Clearing the Smog, Vol. IV: Getting to Know the Ten Sexiest Female U.S. Olympians

With the Olympics just one day away from beginning, it's time for yet another episode of Clearing the Smog: Getting to know your U.S. Olympians. With our helpful tidbits of information you'll be the envy of Sigma Delta Rho when watching the Archery finals. Why? Because you'll know that Butch Johnson is a five time Olympian and not just a great porn title. So I now present you with:

The Ten Sexiest Female U.S. Olympic Athletes

(Click any picture for a full sexy res version)

10. Dara Torres 

Occupying the obligatory MILF slot, Torres still smokes through the swimming pool at age 41. Competing in her fifth Olympic games, she was the oldest U.S. Olympian in 2000, but surprisingly isn't in 2008. 58 year old air pistol shooter, Libby Callahan, beat her out this time. Sorry Libby there's no obligatory GMILF slot on this list.

9. Kerri Walsh

Ready to unseat Torres in a few years, thirty-year-old Walsh has competed in the Olympics in both indoor and beach volleyball. She makes this list for two reasons. One, she fulfills the tall girl requirement, and two, she probably will spend most of the time you see her in a bikini. Plus you could come up with a behind the back hand signal that only you and her would understand. For example a wiggle of the pinky clockwise means, "sex later?"

8. Allyson Felix.

A silver medal winner in Athens, this sprinter turns heads faster than anyone else on this list. Allyson also has that "I might occasionally kick your ass, but that's okay because the sex will be phenomenal," look about her. You know what I mean; the kind where you tell your coworkers that the bruises are from that infernal Bowflex, and they roll their eyes and say, "Sure it was."






7. Alicia Sacramone.

If it wasn't for that whole underage thing, I'd probably put nothing but gymnasts on this list. But Sacramone is twenty, so booya. Alicia is very attractive, with an Italian allure and surprisingly developed "pectorals" for a gymnast. But even if she was beaten with an ugly stick, I'd still probably put her on this list. Any guy who's ever been with a gymnast will know exactly why.


6. Natalie Coughlin. 

A freshman entry into the list, Natalie makes a strong debut at number six. She gets bonus points for being really good as well as smoking hot. She could win a whole slew of swimming medals in Beijing. Sexy, competitive, and you might be able to wear one of her spare medals to feel like a champ in bed. I once wore a gold medal in competitive eating to bed. She was a very large woman. 

5. Hope Solo. 

Just look at the determination in her gorgeous eyes. Hope is a woman who knows what she wants. Notorious for getting kicked off the World Cup team for criticizing her coach, she's the kind of girl you  want as a girlfriend. If you order a pizza and it gets there without the bacon you ordered, she would be the kind to march down to Papa John's house himself and bitch slap him with a slab of bacon, because she knows how much her man loves bacon.

4. Amanda Beard. 

Yet another one of the slightly "mature" women, Beard has been dominating this list for decades. But she loses points this time around for those PETA ads she did. Yes, she did the ads nude, but associating with wacko organizations like PETA is very not sexy. I don't like to be slapped during post-coitus because she just had an orgasm on what she later discovered was a goose down comforter.

3. Jennie Finch. 

Probably the most well know Olympic sexpot on this list, Finch is like the Brett Favre of softball; without the man stubble of course. She's been on "The Apprentice" and was voted ESPN's hottest athlete in 2003. But the best part of her resume is that she occasionally corresponds for ESPN's "This Week in Baseball." Leaving open the fantasy that she might have once grazed her hand across Erin Andrews. Accidentally of course, but awesome none the less.




2. Heather Mitts. 

She's already got a great porn name, so without even looking at her she's worth a mention. Okay, now look at her. Yeah, lived up to the hype didn't it? That's why this superfly soccerite makes it so high on this list. She also, unlike any of the other girls on this list, looks really nice. I mean I like my fair share of crazy, powerful, sadistic girls, but the girl next door is a hell of a lot less stressful.

1. Jenny Adams. 

Please turn your attention to the picture on the left. Jenny is a hurdler. There, now I won't say anything more to ruin your moment gazing upon this fantastic woman.

That not enough for you? Well okay, I'll do some more. This is really boring and dull, but if you must insist, I present: 

The Five Sexiest Female Foreign Olympic Athletes.

5. Susanna Kallur. 

This sexy little Swede was born in the United States to NHL player, Anders Kallur. Sing ABBA tunes with her to celebrate her hurdling victory while you hurdle her into bed. And if you didn't have a reason to watch women's hurdling before, you certainly do now.

4. Alexandra Orlando. 

Another classic porn name, this fiery Latino hails from the sweaty jungles of...Canada? I don't know what the hell that's all about, but I really don't care. I can put up with a couple of Ehs and Aboots for her any day of the week. She is also the only reason to give a crap about rhythmic gymnastics.

3. Christine Arron. 

I'll admit this photo of Christine is pretty airbrushed, as a Google image search of her will produce pictures of a track star that was quite fugly a few years ago. But she looks like freaking J-lo in that picture. Airbrushed or not, she's still pretty damn fly. Plus she's French, and french accents increase sexiness tenfold.

2. Ana Ivanovic. 

An incredibly close second place, Ivanovic is also near the best female tennis player in the world right now. I tell you, when Anna Kornikova hit the scene, I thought she couldn't be topped. But then Maria Sharapova arrived, who has now been replaced by Ana Ivanovic. I love women's tennis.

1. Yelena Isinbayeva. 

If one takes the two pictures at face value alone, you might give Ana the slight edge. But if you take into account that Yelena's picture was taken in the middle of a track meet when she's sweaty, stinky, and not wearing makeup; and Ana's was done in a photo studio, Yelena is definitely the winner. I selected this picture to make that point. Plus there's just something about the way she's gripping that pole. If you want a more refined photo just Google her name and you'll be entertained for hours.

