Seeing as the latter is not even remotely an option, the Packers had to let him come back. And even though they say it's a competition, the option of having Favre, in his prime at the young age of 38, be a backup; is just as scary as him playing for the Vikings.

Rodgers wouldn't stand a chance. Anything short of Tom Brady in Cheeseland and he immediately will feel number four towering over him. With every interception and every errant pass, more and more Packers fans will stop watching the field, and start watching the sidelines. Seeing as he's never started a game in the NFL, I'd say chances are very good he has a rocky season. Adequate is a possibility, good is a stretch, and great is improbable. Even if Rodgers is the next Steve Young, even Young didn't win a QB competition with Joe Montana. (CONTINUE READING)

Clearing the Smog, Vol. II: Getting to know the U.S. Olympic Trampoliners

From now until the closing ceremonies WHAS will be highlighting various U.S. Olympic athletes in all their unabashed glory. This way when watching the exciting kayaking finals in your mom's basement, you'll be able to tell your D&D buddies, "Hey did you know Scott Parsons loves The Simpsons?" That ought to add a few points to your night elf's intelligence level. So without further ado I present to you: 

The U.S. Olympic Trampoliners

The Members: (Left to Right and Upside Down) Erin Blanchard and Chris Estrada

• 2008 marks the first time that the United States will enter a man and a woman into the competition. The U.S. has never won a medal in any event, which is sad since an American, George Nissen, is credited with inventing the first modern trampoline. Rest easy LeBron, basketball isn't the only sport we invented and can't win.

• Chris Estrada was a shy six-year-old growing up in Lousiana. While this isn't groundbreaking news, it did prompt his mom into signing him up for tumbling. Which according to the article was, "the only thing to do in his small town." The mental picture of flocks of cajun children rolling around in the streets will forever make me laugh.

• Erin Blanchard pulled a Brett Favre. The '06 U.S. Champion, Blanchard decided to finally put an end to her long and fruitful career at the age of 18. But the sweet smog of Beijing lured her out of the Sunshine State Elderly Care Center and into the gym, when the U.S. was awarded a wildcard spot in the women's trampoline event.

• In what must be a fun coffee time topic between the two, Chris Estrada also briefly walked away from the sport in 2001. The reason? A mental block that prevented him from twisting on forward flipping skills. I feel you Chris, can't tell you how many times that's happened to me.

• The final act in any routine is the out-bounce. This is accomplished with a straight jump at 3/4 height. When Chris Estrada sticks the landing, you'll be able to comment on the technical superiority of his out-bounce, while everyone else is trying to figure out if he's related to the guy from "CHiPs."

• Erin Blanchard made the team by beating her neighbor. Alaina Herbert, who finished second to Erin in the U.S. Olympic trials, grew up a few miles away from Blanchard in the aforementioned hotbed of tumbling, Lousiana. Allegedly, this isn't the first time she beat out a neighbor for trampoline glory. Growing up in Lousiana, where tumbling reigns supreme, she beat out local bully Trina Trumbad for neighborhood bragging rights. WHAS has obtained a picture of Trina in training for the historical event:
  
   You like Olympics? NBC.com has you covered.
  

(CONTINUE READING)

The End of Week 1 and Parcells Still Hasn't Cut Us!

Yay to us. We've made it through the inaugural week of the Wet, Hot, American Sports experiment. The results so far? Pretty much as expected. We gave you tons of nuggets o' information coupled with comedy stylings and then trickled off at the end of the week when we got too drunk to write posts. 

I managed to stumble out a few hang-over posts below, to round out the week, but Phil is still passed-out in the corner spooning my dog, Mr. Pickles. But rest assured, I poked him with a stick an hour earlier and he managed to mumble something about truckloads of posts on the weekend.

The weekly lineup and Phil's growing problem after the  jump.

