Oakland Playas! Your PGA Championship Leaderboard

Picking the winner of a Tigerless golf tournament is as close to needle in a haystack as you'll find in all of sports. Even providing commentary on all of the players is a chore to write and read. 158 golfers teed it up this week in Oakland Hills for the PGA Championship and one hundred of them have a legitimate chance to win the thing. So deciding a winner on Thursday is just foolish. Not one to pity fools, Wet Hot skips the boring Thursday and Friday rounds and gets straight to the good stuff. It's kinda like the little piece of dough in the middle of a cinnamon roll. So bust out your wetnaps as we pull out the sticky goodness that is your Friday night Leaderboard.

(-1) J.B. Holmes 

There's a good chance you've never heard of the 36 hole leader, but he's having a pretty good 2008. Holmes has three top ten finishes, one win (TPC Scottsdale) and a 25th place finish at the Masters. But with the ups there's been downs, as J.B. missed the cut at both Open Championships. By the way, if you're wondering why Mr. Holmes goes by the moniker, J.B., it's because his first name is John. You connect the dots.

(E) Ben Curtis 

There's a good chance you have heard of Curtis. The winner of the 2003 British Open, the experience of winning a major gives him an advantage over all but two other leaders. The fans will be rooting him on as well, because Curtis is sponsored by the NFL and wears the logo of whatever NFL team the venue is closest to. But I have a hard time picking a guy wearing Detroit Lions gear. (Admit it, you thought Oakland Hills was in California, me too. But it's really in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan.)

(E) Justin Rose 

Trying to become the first European born winner of the PGA since Tommy Armour in 1930, Rose has a mountain of history to overcome. He's also trying to overcome a difficult 2008 season which includes only one PGA top ten, a missed cut at the U.S. Open, 70th place at the other, and a fall from the top, to 36th at the Masters. He's never won on the PGA tour, but came the closest he's ever been this year with that one top ten, a second place finish at the Memorial. But "second place by any name wouldn't smell as sweet" 

(E) Charlie Wi 

I suppose if this South Korean had a blog, he would get a lot of traffic from people who can't spell Michelle's name right. But unlike his almost namesake, Charlie has made the cut on the PGA tour 15 times this year. Unfortunately none of those were in majors. The Kenny Perry of Asia, Wi is playing in his first major of the year. But unlike Kenny Perry, Wi didn't poke himself in the eye and withdraw from the tournament. Okay, so he says it was a corneal infection, but I think he jabbed a ball marker in there to avoid playing in his only major. Kenny. You're third in the Ryder Cup standings, now breathe.

(+1) Henrik Stenson 

Wait, this can't be right, they must have switched Swedes. Nope, looks like Thursday night leader Robert Karlsonn shot a 77 and is a good deal off the pace in 26th place. Which is why we do our predictions on Friday. That's not to say that Stenson won't follow suit and shoot a 77 on Saturday though. But with a third place at the Open, 17th at the Masters, and 7 of 9 PGA cuts made this year, I bet Henrik will be sticking around.

(+1) David Toms 

This might be the only guy at the top of the leaderboard the casual golf fan has heard of. And that's probably just because of those ESPN commercials he did back in the day. Oh and he won the PGA in 2001 with the lowest score in major championship history, but that's nothing really. As amazing as that week in 2001 was, the last few years have not been kind to Toms. His best finish in 2008 is a 17th place finish in Charlotte. In the Ryder Cup Standings he's 46th, behind superstuds like Dudley Hart and Chez Reavie. (I've never heard of him, but with a name like Chez, that guy must have had no choice but to play professional golf or be a restaurant sign.)