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Can You Digg It?

We are just constantly exploring new, fun, and wonderful things. And no, I'm not talking about Phil's new obsession with collecting Russian nesting dolls, I'm referring to the little yellow box to the right. This is the Digg Button/Counter. If you aren't aware, Digg is a fantastic site where people vote on the best content on the web every day.

So where does this leave you the reader? Hopefully you have come to this site because you enjoy the fantastic sports commentary and hilarious jokes. If so I encourage you to digg this article and any other article that suits your fantasy. This will help get the good word out about our thought provoking entertainment. SIDE NOTE: If you are merely visiting this website on the hope that Phil will finally release the pictures of he and Natalie Portman's baby, you don't have to digg us.

All you have to do to Digg an article is click the digg it button. You will have to sign up for a Digg account, but its super quick and easy. You'll be done quicker than Brett Favre changes his mind. So please help the starving children and promote world peace and Digg our site. So I have to post something after the jump even though I'm done with this thought, because the Chinese IT slaves in the basement say I do. So after the jump, I'll post one of the sought after Elkins/Portman baby pictures.


Sadly, not even the super-hot Natalie Portman could counteract the sheer ugliness of Phil.
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B-R-E-T Bretts! Bretts! Bretts!

Well the soap opera, "Bays of Our Lives" is finally coming to a close, and another twist is a fitting end to the story. As of late Wednesday night, it has become official that Brett Favre will be a New York Jet this fall. Even though it seemed like a long shot at first, the New Jersey Jets put together a compelling case for graybeard to throw bombs in the Meadowlands this year. Stolen from underneath Eric Mangini's Calzone at a Cosa Nostra hangout, I present you:

The Top 5 Reasons Brett Favre Will Love The Jets

5. The Jet's Schedule is Cake.

This season the Jets will play only four games against teams that had winning records last year. The Patriots twice, San Diego, and Tennessee. They play four out of the five worst teams from last year, and the worst team, the Dolphins, twice. The only team in the bottom five they don't play against: The New York Jets.

4. I Heart NY will be replaced by I Heart BF

New York will absolutely fall in love with country boy Brett. The New York media and New York fans have always had a special reverence for good ole boys. Whether it's the clean cut and affable Derek Jeter, or the hard-working David Lee, New Yorkers love blue collar guys. New York is such a melting pot of cultures that nobody cares where you're from, they just want you to be approachable and relate to them.

3. The Reunion with Bubba.

Favre will be arriving at training camp to the large arms and spit stained shirt of his old buddy Bubba Franks. The veteran tight end joined the Jets during the off-season after being realsed by the Packers. Anybody who counted out New York in the Favre-off was forgetting how much of a self-proclaimed country boy Favre is. Combine a friend named Bubba with the backwoods setting of the Jersey suburbs and Favre should feel right at home.

2. The Jets Have a Deceptively Good Team.

The defense was a solid, middle of the road squad last year, statistically. But when you factor in two trips versus the thorn in their side, Patriots offensive juggernaut they rank much higher. With the addition of Buckeye bruiser Vernon Gholston and wiley veteran Kris Jenkins, they should be even better. The offense will be markedly better. The addition of Alan Faneca to the O-line will help Thomas Jones and new backup Jesse Chatman break open the running game. The wide receiver corp is already spectacular. Laverneus Coles and Jerricho Cotchery have always been on the cusp of the Pro Bowl. By replacing Pennington's pea-shooter with Favre's cannon expect them to be a dynamic duo this year.

1. He Can Pull Off the Fur Coat

Move over Broadway Joe, Broadway Brett's moving in. No more suffering through the unbearable Wisconsin winters wearing crappy NFL issued vinyl jackets. After Namath's precedent was set its perfectly acceptable to rock the giant, puffy, fur coat in the Meadowlands. But instead of just paying tribute to the man, I say take it to the next level. Kill a grizzly bear, preferably with your hands, skin it, and wear that as your fur coat on your way to the Super Bowl. Not only will you replace Joe Namath as the number one Jet, you'll replace Chuck Norris as the number one badass.

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Four Square, Vandalism, and Your Daily Dose of Favre

When I was in high school I took a job at the YMCA one summer working at their summer day camp. From day one I fell in love with the job. The kids were fun, my coworkers were great, and I basically got paid to beat little kids in basketball. I am terrible at basketball, but little kids are much worse. I continued to work there for the next five years or so but then things started to turn a little. 

The people in charge were slowly changing the image of the camp, making it more Christian and wholesome, and staffing the camp with super nice people that loved to sing about Jesus. Not that there's anything wrong with all that. I mean I love me some Jesus singing and all but I missed the old days. I missed tethering children to the back of the makeshift golf cart and driving through mud puddles. I missed pointing out the female counselors in training that would be most likely to get us arrested. I missed the irony of showing up to work hung over only to lead devotional with my campers an hour later. Yes those were some good times. 

So anyway, one night while trying to impress a fellow female counselor, I decided to bring back the past a little. I grabbed a can of paint out of the art supply closet and proceeded to vandalize the camp with YMCA friendly graffiti. Unfortunately, I made a small mistake with what I thought was a harmless prank; I involved the female counselor. She was the second person grilled about the incident, I of course the first. Well moments after I had just finished polishing off my watertight alibi and schmoozing the big man, she ratted out both of us. So now we finally get to the part of this story that matters. 