Next week we'll debut our weekly lineup, a hodgepodge of sports knowledge and fun that starts on Monday with Dear Mr. Fantasy, where I will fulfill all your fantasy football desires. On Tuesday I return with the Tuesday Ten, a sure to be controversial list of ten sports related whatever I feel likes. 

On Wednesday, Phil awakens from his Hypnotiq hangover and brings you The Stat Machine, a collection of weird and wonderful sports statistics. If he hasn't clogged up his keyboard with vomit, he'll be writing a Letter to the Fans on Thursday, a celebration of all things in the world of fandom. 

After he has fully recovered from alcoholism, Phil will be doing it all over again on Friday, but this time for the sake of blogging science. We'll be reading your mail and answering your questions. Probably while taking keg stands in the bathroom. As long as I hold his legs, Phil can still type with his hands that way. 

The topical posts that you have seen this first week will continue, but just with the added support of the Weekly Lineup. I hope everyone enjoyed the first week, but expect the second one to be even better! Now if you'll excuse me I have to feed Mr. Pickles. I take it as a sign of hunger when he's licked all the hair off Phil's nipples. 

(CONTINUE READING)

Lebrons's Love of Baklava Might Change Landscape of NBA

So I don't usually like to toot on my horn, but toot toot baby. So far this week I've mailed in Brett Favre's reinstatement letter for him hours before his actual fax, pointed out Michelle Wie's mental game weaknesses before a late collapse does her in this week, and now we get this story by Ian Thomsen of CNNSI: "Greek Team may take run at LeBron in 2010."

I will admit though, when I penned this little gem, I never believed that Europe was even close to making a run at an NBA starter, let alone the biggest star in the league. I was merely offering advice to David Stern, to sit back, take a look at what's going on, and try to come up with a long term solution. But if this rumor has any wings, Stern better kick it up a notch and start inciting fascist coups in opposing countries. While of course that's a ridiculous notion, the prospect of losing King James to a country with an actual monarchy has to be widening the skidmarks on Stern's already soiled britches.  

Something like this happening has always been quickly dismissed because the revenue gap between European teams and NBA teams is like the gap between Wal-Mart and K-Mart. No fiscal jockey could ever approve of the spending it would take to lure James. But as pointed out during the Josh Childress move, the owners of teams like Olympiakos, who bought Childress and are luring Lebron, couldn't care less about the bottom dollar. They're out to spend their money like it's Diddy's birthday. 

So what would happen if Olympiakos, just for the thrill of it, threw a huge amount of money in Lebron's face just to see what would happen? Because if there's one thing rich people like to do with their money, it's upstage other rich people. 

Would anyone call the Greek's bluff? I know the Cavs wouldn't. They're already in trouble of losing him because they won't shell out the dough to get him a high caliber wingman. (The Pippen to his Jordan, if you like.) So who then? Don't even look in the direction of the other small market teams, they barely stay afloat as it is. But what about the big market teams? Chicago's already cash-strapped, Miami will be by the time 2010 rolls around, D.C. just threw the vault at gimpy Gilbert, Boston's overloaded, and LA can't possibly afford Bryant, Gasol, and James. 

So that leaves us with New York. But the Knicks just finished a horrible run on the Isaiah train. As much as Bron Bron would energize a starving fanbase, I just don't think James Dolan's accountants would let him get  anywhere near that deal right now.  Which is why the logical choice is the soon to be Brooklyn Nets. Not that they could fiscally justify it, but because it's a matter of pride. For the sake of the reputation of his country the almighty Jiggaman will save the NBA. 

Jay-Z, inspired by a zeal to kick some Greek ass, will pen "The Lebron Chronicles," the greatest rap LP ever conceived. After this all other rappers will stop honing their craft any further as they have nowhere to go but down, and Jay-Z will virtually force everyone in the country to buy the historical album. He will then deliver a giant Cristal bottle filled with ten thousand dollar bills to Lebron's home in Cleveland, with a note that says "See you in the Bronx.  -Jigga" Yeah that's pretty much how it's gonna go down. While all of this might sound ridiculous and contrived, I was right about three other things this week, so you never know, right?