(+2) 7 players 

The Smoking Duck (Angel Cabrera), Badds! (Aaron Baddeley), The Pornstar (Ken Duke), The Waggle (Sergio Garcia), The Kid (Sean O' Hair), The Other Singh (Jeev Mikah Singh), and Brandt Snedeker. Sorry Brandt, as a consolation for not having a sweet nickname, I pick you as the guy most likely to win out of the group. After all you did finish 3rd at the Masters and 9th at the U.S. Open. I guess I should call you the Top Ten Tennessean. (He's from Nashville)

So who out of these guys do I think will win the PGA? Nobody on this list particularly impresses so I'm gonna be a little creative with my answer. The guy who wins the PGA will also win a wild card berth on the U.S. Ryder Cup team. O'Hair, Snedeker, and Holmes are 13, 15, and 16, respectively, on the Ryder Cup standings. With a win at Oakland Hills, I think there's no doubt Zinger will pull the trigger with one of his four captains picks.

(CONTINUE READING)

Lebron Loves Baklava But Kobe Loves Cannolis. Bryant to Italy in 2010?

We first reported on Ben Gordon's possible European affair, which escalated into Lebron's interest, and now MVP Kobe Bryant says that he would "probably go" if offered $50 million from an Italian team like Milan.

"Like Milan or something like that, where I grew up or something like that? Peace out." Bryant continued: "Do you know any reasonable person that would turn down 50 (million dollars)?"  

If Ben Gordon went to Europe a couple of people in Chicago and his mom would be upset. If Lebron leaves, David Stern will resign, the NBA's ratings will take a nosedive, and the city of Cleveland will implode. But what would happen if Italian born Kobe decided to return home for a year in 2010?

1. Pau Gasol Will Cry Himself to Sleep. 

Drafted by the historically horrible Hawks, Gasol was rescued by the Vancouver Grizzlies, who suck just as bad, but at least the grizzly bearded Spaniard would fit in with the Canadian lumberjacks. Then, Vancouver, unable to sell enough Maple Syrup to support an NBA franchise, moved the team to Memphis. If you've ever been to ghettolicious Memphis you could see how a seven foot Spaniard would have a tough time there. 

But the clouds seemingly opened up for him again, when Phil Jackson let GM Chris Wallace sleep with Jeannie Bus in exchange for Gasol. I think if Pau gets hosed one more time when Kobe leaves him with a bunch of "energy guys," he's going to keep his neighbor's awake at night with the sound of tears falling from seven feet off the ground.


2. Long Live King Kobe. 

When Bryant arrives in Milan there will be thousands of people lining the streets to greet him. This won't be a couple of Long Island families in bootleg Jetts tees clinging to a chain link fence for Favre's autograph. I'm talking full on azure pride awaiting. Throngs of converted soccer hooligans drunkenly chanting their Kobe song they made up over a keg of Peroni last night. 

Not only is Bryant an Italian native, and fluent in the language, he defied the odds and left the United States for the sake of his home country. Sure the $50 million didn't hurt, but that's only $32.5 million Euros, so he's really just an average working class hero in Italy.

3. ESPN Will Start A New Channel. 

If you thought the coverage of "Bays of Our Lives" and "Spygate" were overdone, wait till the Kobe to Italy talks start heating up. Instead of just turning Sportscenter into Kobecenter like they did with Favre, they will also launch an entire channel called ESPNK, that is dedicated to nothing but Kobe Bryant coverage. 

Hear from insightful pundits like Kobe's high school math teacher, Olimpia Milano towel boys, and a guy who once gave him change for a dollar. Watch captivating footage of Kobe cashing his check at the bank, getting a slice of pizza, and watching his stocks. Marvel at the sports figures that ESPN drags out of retirement to talk about Kobe. It's a good thing ESPN is doing Sportscenter live all morning in a few days, because I'm just not getting enough coverage.

4. Kobe Can Resume Adultering. 

Kobe's bogus rape trial earned him a lifetime negative approval rating  everywhere outside of Los Angeles. Even though not convicted, cheating on your wife is a big time no-no in the morally righteous ideology of the United States. In Europe, sexual promiscuity is abundant, especially in Italy where lying about adultery is protected by the Italian version of The Supreme Court. 

So if some snooping paparazzi-man catches you fondling another woman's boobage, you have no need to worry. You can simply hold a press conference to say that you were giving her a complimentary breast exam that she won in a halftime free-throw shooting contest. And the Italians will be legally obligated to believe you.

Amore on Kobe's Italian Future at The Boston Globe.