Called back into the office moments after lying my ass off, I had to face the big man again. By the way big man isn't some corny slang I use, my boss was literally a very big man. Normally this kind of thing would have been open and shut. "Hi Jason, you just lied to my face about vandalizing a Christian camp, I think you know where the door is." But, I wasn't just some schmo who was hired off the street. I was a hardy veteran who was fully entrenched in the YMCA system. 

I had won countless awards for leadership and pottery making and all other counselor related superlatives. I even was inducted into a special club for YMCA badasses. That's right, if I hadn't smeared tomorrows arts and crafts project all over the bathroom door, I might be wrangling dodgeballs in a gym in Akron right now. 

But there I was, surprisingly relaxed for a man who knew he was getting the boot. My boss and I casually talked about our mutual love for Wolfpack basketball, and just reminisced about the years past. My proverbial career was flashing before my eyes. We both knew the end result: you're fired, we're moving on. Moral of the story: don't ever commit crimes with women. But the reason this story from the past surfaced today is not because of some female hating agenda, but because of our dear friend Brett Favre. (Woah, did he really just turn a quaint little piece about his youth into yet another Brett Favre story? You bet your ass I did. Suck on that ESPN.)

When I read about the meeting McCarthy had with Favre and the eventual outcome, I was taken back to that wet, hot, American summer, and the meeting with the big man. I imagine the five hour meeting with Mike McCarthy was very much the same. Two men with mutual respect for one another chatting about the good ole days, talking about nothing really, but all the while just wanting to have one last goodbye. 

Both men knew going into this meeting what the result was going to be. I mean do you really think Favre went in there and told his coach "I want my job, but I'm not willing to beg for it." Or do you think McCarthy told Favre, "Were willing to let you compete for the job only because the press is killing us and you don't really stand a chance." No, of course not. But one last formality was required and thus the awkward man hug that is firing a legend began. 

McCarthy and Favre respected the decision that each other had to make, as my boss and I did ten years ago. But the one tiny little difference between the scenarios is that I never won the YMCA Super Bowl and didn't set every statistical record for camp counseling. Plus, I was on the down slope of my career, realizing that when a bunch of first graders beat me at four square. 

So, once again and for the final time, I promise, I really hope the Green Bay Packers know what the hell they are doing. Because once he walks out that door, he'll never step foot in that YMCA again, no matter how good the catering in the five hour meeting was. I found my next gig at the Bennigans down the street, and my guess is Favre won't have to drive too far either. Although I looked terrible in Bennigans green, Favre is gonna look pretty good in Vikings purple.

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The Stat Machine

Welcome to the Stat Machine: a fancy and expensive device we have purchased that spits out interesting sports statistics for our amusement. My aim every Wednesday is to bring you the funny, the strange, the amazing, and the just plain wacky stats found in such sports categories as:

- batting average
- record when playing at home and wearing white
- penalty kill percentage

And of course everyone's favorite, YAC (yards after catch). So lets crank up the machine, watch the flashing lights, and see what our stat machine has in store for us today.


* Trever Miller, Pitcher: Last week Tampa Bay Rays (Don't you dare say DEVIL Rays) pitcher Trever Miller earned his first decision since September 30, 2006. The win he earned was his first decision in 121 straight appearances on the mound, a Major League Baseball record. After the game Miller went straight to the jokes.

"I tell you what, I'm going to go home tonight and make some decisions," Miller said. "Cause I told my wife, 'Don't ask me anything.' I haven't had a decision in a year and a half; it's all you. You decide where we're going, what vacations we're taking. Now I'm going to take control. So she'll be happy with that."

A feat such as this requires several things. A win OR a loss is counted as a decision so Miller had to pitch just well enough to avoid a loss but poor enough to miss a win. You also have to have an offense behind you that has a penchant for staying off the bases. Any run support at all, even just one run, the inning after he pitches very well could decide the game.


* Pittsburgh Pirates: On opening day this baseball season the Pirates, like every other team, fielded a roster of 25 players. Only 14 of those 25 players still remain in Pittsburgh today. Outfielder Xavier Nady and left-handed reliever Damaso Marte were recently traded to the Yankees, and of course outfielder Jason Bay is now a member of Red Sox nation as part of the Manny trade to the Dodgers.

Pittsburgh entered August in last place in the National League Central, 14.5 games out of first place. Who says you need stability to be successful!


* NBA Live '09 is Alive: The latest NBA video game installment looks to be a lot more realistic than any other basketbal game to date. This upcoming game will feature something called Dynamic DNA which will use changing player abilities, stats, injuries, and trades to update the gameplay. Information will be downloaded to your system as it unfolds throughout the regular season of the NBA.

With almost real-time information you'll have new plays available to call, and ever changing game play. You've always been able to download updated rosters but never before have you had player abilities and team tendencies change as they happen on the real hardwood.

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Continue Reading...

Regular readers of WHAS (if you've only been around for a week do you really have "regular" readers?) will notice that we've added a new element to our posts. A change so mind-blowing and revolutionary that I can't tell you about it just yet.

But I tell you what, if you promise to keep this information between you, me, and the other 433 readers of WHAS, then lets go for a ride. Just click on that link below that says "Continue Reading." Don't be afraid, take the plunge.

And then here we are. Not as exciting as you thought right? I admit I built up that hype for no other reason than to demonstrate the story preview feature we've added to the site. Instead of having full posts of our drivel clogging your browser you'll see a few paragraphs of material only, and then if you're feeling curious you can click the link to expand the post.

We think you'll like having this sort of setup and if you don't we'll still keep it anyway. But we would feel sorry for you for a couple of extremely emotional seconds.