Ian Thomsen's little gem. 

  

(CONTINUE READING)

Wieminiscent

As was fully expected, teen chokesation Michelle Wie had a late collapse Friday at the Reno-Tahoe Open to miss the cut by about ten strokes. On Thursday, she shot a one over 73, within ones stroke of the projected cut of even par. She looked like the Wie of old, when she was in her prime at the tender age of 12.

But then the Wie that we've all come to know and love showed up. Promising through the front nine, a quintuple bogey  9 on the eighth hole sent her spiraling to a score of 80. SIDE NOTE: If shooting an 8 on a hole is called a snowman, what's a 9? A paraplegic snowman?

Her showing in the Reno Tahoe Open is classic Michelle Wie. Not because she failed to make the cut again, but because you could see the physical tools on display, while the mental ones get left in the clubhouse. As I said earlier this week, Wie's decision to hop around tours and play with competitors she isn't on par with is seriously hurting her mental game. Even in a weak field by PGA standards, she was seriously out of her league. Parker McLachlin, who sounds like he should be both partners at a law-firm, shot a course record tying 62 to take a 14 under clubhouse lead into the weekend.

This brings up a point of contention that until I now, never really occurred to me. What if she does make the cut at the Reno-Tahoe Open? Obviously not this years of course, but what about the '09 version? Or the Lincoln Financial FDR Open, or the Bob Jones Jimmy Dean Sausage Links Invitational or any other less-than tournament? Would it be an asterisk worthy accomplishment? Does barely beating Jason Dufner(a real player, I swear) truly put her in line with Babe Z. SIDE NOTE 2: Why hasn't Jimmy Dean Sausage Links actually sponsored a tournament, it seems like this would be a natural fit.

Right now, we're all too distracted watching the circus that is the Michelle Wie choke machine to seriously ask this question. But as long as the circus keeps on getting better, people are still going to buy tickets, so expect the sponsor exemptions to keep coming in, where the merit of this debate will continue to grow.

(CONTINUE READING)

Steve Smith Stiff-Arms Starter's Seeing Socket. (With his fist)

Well the wide receiver battle in Carolina just got a little more interesting. According to a report by ESPN, star WR Steve Smith has been sent home from training camp for clocking cornerback Ken Lucas in the eyeball. Dustups like this are a fairly regular occurrence during training camp, because tensions are tight with guys trying to earn a paycheck in the fall, and others battling for position. This however was something completely different.

The incident occurred on the sidelines while both Smith and Lucas were sitting out a special teams drill. From all reports it seems it was the boiling over of already bad blood between the two starters. Smith, a bit of a hothead, has jawed with Lucas since he arrived in Charlotte in 2002. But the cause of the fight, whether it was over a dirty play, or who ate the last pint of Bojangles dirty rice, isn't what matters. 

The consequences here could be detrimental to a team who needs every win they can get in order to make the playoffs. Under CBA rules, Smith could be out four games for conduct detrimental to the team. With already lingering questions under center with Delhomme's rehab and two very young running backs taking the handoffs from him, the Panthers need Smith starting come game one. A receiving corp with Moose Muhammed and D.J. Hackett alone is an average group, but with Smith in the mix, they are one of the best. 

The worldwide leader has more.

(CONTINUE READING)

Breaking News: Ron Artest Is Still Ghetto

Well Houston, it looks like you have a problem. When asked about his team's trade for Ron Artest, Chinese Skyscraper Yao Ming said, "Hopefully he isn't fighting anymore and going after a guy in the stands." I think this is a fair concern. Whether it's a just a little joke, which is what I guess it is, or a serious assertion, Ming has a point.

But Artest isn't joking. He thinks Yao simply bought into all the "the propaganda" about him. When asked to explain, the punching Pacer had this to say, 

"I understand what Yao said but I'm still ghetto. That's not going to change. I'm never going to change my culture. I don't think he's ever played with a black player that really represents his culture as much as I represent my culture."