(CONTINUE READING)

Don't Die at the Olympics

If you're traveling to Beijing for the 2008 Summer Olympics there's a few things I'd like to discuss with you. First: you're a little late. Flights to China take longer than you think and you DON'T want to be the last guy to walk into the opening ceremonies. Can you say EMBARRASSING?! It's going to take a little longer than an in-flight showing of the holiday classic, "Jingle All The Way" to fly from New York to Beijing.

Second: Life at the Olympics and Beijing are dangerous. It's not like living in your safe little Harlem 2-bedroom apartment. Nope, it's a different world over there in China.

I thought it would be only right to provide you with a couple of quick survival tips to help you get through your trip to this year's summer games alive. It's the "Don't Die at the Olympics" guide.

Let's begin. First of all, you've heard lots and lots about the polluted air over there in Beijing. You think it's hype? Think again. Washington Post blogger extraordinaire Dan Steinberg tried out a little experiment; survive a lengthy jog in the heart of smog-haven Beijing. Here are the frightening results:



Lesson learned? To avoid death, don't jog in Beijing.

The air isn't the only death trap over there. Sometimes the actual Olympic events can be just as death-defying. If you're a member of the sports media, an athlete, or just a crazy fan sneaking onto the playing surface, you MUST pay attention to your surroundings:



Ouch! To avoid death, know your surroundings.

And finally, when you're walking around China remember that the laws of the land are a bit different from that of the red, white, and blue. So before committing that crime it's important to note that in China:

Defendants can be put to death for criminal offenses, including nonviolent property crimes such as theft, embezzlement and forgery. In 1993, 77% of all executions worldwide were carried out in China.

On a single day, 9 January 1993, 356 death sentences were handed down by Chinese courts; 62 executions took place that day. During that year alone, 2,564 people were sentenced to death. At least 1,419 of them are known to have been executed.

Talk about swift penalties. You may want to keep those criminal tendencies hidden for the next couple of weeks. Good luck in Beijing and and we'll see you next time. Stay alive America.

(CONTINUE READING)

Thursday Throw-down: The Olympics VS The Super Bowl

Welcome to Thursday boys and girls! Each and every 4th day of the work week we will have a mighty throw-down; a (somewhat) scientific comparison between two things. Maybe one week its two athletes, or two sports, or two athlete's wives/mistresses.

This week in honor of the upcoming Summer Olympics just hours away (unless you don't count the fruity opening ceremonies, which I don't) we'll throw-down with the 2008 Summer games vs. The Super Bowl. It's the pinnacle of international competition doing battle with the pinnacle of good 'ol AMERICAN competition. And you know, beer and over produced halftime shows.

Let's Throw-down!

	THE 2008 OLYMPICS	THE SUPER BOWL
SPORT	With 34 different sports represented it's got something for everyone including some really fun obscure sports like table tennis and trampoline, which we are all a little surprised to find out are actual sports.	Football. I mean it's America's favorite sport. There's lots of hitting and running and throwing and what not. It's quite nice.
FANS	You've got a random and extremely small assortment of fans from countries all over the world. And then you've got a billion Chinese.	If you're lucky you get Raiders fans, which is basically an assortment of people celebrating Halloween every day. If you're having a bad day you get Eagle fans who will boo Santa Clause, misspell their own team's name in chants, and consume a billion cheese steaks.
BEST ATHLETE	I'll go ahead and pick American swimmer Michael Phelps; he may win the record for most gold medals won in a single Olympics and he's got a really sweet 'stache.	Tom Brady. He's dreamy.
WORST ATHLETE	Table Tennis player (come on this is just Ping Pong right?). Incredible hand-eye coordination and quickness. Poor muscle definition, personality, and exclusively Asian in ethnicity.	Punter. Incredible leg strength and flexibility. Poor tackling ability, size, strength, mental toughness, and just about everything else required of any other position player.
AWARD GIVEN	Small circular medal, hopefully golden.	Vince Lombardi trophy, a giant phallic symbol with a little football on top.
LOCATION	Beijing, China. Possibly the most polluted area on the planet. Crowded city, lack of English spoken.	Usually a warm, tourist friendly city in America. Plenty of English spoken.
TV PERSONALITY	Bob Costas. That little guy is just brimming with interesting sports anecdotes and statistics.	John Madden. He's everything BUT little and is expanding every day.