However, on that note we always love to hear from our dedicated readers with questions, ideas, hate mail, Viagra solicitations, etc. We can be reached anytime at:

WetHotAmericanSports@gmail.com

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Dick Pound Hates Rubbing Rods

Got your attention with that one, didn't I? Okay, so I was a little liberal with the verbiage, but the gist of it is true. The Associated Press is reporting that the IOC was extremely unhappy with the wave of protests that followed the torch relay on its way to Beijing, and could look into canceling the event in the future. But what makes this a difficult news story for a fourteen-year-old sports anchor is the involvement of Canadian member Dick Pound.


Dick Pound rose to sexual innuendo prominence as the head of the World Anti-Doping Association during which he made a constant attack on the Tour de France, and most notably Lance Armstrong. Well the cruelly named is back at it again with a knee jerk response to a paper tiger. Asked about the recent torch relays, Pound had this to say,

"This came very close to becoming a disaster," he said. "The risks were obvious and should have been assessed a little more carefully. The result is there was a crisis affecting the games."

First off, were the protests really all that bad? I'll admit I didn't follow that closely, but the worst thing I seem to remember was the Rick Rolling in San Fransisco. As horrible as Rick Astley is, its no reason to cancel a tradition as old as the games them self.

Second, by cancelling the torch relay because of a negative response to China's foreign policy, you are sending out the wrong message. Normally, most of the world would tune out or be ignorant of the way China treats Tibet or its own people, but by hosting the Olympics, they are exposing themselves to the world. Shouldn't freedom of expression be able to make its way to the Olympic stage, especially if its in the name of World Peace?

And Last, by stamping out the torch relay, you're killing one of the few international bonds that we have left in this world. The torch relay, Live Aid, and Internet Porn; are the last true world bridging activities available. With Live Aid getting suckier every time its held, and now the torch relay possibly on the out, web porn is our last bastion of hope. Once again proving my theory that porn is the key to the survival of the human race.

The AP Report is here (CONTINUE READING)

The Tuesday Ten

Here at WHAS, we tend to get all information the Internet way: secondhand. We peruse the webs for stories that pique or interest and then proceed to make elementary school jokes and half-assed opinions about them. So, naturally this Brett Favre things has put a stopgap on the flow of story variety. Therefore the only thing I could come up with for the inaugural Tuesday Ten is some more Favre related dribble:




The Top Ten Things Brett Favre Could Do If He Had Stayed Retired

10. Go Fishing.

With all the talk Brett gave during and after his announced retirement, you would think that the man really loves fishing. So why was he only satisfied with one month this summer? And worse yet, he confined himself to his home state of Mississippi. 

Number four could have taken an expedition up to Alaska to catch salmon with his bare hands. He could have flown to Japan to catch Koi from an elderly man's pond, or he could shoot wild steelhead with Michael Ian Black in Oregon. There's a whole world of fishing out there Brett and I'm sure that cannon of an arm would impress all the local bassmasters.

9. Become a Mentor. 

Rumor has it, Favre was working out at a local high school to stay in shape for the comeback he knew was coming from day one. But instead of just running up and down stadium steps by yourself Brett, why not invite a couple of the local teens to join you. 

The bonding you would have with the young sprites as y'a'll baked in the southern sun taking breaks for tall glasses of iced tea, would be priceless. Who knows, maybe one of the kids will contract some incurable disease, and you and the other kids will go on a worldly trip to save his life. It could happen. And if it did, the book and movie rights would make you more money than you ever would playing for the Packers.

8. Learn Karate.

The first time I ever really started to like Brett Favre was during a Monday Night Football game where he was mic'd up. At the game, Pat Morita of "Karate Kid" fame was walking around the sidelines for a reason I don't remember. But Favre's eyes lit up like a elementary-schooler at a Hannah Montana concert when he saw the Hollywood martial artist. 

If he hadn't recently passed away, I would suggest he hire Morita, pick up some 80's lycra and day-glo, and live the dream. But there are any number of suitable replacements. Learn the ways of the East and the way to the perfect Philly Cheesesteak with Steven Segal. Brush up on your roundhouse kicks and your knowledge of Texas law enforcement with Chuck Norris. Or just pay Martin Kove (The actor who played the leader of Cobra Kai) to dress up and let you kick him the face repeatedly.

7. Train for London.

Brett Favre is 38, so that would mean by the time the 2012 Olympics in London rolled around, he would be 42. Roughly the same age as geriatric swimming phenom Dara Torres. So it's not out of the realm of possibility that he could do it. He's fit, competitive, and I bet he loves the heck out of his country. 

But what sport would he compete in. Water Polo? Equestrian? Rhythmic Gymnastics? I'm placing my bets on the shot put. He's got that cannon of an arm, so it wouldn't take much tweaking. He's got the spin move nailed down from avoiding sacks all those years. And finally, he could finally start taking steroids now that all he has to deal with is the mismanaged WADA.

6. Become a Country Musician.

You have a southern accent. You've been known to strum a guitar. You have a permastubble beard, and you have plenty of money to hire someone to write and produce songs about women and drinking for you. Congratulations you can be country music's next star! 

Team up with Kid Rock for a rip-roaring crossover, make Deanna jealous with your duet with Sheryl Crow, and Boot Scoot with Billy Ray as you release your album, "Lambeau Love Songs." With such great hits as "She thinks my Cheesehat's sexy", "Mike Holmgren's Jugtime Tune", and "You look Good in My Sweat Stained Jersey" Favre is bound for success.

5. Start acting again.

Everyone knows about Favre's brush with acting in the movie, "Something About Mary," which tuned him into a popular Trivial Pursuit question. So, why stop there Brett? 

Throw on a few pounds, question your place in life and suit up for coach Eastwood. The coming of age tale you two could produce together about a little boy from Mississippi who witnesses some sort of abortion or sex change operation that scars him for life will be Oscar Gold. Or you could put on thirty layers of latex, develop a fondness for French, and adapt some graphic novel for the big screen with Guillermo del Toro. Or just return to your roots and let the Farrelly Brothers team you up with Jimmy Fallon in a movie about a talking banana.