You have got to be kidding me. Look I'm not black, and I don't claim to be a great socio-political pundit but I think I'm safe when I say Ron Artest will not be called to have dinner with Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson anytime soon to discuss the state of the black community. He later goes on to say that after the brawl he "never changed" and was just defending his culture.

But nobody is trying to make you be somebody else Ron, they just want you to act with a little more grace considering the position you're in. Athletes and celebrities are paid ungodly amounts of money on one condition; keep up a good public image. Anything else, and the American people will take all that away from you. Just ask Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, who are finding work difficult to come by these days. But besides that, I don't care what your race, culture, or creed is, inciting riots and generally acting like a self-absorbed asshole is a representation of no one other than yourself.

Story courtesy of ESPN.com  

(CONTINUE READING)

Manny to L.A., Boston says "Yay"

Surprise! Manny didn't get traded to the Marlins, but he was dealt, and just minutes before the deadline today. A three team trade was in the works to send Jason Bay to Boston from Pittsburgh, and Manny to the Marlins. The Pirates blame the Marlins for failing to get the deal done, the Marlins blame Boston.

The Dodgers jumped into the mix and threw together a deal just in time. So Manny will wear blue and move to the National League and Boston is relieved of an awkward situation in which Ramirez was publicly frustrated.

Jason Bay hitting 3rd in Boston's lineup with David Ortiz behind...not a pretty site to opposing pitchers. Manny was obviously a stellar player but "personality differences" led Boston to desperately ship him out to the west coast. Bay is an all-star caliber player who is suddenly thrust into a major playoff contender. Look for him to have a stellar remainder of the year.

What will be of Boston without Manny? I personally like that crazy son of a bitch. He's hilarious and he always has fun playing the game. On the other hand, he's insane and frustrates the crap out of you if you're his coach. Not a great attribute. Either way, Boston will suffer for losing him. He's one of the greatest hitters EVER. A playoff spot this year may be missed for Boston as a result of purging Manny.

Ken Griffey Jr. moves again, this time to the White Sox. You partially want to root on Chicago to get Griffey into the Series, but then you remember it's the White Sox. Break a leg Kenny! Oh wait...don't do that again. (CONTINUE READING)

Maddening Nation

Tired of Brett Favre yet? Well let me squeeze in one more #4 fun fact. A report by The Sporting News showed that in a Madden '09 simulation Aaron Rodgers out performed Favre. With Favre the Packers were 9-7, with Rodgers 12-4, Favre has a completion percentage of who the hell cares? Does anyone put any validity whatsoever into a video game simulation? 

If I was at a sports bar arguing the Favre problem with a buddy and he brought up, "Well Favre only had a 9-7 record in the Madden simulation," I would strike him with my pimping cane. I carry one for just such an occasion.

But in all seriousness, I have never seen anyone read the results of these tests with any more of a reaction than "Oh, that's cool I guess." More and more, be it the NCAA tournament, the NFL playoffs, or a NASCAR race, these video game simulations are being used by Half-time show hacks and ESPN robots. Even when the smoothest of commentators are asked to use them, they often are tripped up as to what to say afterwards. Take this fake conversation between Billy Packer and Jim Nantz for example,

JIM:  "Wow, Bethune-Cookman really gave a beating to Duke in the NCAA Basketball '09 simulation. What do you think about that Billy?" 

BILLY: "You know what? Just go ahead and fire me, I don't need this crap." 

I suppose it's only a matter of time before we just give in to the EA Sports Illuminati, shove the athletes to the side, and just have Sirus the Virus and Marc Dog from "Madden Nation," determine the Super Bowl. In fact, as I'm typing this, Vegas has already posted Sirus the Virus as the favorite with 5:2 odds. 