And the winner of the 1st annual Wet Hot American Sports Thursday Throw-down.....

THE SUPER BOWL! Come on, did you think we'd pick some "Foreign" sporting event over our good 'ol American tackle-fest? The truth is, I've never heard of an Olympics party and as far as I know the commercials are not that funny. And I complain that the Super Bowl is WAY too long, not to mention the pregame show, but the Olympics last weeks. What if we had to wait WEEKS to find out who was in fact going to Disney World?

Congrats Super Bowl, you will receive a free subscription to the new award winning blog "Wet Hot American Sports." My friends tell me it's all the rage.

(CONTINUE READING)

Clearing the Smog, Vol. IV: Getting to Know the Ten Sexiest Female U.S. Olympians

With the Olympics just one day away from beginning, it's time for yet another episode of Clearing the Smog: Getting to know your U.S. Olympians. With our helpful tidbits of information you'll be the envy of Sigma Delta Rho when watching the Archery finals. Why? Because you'll know that Butch Johnson is a five time Olympian and not just a great porn title. So I now present you with:

The Ten Sexiest Female U.S. Olympic Athletes

(Click any picture for a full sexy res version)

10. Dara Torres 

Occupying the obligatory MILF slot, Torres still smokes through the swimming pool at age 41. Competing in her fifth Olympic games, she was the oldest U.S. Olympian in 2000, but surprisingly isn't in 2008. 58 year old air pistol shooter, Libby Callahan, beat her out this time. Sorry Libby there's no obligatory GMILF slot on this list.

9. Kerri Walsh

Ready to unseat Torres in a few years, thirty-year-old Walsh has competed in the Olympics in both indoor and beach volleyball. She makes this list for two reasons. One, she fulfills the tall girl requirement, and two, she probably will spend most of the time you see her in a bikini. Plus you could come up with a behind the back hand signal that only you and her would understand. For example a wiggle of the pinky clockwise means, "sex later?"

8. Allyson Felix.

A silver medal winner in Athens, this sprinter turns heads faster than anyone else on this list. Allyson also has that "I might occasionally kick your ass, but that's okay because the sex will be phenomenal," look about her. You know what I mean; the kind where you tell your coworkers that the bruises are from that infernal Bowflex, and they roll their eyes and say, "Sure it was."






7. Alicia Sacramone.

If it wasn't for that whole underage thing, I'd probably put nothing but gymnasts on this list. But Sacramone is twenty, so booya. Alicia is very attractive, with an Italian allure and surprisingly developed "pectorals" for a gymnast. But even if she was beaten with an ugly stick, I'd still probably put her on this list. Any guy who's ever been with a gymnast will know exactly why.


6. Natalie Coughlin. 

A freshman entry into the list, Natalie makes a strong debut at number six. She gets bonus points for being really good as well as smoking hot. She could win a whole slew of swimming medals in Beijing. Sexy, competitive, and you might be able to wear one of her spare medals to feel like a champ in bed. I once wore a gold medal in competitive eating to bed. She was a very large woman. 

5. Hope Solo. 

Just look at the determination in her gorgeous eyes. Hope is a woman who knows what she wants. Notorious for getting kicked off the World Cup team for criticizing her coach, she's the kind of girl you  want as a girlfriend. If you order a pizza and it gets there without the bacon you ordered, she would be the kind to march down to Papa John's house himself and bitch slap him with a slab of bacon, because she knows how much her man loves bacon.

4. Amanda Beard. 

Yet another one of the slightly "mature" women, Beard has been dominating this list for decades. But she loses points this time around for those PETA ads she did. Yes, she did the ads nude, but associating with wacko organizations like PETA is very not sexy. I don't like to be slapped during post-coitus because she just had an orgasm on what she later discovered was a goose down comforter.