4. Spend Money.

His final contract for the Green Bay Packers was worth somewhere close to one hundred million dollars. Which again makes me ask the question; why can't athletes stay retired? Seriously, you have over one hundred million dollars, how can you not keep yourself entertained? 

Do you miss the players? You could probably afford to buy out the entire practice squad of the Packers to sit around a locker room replica at your mansion. Do you miss the fans? Hire local high schoolers to get drunk and sit in grandstands outside your house. Every time you get the paper, you'll be greeted by painted beer bellies and girls screaming to have your baby. Or Is it the competition you miss? Use your dumptrucks full of money to buy thirty Chinese sweatshop workers to form a dodgeball league. It's win-win really. You free them from oppression and you get to wail on communism with the red rubber of capitalism.

3. Have Sex with Your Wife.

Deanna Favre is very hot. She is one seriously smoking brunette who I would do innumerable dirty things to. You sir are one lucky man and you should treat that woman right. Take her to a private beach in the Carribean for a week. Just you her and the gentle roar of the ocean. 

You approach her wearing your ripped khakis and white linen shirt holding a bottle of Chateaux Royale Number Five and two glasses. She sits on the huge goose down blanket strewn on the beach, her skin aglow from the tropical sun. You gently caress her....you know what screw the book and movie rights to the dying kid story, you could make a killing with the Favre series of romance novels.

2. Take the $20 million.

Reportedly the Packers were going to offer Brett Favre in the upwards of twenty million to be a spokesperson/hand model for the next few years for the Green Bay Packers. Considering number one draft pick commentators like Michael Strahan are only getting $2 million a year, it sounds like a pretty sweet deal.  And they actually have to do real work. 

All you'd have to do is show up to a couple of fundraiser dinners, shake a few hands, pretend to enjoy hanging out with poor kids for The United Way, and you're done. They're going to continue to profit on you one way or another, this way you get some extra cash, and they get to make their Brett Favre waffle irons they've been dying for.

1. Be Aaron Rodgers' Friend.

You guys could have been best buddies. His California attitude, your Southern charm; you could have been a dynamic duo of dudedom. You could watch over his shoulder as he struggles, encouraging him to keep on plugging, while you sip hot cocoa in the hotel, waiting for him to arrive and tell you all about his day. When he finally retires, as the number two quarterback in Packers history, the two of you can laugh about how Bubba Frank used to spit when he talked, and how Donald Driver had a fondness for Booberry cereal. You could talk into the wee hous of the night, taking the minutes of a club in which only you and him belong. 

But that's not happening, is it Brett? You just had to unretire, casting an ominous shadow on Aaron's standing as the Packer QB of the future and ruining his fragile ego in the process. Way to go Brett. You will never be able to experience the warmth of a homemade Aaron Rodgers afghan. Have fun in training camp, douche.

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Agony in Victory, Joy in Defeat

Tiger Woods, Trevor Immelman, and Padraig Harrington. Quick, what do all three of this year's major winners have in common besides fat wallets? Time's up. Did you say all three were injured going into the tournament? If so you would be correct.

Harrington had a limp wrist, Immelman was previously chasing the golf ball in the form of a giant tumor on his neck, and Wood's metal infrastructure was cracked a bit. So logic dictates that the winner of the PGA Championship this year at Oakland Hills is going to be one gimpy golfer.

In a piece for Golfweek.com, Jeff Rude ponders who will be the next injured player to win this year. He mentions Aaron Oberholser's constant medical issues, David Tom's bad back, Vijay's Ribs, and even Tiger Woods hobbling down the fairway in crutches. But by not looking outside the box, Rude is missing the obvious choice: John Daly. SIDE NOTE: I'm starting a franchise called Vijay's Ribs, the profits sound delicious.

John Daly has been battling a multitude of ailments for some time right now. For one, his hyper-hooto-glycema (A severe need to ingest at least 30 Hooters Wings every day) has been acting up for the past month. Not to mention his Myto-coorsial-infarction (Excruciating desire to pound Coors Light).

But worst of all is his acute Bawiddaba Syndrome. (The overwhelming urge to hang out with Kid Rock). In the history of the PGA, nobody has ever won a tournament suffering from Bawiddaba. But in this strangest of years in golf, Daly could be the first ever to do it. With wings in one hand, tallboy of Coors in the other, and with Kid Rock caddying by his side, Daly could be well on his way to his second PGA championship. As long as he gets over his Grudenitis that is.

Jeff Rude's damaged goods.
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"Fox NFL Sunday" Has Six Anchors as Strahan, Gap in His Teeth, Join Team

Okay so the deal happened around late June, but today I witnessed my first ever Michael Strahan, the broadcaster, sighting. And let me tell you, he was PIMP. Wearing a retro black army style shirt with shoulder straps, which was buttoned down to reveal his manly chest, Strahan was displaying charisma and style. Doing a cameo for ESPN's Brett Favre-aploozza today, the former Giant showed why he's the next coming of Barkley.

Not since the round mound of rebound became the round mound of sound have I so eagerly anticipated a player's retirement. Not because of a hatred for the Giants or Strahan as a player, but because of what lied ahead. We have gotten to see glimpses of the affable Mike in interviews and guest appearances on pregame shows throughout the years, and each time he has outshined anyone that preceded him. 

Normally, active players that appear on such shows come off as nervous, cold, and stiff. Being a top-notch commentator takes not only a winning personality, but experience at honing your craft. But Strahan was different. When he showed up, everyone else was dwarfed in comparison. He thinks off his feet, his smile is infectious, and his knowledge of the game is superb.