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Move Over Al, There's a New Sheriff of Crazytown

So, for quite sometime now, Al Davis has been the unchallenged King of eccentric NFL owners. Sure Dan Snyder spends way too much money, and Jerry Jones is kinda pompous, but neither come close to the jogging suit juggernaut. With his meddling ways, his living in the past management styles, and his current cold war against coach Lane Kiffin, Davis reigns supreme. But maybe not for long.

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The Palm Beach Post reports that conservative talk-show host, Rush Limbaugh, is interested in buying the St. Louis Rams if they come up for sale; which is a real possibility. The pill popping pontificator did tell KMOX radio in St. Louis that NFL ownership is a "billionaires club" and that he isn't quite in that range. But I think all it would take to push him over the edge is a couple pleas to loyal listeners to buy more of those hot dogs he loves so much.  

More to read at The Palm Beach Post

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Penn State: Linebacker U or Lineup U?

This news is slightly old, but shocking nonetheless. In an "Outside the Lines" report on Sunday, ESPN put a spanking to Joe Pa and the Nittany Lions. The show reported that since '02 Penn State football players have been charged with 163 criminal complaints among 46 players. Among those complaints, 45 were guilty pleas. The most shocking statistic; it's getting worse.

In '07, 17 players were charged with 72 crimes. For the non-mensan among us, that's over four crimes each. There are chapters of the Crips and Bloods who don't have crime rates that high. When there's problems like this, the fingers start pointing, and most of them are poking Paterno right in the gut. Asked about an intercepted text message containing an order from him, to disrupt the university's judicial affairs department's business, Paterno said he doesn't know how to text, and "I don't even own a computer."

I don't dispute that Paterno is technologically challenged, he gave the same answer not too long ago in regards to new recruiting processes. But I do think the man is perfectly capable of giving an order to an athletics department intern who knows how to spell his name. Joe Paterno is one of the greatest college football coaches ever, and an icon in the sport, but recently a lack of production on the field has the fanbase pushing him out the door. But it looks like his lack of production off the field is what will finally slam it shut.

More words at the Pittsburgh-Post Gazette

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AskMen, Get Dumb Answer

Everybody loves a top ten list! I should know, starting next Tuesday (warning shameless plug coming) I'll be writing the first edition of our Tuesday Ten list. I can only hope my list is a little better than Malcolm McMillan's. 

The writer for AskMen.com put together a top ten list of the "Ten Losingest Sports Cities." Which is a dumb list to begin with. For one, "losingest" isn't even a real world. Secondly, why put a list together just to rub salt in an open wound? But, like my grandma always said, "if you're going to poke someone, do it in the eye." So at least get the stupid thing right.

Looking at the bottom of the list it seems the Buffalo Bills can't catch a break today. How can a team that did what no other team in the history of any sport could, lose four championship games in a row, only be number ten? At least give the great fans of Buffalo some sort of accomplishment. But then again, if a city is really that bad, does not even putting it on a loser list justify the loser tag even more? 

Moving up to number eight, he has Raleigh/Durh.....Raleigh/Charlotte? I've seen my beloved hometown paired with any number of cities; Durham, Chapel Hill, Cary, but this is a first. Raleigh and Charlotte are over three hours driving distance apart. It's like lumping together Orlando and Miami. Although I'm kinda hungry right now and Oriami sounds like an Asian dish I have to eat sometime.

Then at seven, we have the woeful Indianapolis Colts. Who haven't won a championship in almost two whole years. I don't care what you did in the past, getting over the hump and winning it all grants a city at least a five year window of immunity. The Boston Red Sox didn't win for nearly a century, but I don't see anyone lining up to call them losers now. Not to mention that Indy only has two pro teams, and Philadelphia, with four loser franchises didn't even make the cut.  