Strahan should easily make everyone forget how badly the Fox team missed James Brown last year. Strahan/Bradshaw will be the NFL's Barkley/Smith. The only difference is; Strahan is both smart and entertaining where as Barkley fills an entertainment need to Kenny Smith's excellent analysis. So as a fellow gaped toother like myself, (Although mine pales in comparison to his) I wish Strahan the best of luck in what should be a brilliant career in the booth. (CONTINUE READING)

Clearing the Smog, Vol. III: Getting to Know the U.S. Olympic Shooters

From now until the closing ceremonies WHAS will be highlighting various U.S. Olympic athletes in all their unabashed glory. This way when watching Taekwondo events with your blow-up doll girlfriend you'll impressively be able to point out that Americans Mark, Diana, and Steven Lopez are the first trio of siblings to compete together in the same sport and on the same Olympic team since 1904. Look for knowledge like that to pump some more air into that fulfilling relationship. So without further ado I present to you:

The U.S. Olympic Shooters

That's right, there's a sport called shooting. Not archery; shooting. Tune in for events featuring rifles, pistols, and shotguns. Guess which nation leads the all-time Olympic medal count in this sport? USA! USA! We have the benefit of quite a prestigious farm system including school shooters, bullies, rednecks, gang leaders, and current Vice Presidents.

Lets meet a few of the firearm specialists:

• Matt Emmons - Has already won a gold medal in a past competition but even more impressive is the fact that he pitched a perfect game for his high school baseball team in New Jersey. It should also be noted that Matt's wife says he never has a problem firing his pistol in bed.

• Jeff Holguin - Joined the army in hopes of improving his chances to make the Olympic shooting team. After avoiding death several times Jeff was awarded a spot on the team.

• Emily Caruso - Is not surprisingly a member of the NRA, but what IS surprising is she is a vegetarian, doesn't hunt, and is lactose intolerant. Emily is concerned about her sport and says that the biggest issue is that "people don't realize it's an Olympic sport." Not anymore Emily, not anymore.

NBC has a website, and they discuss all things Olympics. (CONTINUE READING)

Dear Mr. Fantasy,

Welcome to the first ever installment of our Monday feature, "Dear Mr. Fantasy," where I make all your wildest fantasies come true. At least those related to fantasy football. So follow me as we go deep down into the depths of fantasy football lore. So join me as I answer a burning question, confess my itching desire, tell you about an amazing rookie, take a couple three point stances, and give you tips on how to draft in 2008.

The Burning Question: "What do I do about this whole Brett Favre mess?"

The short answer: stay pat for now. We finally know Favre's comeback is official and as of right now, he is still a Packer. Rest assured, if he's back, he's gonna start. Whether it's with Green Bay or Minnesota, he will have a big fantasy impact. But, if you're in a league with an early draft, waiting might not be an option for you. This saga could play out for another week or so, but if your draft is before then, plan your move wisely. 

You could pass on some big name QBs in favor of Favre in a late round, but beware: newsmakers usually get gobbled up quick. Chances are, by now everyone in your league knows about this saga, even if they were locked in a cave all month. So don't be surprised if you're expecting to take a flier on Brett in the fifth or sixth, to see him taken by your little sister in the third or fourth.

My Itching Desire: Getting Brett Favre

I'll talk about this later in more detail, but 2008 is a very questionable season for running backs. There's a handful of reliable guys, some unproven rookies, a lot of studs coming off injuries, and new starters throughout. So taking a RB or two early this year is a no-brainer. Which is why Favre is so intoxicating to me. There's a good chance you can pick him up in a late round, and there's a good chance he'll put up huge numbers like he did last year. You grab two stud RBs early and Brett Favre late, you can start clearing your plate in December, you're probably going to the playoffs. 

But I wouldn't put the kind of faith in Favre I would in guys like Brees, Brady , and Manning. Draft a reliable backup or you might pay the price. With the Madden curse, rust, and the still uncertainty of either a new team or Rodgers winning the job, Favre is a more risky proposition than other stud QBS. So if you get him, make sure you have a Schaub or a Cutler waiting in the wings.

Thus concludes the obligatory Brett Favre portion of this column, we now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Rookie to Watch: Matt Forte of the Chicago Bears

The Chicago Bears will run the football. Repeat those words to yourself, take deep breaths, throw a dart at your Cedric Benson effigy head, and pick up Forte. I won't lie, Benson killed me last year in a few leagues. A first round pickup, he was the death of many fantasy teams in 2007, and I understand the wound is still fresh. But Forte is no Benson. The Green Waver of Tulane rushed for over 2,000 yards last season, averaging over 177 yards a game. In a span of three games last year, he had 820 yards. Yes, while Conference USA and the NFL are apples and oranges, if he even puts up half those numbers he's worth the value at where he's projected to get drafted. 

This is a guy you can easily get in the third, fourth, maybe fifth round. Remember, every year at least one rookie running back has a breakout year. While most predict Darren McFadden is the guy, I think he is overvalued where he is being drafted. Because of playing at Tulane, nobody knows who Forte is, so he's going to be a steal. But in case you just miss out on picking him up, take the chance to look at Chris Johnson for the Tennessee Titans. Another C-USA guy, Johnson is a speedster who is gonna get a lot of playing time in run-first Nashville.

Three-Point Stance: RB's Who Suck

Willie Parker. Injury, Roethlisbeger, Mendenhall. These three words define why I don't like Parker at all this year. Parker's coming off a fractured fibula, not a good injury for a halfback. But even without it, he played 15 games last year, where he racked up a whopping two TD's all year. New coach Mike Tomlin has installed a pass first mentality in Pittsburgh with Big Ben pulling the strings. And even if they did reverse the trend and run more, the big bruiser out of Illionois, Rashard Mendenhall is going to see the bulk of the goal-line action.

Julius Jones. Free from the constraints of Marion Barber, Jones is set to fulfill the legacy of Shaun Alexander in Seattle. and by that I mean suck. In the Parker club of multiple TD's (2), Jones only rushed for 588 yards. But that was because the Cowboys were holding him back right? While Jones will see more action in Seattle, Maurice Morris is going to be sharing the load as co-starter.

Marion Barber. People are in love with this guy in 2008 and he's being taken extremely high on draft boards. I can't argue the numbers (12 TDS, over 1,000 total yards), but just name me one RB who did better when given the full-time position after being in a committee situation.

 

Three Point Stance: RB's Who Don't

Joseph Addai. My choice for number two pick behind LT. Manning's receiving corp is thinning while his O-line is getting better. His sophomore slump last year saw him hitting 15 TDs, and over 1,300 total yards. Look for him to bust out of a rut for a huge third year.

Ronnie Brown. The Dolphins suck. Ronnie Brown does not. While at first one can point to either the ACL injury or the departure of Cam Cameron as signs not to take him, I think the reward greatly outweighs the risk. Brown is looking great so far and the Dolphins can't throw the ball to save their life. With the addition of Jake Long, Anthony Fasano, and head coach Tony Sparano, all signs point to a 75/25 running to passing ratio. The only downside, Ricky Williams also is looking really good, and could see a lot of carries.

Larry Johnson. Anyone who saw HBO's "Hard Knocks" last year knew Johnson was going to suck in 2007. Just the way he was carrying himself reeked of overconfidence and a fat paycheck. But this year I think he has something to prove. Staying healthy would help, but so would one quarterback. I think the constant flip-flopping last year hurt LJ bad. Crappy or not, sticking with Brodie Croyle all season will help his numbers tremendously. Plus, Croyle's wife is smoking hot.

Draft Tips to Swear By: Take a Running Back Dammit!

While this advice gets pounded into the brains of young fantasy footballers at a tender age, I can't repeat it enough and this year holds especially true. Outside of the top four: LT, Addai, AP, and Brian Westbrook, there are only a handful of reliable running backs. It's almost impossible to win without at least one stud running back, so hedge your bets. The strategy that seems to work the best for me is a three-pronged attack. 

First, take Mr. Reliable. If you can't get one of the top four guys I suggest guys like Marshawn Lynch, Frank Gore, or Willis McGahee.

Second, pick a guy with a lot of upside. Examples include anyone coming off injury: Brown, LJ, or Steven Jackson, or anyone who had an off-year last year: MJD, Reggie Bush, or Thomas Jones. 

Third, take a rookie. As mentioned before, at least one rookie always has a huge year, and this year I think there could be three or four. There's the aforementioned McFadden, Forte, Mendenhall, and Johnson, but other guys to watch include Felix Jones in Dallas and Jonathon Stewart in Carolina.

 

Well this concludes the first ever Dear Mr. Fantasy. I hope these tips serve you well in the upcoming fantasy season, but really the best way to get a leg up this year is through mock drafts. They're free over at ESPN.com and are a great tool to preparing for where guys are going in this years draft. Next week I'm going to do a mock draft right before I write my column and will then analyze the first few rounds, telling you why I picked who I did. Until then, I'm Mr. Fantasy playing you a tune. (CONTINUE READING)

Yankee Mustache Retires, Moved to Front Office Role

The hard-hitting mustache that resided on Yankee 1st baseman Jason Giambi's face has announced his retirement from the game. He had spent almost three months with the team and helped Giambi break out of a frustrating hitting slump, although the mustache's overall batting average was just .182 and Giambi now says it's just the right time for the mustache to leave the game.

"There's no more hits in it," Giambi said as he boarded the team bus for the team's flight to Dallas. "No more hits."

Yankee fans had joyously supported the 'stache and often brought their own fake mustaches to home games. It had become a cultural symbol in the Bronx and almost helped Giambi win a spot on this year's all star team.

The Yankees handed out 20,000 fake mustaches to fans attending the Yankees-Rays game on July 9 in an attempt to get him the final spot on the team. But he didn't win the Internet voting by the fans, and now Giambi will try to regain his hitting touch as a clean-shaven guy.

It doesn't appear that the mustache's playing career was quite long enough to be considered for induction into Cooperstown, although mustache aficianados such as Burt Reynolds have already talked of starting a petition.

For more on the magical mustache, New York Newsday has you covered.
(CONTINUE READING)

ESPN Achieves Rare Moment of Creativity

If you're a semi regular viewer of ESPN you may have noticed this guy, Steve, appearing lately in live commercials promoting an upcoming change in the worldwide leader's programming. Starting August 12th the morning additions of SportsCenter will no longer be repeated hour after hour and will instead be aired live until 3:00 in the afternoon.

Clearly ESPN producers don't understand the honor that men everywhere have when they realize they've sat through two hour-long (and identical) episodes of SportsCenter. It's a sort of rite of passage and clear catalyst to a fight with your mom about how you "promise to start looking for a job tomorrow."


The story here, though, is the surprising success and creativity that ESPN is enjoying in this campaign. You see, camera crews follow this guy Steve, a young production coordinator from Pittsburgh, around all day as he works in Bristol, goes to the gym, or enjoys a game of bowling with his girlfriend. There are about 10-15 thirty second commercials each day and they're completely live. It's a fairly impressive undertaking and Steve is actually marginally entertaining.

Although I may just be a giant television production nerd. That's a very respectable conclusion to draw.