The Sonic-less Seattelites can rest easy because their team didn't even make it to the top three despite no championships between three teams, and two instances of owners bolting the city. (Which should be bonus points towards the total) Sitting pretty at number four, they were bumped in favor of the number two team Nashville/ Memphis. Again with the clumping of cities in the same state. You know what the first thing that comes up when you type "memphis nashville" into Google? You get flights from Memphis to Nashville. That's a heck of a commute. And how do cities that have three past decade expansion teams even come close to making this list?

But the biggest turd in the bowl has to be New Orleans at number one. And what reason does McMillan give for their spot atop the list? The "'Aint's" reputation pre-Brees? The crappy, all be it along time ago, New Orleans Jazz? The evil George Shin led Hornets? Nope, he had this to say,

"When a city's crowning sports moment is winning a regular season football game after Hurricane Katrina, it's not a good sign. Sure that famous moment breathed life into a devastated city, but a championship never has,"

The Saints winning that game was an emotional achievement for the city and the country, but hardly a sports achievement. If you want sports accomplishment since Katrina, how about the Hornets having the best record in the NBA for most of  last season, or the aforementioned Saints team going on to the NFC title game? Blaming the city for overcoming disaster and winning a game in a tattered Super Dome, which seems to be the crux of your argument, is just dirty pool mister. My grandma might have told me to poke them in the eye Malcolm, but you my friend have put on your steel-toed boot and kicked New Orleans square in the nuts. 

The infamous list at AskMen.com

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It's Pat!

You've heard of testing for performance-enhancing drugs, right? Olympic officials have been working for over a year to design a lab equipped to test an athlete's gender. Who knew there were that many dude's trying to compete in women's sports?

"Suspected athletes will be evaluated from their external appearances by experts and undergo blood tests to examine their sex hormones, genes and chromosomes for sex determination," says Professor Tian Qinjie..."The aim is to protect fairness at the games while also protecting the rights of people with abnormal sexual development," he says.

You might be wondering, who will these 'experts' be who will evaluate the suspected athletes' external appearances? Why none other than TV's David Hasselhoff of course. He'll be responsible for inspecting each woman's genitals and trying to seduce them. If the athlete becomes smitten they are cleared of any wrongdoing, because as you know, no woman can resist the Hoff.

The United Kingdom's "Guardian" has more. (CONTINUE READING)

Just a Little Bit of History Repeating

Every year it happens. Some perennial loser will get themselves all pumped during two-a-days, when all the players are sitting around the training camp-fire, holding hands and singing kumabaya. "We really like the way our young quarterback is progressing," they proclaim. "The offensive line is really starting to gel," they tell us. But best of all, just like Bills wide receiver Lee Evans did, they will exclaim "We feel like even though we have a young team, we have guys who have been out there and played, and gotten a lot of experience." Excuse me?

This is not a knock on Evans, I mean he was just reciting the memo. You know the one that every non-playoff team receives at the start of the year. "We're young, but hey we played last year right?" Just like choir-boy Kitna did last year when he proclaimed the Lions would win 10 games. Oh sure, it started off smooth. A 6-2 record heading into November and looked like Samson and the Lions would walk into the playoffs.

But then it him them like it does every year. Wait, what are we doing here? We're the Lions for crying out loud. We couldn't even win with Barry freaking Sanders. But were 6-2 right? We're good , we're good. BAM! they lose 7 of 8 and miss the playoff by a mile.

So here we have the Bills, sitting in the same place as the '07 Lions. But, hey maybe the stars are just aligning this year. Maybe Marshawn Lynch carries over the success of his rookie season behind the line. Maybe Trent Edwards is the future signal caller they've been looking for. Maybe draft pick Leodis McKelvin fills a serious need at cornerback, and the defense "gels." Maybe. They did go to the Super Bowl four times in a row with Kelly, so it's not like there's a precedent for hitting the wall and chok....okay bad example. But who know right? The AFC East is a one team division right now, and the Bills do have a pretty cake out of division schedule. An injury to Brady here, a perfect home record there, and maybe just maybe they sneak into the playoffs. But I wouldn't put my dollars on the Bills just yet.

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