The realization I've come to is that ESPN's original ideas are only interesting when related to advertising. Their commercials have always been hands down some of the best comedic spots. As my fellow editor Jason has previously pointed out, ESPN loves to try idiotic segments such as "Who's Now?", "Title Town," and "50 States in 50 Days."

I say try this ESPN: Show me highlights, then run several hilarious ESPN commercials, then show me more highlights.

Feel free to slim down by removing such unfortunate things like: Stuart Scott, Stephen A. Smith, the Budweiser Hot Seat, the Coors Light 6 pack of Questions, most of your analysis, Stephen A. Smith, Arena Football highlights, Arena Football analysis, Arena Football.

Check out the new Steve ad campaign at "Steve is Live.com" (CONTINUE READING)

NFL (Pre) Season Underway: Redskins Own Best Record in Football

Your up-to-the-minute Wet Hot American Sports NFL report: The 2008 (pre) season is finally underway after the annual Hall of Fame game in Canton, Ohio Sunday night. The Redskins and Colts battled in an important (meaningless) contest which ended with Washington earning a decisive 30-16 victory.

The win helps Washington remain undefeated and gives them the best record in the NFL. Their win percentage is an impressive 1.000 and they're currently averaging an NFL-best 30 points per game. The Colts suffered a devastating blow with the loss and are still searching for their first win of the year.


Other News and Notes from the game: Washington proved to be such a formidable and feared opponent that Indianapolis Quarterback Peyton Manning declined even to make the flight to Canton. New Redskins Head Coach Jim Zorn will go down in the history books as enjoying an undefeated career coaching record. All other NFL teams were idle this week. Former Hawaii standout Colt Brennan threw 2 TD's and looked impressive (against a 4th string defense) in the win.

CORRECTION: Brett Favre was not mentioned in this story. The editors apologize for this unfortunate oversight. (CONTINUE READING)

Numbers Speak Louder Than Words

8 years. That's how long former wide receiver Art Monk had to wait before being elected to the NFL Hall of Fame Saturday in Canton. The quiet possession receiver spent all but two of his sixteen years in Washington earning three Super Bowl titles for the Redskins.

The uninformed observer would have to conclude that if seven ballots had passed Monk by it must have been due to a sub-par career. Since Monk was never much for speaking his mind, allow his career numbers to do the talking:

• 940 catches
• 12,721 yds
• 13.5 avg per catch
• 68 TD (7 Super Bowl TD's)
• 3 Pro Bowls. 3 Super Bowls.

Wait a tick, those numbers sound pretty good! So good in fact that Monk has more receiving yards than nine other hall of fame wide outs, and more than double the number of receptions than several others. At one time he held NFL records for most receptions in a single season and most consecutive games with a catch (183). And by the way, the teams he played on were, for the most part, run-oriented offenses that required more downfield blocking than slick pass patterns.

Bypassing Mr. Monk for the Hall is the sort of injustice seen only a few times in our history: the civil rights movement, woman's suffrage, and the absence of Nickelback in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Regardless, he's finally in. When he was introduced, the mostly partisan Redskins crowd honored Art with a four minute-plus standing ovation. Third string SportsCenter anchor Dari Nowkhah began his Art Monk story with this gem of an intro: "Madonna and Justin Timberlake only had 4 minutes to save the world, Art Monk had 4 minutes of cheering." Solid writing!

But after patiently and quietly waiting eight years to join the elite club I'm sure he didn't mind another four minutes of applause from burgundy and gold-clad fans. (CONTINUE READING)

Packers to Open QB Competition. Vegas Odds: Brian Brohm a 5000:1 Underdog

Well if Wendi Nix's ESPN report turns out to be true it looks like the Brett Favre saga just took a turn for the better. For me. For everyone in the Packers organization? Not so much. Nix has sources confirm that after his reinstatement, Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers will compete in training camp for the starting job.

As a response to the report, ESPN's Kevin Seifert penned this article. In it he asks the question, "will this be a fair competition for Favre?" Seifert makes his point by concluding that it'll be impossible for head coach Mike McCarthy to do a 180 on the stance he's made all off-season, "We're moving forward, Aaron Rodgers is our quarterback." But isn't doing a 180 embedded into any coach's DNA?

No other job in the world features more U-turns than coaching. Whether it's Bill Belicheck's injury reports, Nick Saban's unexpected vanishing act, or any statement made about trade rumors, coaches are notorious flip-floppers. So I agree with Seifert that the competition will be unfair; for Rodgers.

If it wasn't for his false retirement this wouldn't even be a question. Favre is the starter, and Rodgers sits on the pine. Last year, greybeard had one of his best years ever. He threw 28 TDs for over 4,000 yards, with a completion percentage of 66.5%, his best ever. He's not injured and he isn't in some sort of contract year. There's no reason to think he wouldn't come out and put up the same numbers. So how does Rodgers even have a shot at the starters job?

The Packers, if the reports are accurate, feel they have no other choice but to let Favre play for them. Favre, from day one, knew he wanted to play, and wasn't going anywhere but the Packers or the Vikings. Seeing as the latter is not even remotely an option, the Packers had to let him come back. And even though they say it's a competition, the option of having Favre, in his prime at the young age of 38, be a backup; is just as scary as him playing for the Vikings.

Rodgers wouldn't stand a chance. Anything short of Tom Brady in Cheeseland and he immediately will feel number four towering over him. With every interception and every errant pass, more and more Packers fans will stop watching the field, and start watching the sidelines. Seeing as he's never started a game in the NFL, I'd say chances are very good he has a rocky season. Adequate is a possibility, good is a stretch, and great is improbable. Even if Rodgers is the next Steve Young, even Young didn't win a QB competition with Joe Montana. (CONTINUE READING)