3. Jennie Finch. 

Probably the most well know Olympic sexpot on this list, Finch is like the Brett Favre of softball; without the man stubble of course. She's been on "The Apprentice" and was voted ESPN's hottest athlete in 2003. But the best part of her resume is that she occasionally corresponds for ESPN's "This Week in Baseball." Leaving open the fantasy that she might have once grazed her hand across Erin Andrews. Accidentally of course, but awesome none the less.




2. Heather Mitts. 

She's already got a great porn name, so without even looking at her she's worth a mention. Okay, now look at her. Yeah, lived up to the hype didn't it? That's why this superfly soccerite makes it so high on this list. She also, unlike any of the other girls on this list, looks really nice. I mean I like my fair share of crazy, powerful, sadistic girls, but the girl next door is a hell of a lot less stressful.

1. Jenny Adams. 

Please turn your attention to the picture on the left. Jenny is a hurdler. There, now I won't say anything more to ruin your moment gazing upon this fantastic woman.

That not enough for you? Well okay, I'll do some more. This is really boring and dull, but if you must insist, I present: 

The Five Sexiest Female Foreign Olympic Athletes.

5. Susanna Kallur. 

This sexy little Swede was born in the United States to NHL player, Anders Kallur. Sing ABBA tunes with her to celebrate her hurdling victory while you hurdle her into bed. And if you didn't have a reason to watch women's hurdling before, you certainly do now.

4. Alexandra Orlando. 

Another classic porn name, this fiery Latino hails from the sweaty jungles of...Canada? I don't know what the hell that's all about, but I really don't care. I can put up with a couple of Ehs and Aboots for her any day of the week. She is also the only reason to give a crap about rhythmic gymnastics.

3. Christine Arron. 

I'll admit this photo of Christine is pretty airbrushed, as a Google image search of her will produce pictures of a track star that was quite fugly a few years ago. But she looks like freaking J-lo in that picture. Airbrushed or not, she's still pretty damn fly. Plus she's French, and french accents increase sexiness tenfold.

2. Ana Ivanovic. 

An incredibly close second place, Ivanovic is also near the best female tennis player in the world right now. I tell you, when Anna Kornikova hit the scene, I thought she couldn't be topped. But then Maria Sharapova arrived, who has now been replaced by Ana Ivanovic. I love women's tennis.

1. Yelena Isinbayeva. 

If one takes the two pictures at face value alone, you might give Ana the slight edge. But if you take into account that Yelena's picture was taken in the middle of a track meet when she's sweaty, stinky, and not wearing makeup; and Ana's was done in a photo studio, Yelena is definitely the winner. I selected this picture to make that point. Plus there's just something about the way she's gripping that pole. If you want a more refined photo just Google her name and you'll be entertained for hours.

(CONTINUE READING)

Can You Digg It?

We are just constantly exploring new, fun, and wonderful things. And no, I'm not talking about Phil's new obsession with collecting Russian nesting dolls, I'm referring to the little yellow box to the right. This is the Digg Button/Counter. If you aren't aware, Digg is a fantastic site where people vote on the best content on the web every day.

So where does this leave you the reader? Hopefully you have come to this site because you enjoy the fantastic sports commentary and hilarious jokes. If so I encourage you to digg this article and any other article that suits your fantasy. This will help get the good word out about our thought provoking entertainment. SIDE NOTE: If you are merely visiting this website on the hope that Phil will finally release the pictures of he and Natalie Portman's baby, you don't have to digg us.

All you have to do to Digg an article is click the digg it button. You will have to sign up for a Digg account, but its super quick and easy. You'll be done quicker than Brett Favre changes his mind. So please help the starving children and promote world peace and Digg our site. So I have to post something after the jump even though I'm done with this thought, because the Chinese IT slaves in the basement say I do. So after the jump, I'll post one of the sought after Elkins/Portman baby pictures.


Sadly, not even the super-hot Natalie Portman could counteract the sheer ugliness of Phil.
(CONTINUE READING)

B-R-E-T Bretts! Bretts! Bretts!

Well the soap opera, "Bays of Our Lives" is finally coming to a close, and another twist is a fitting end to the story. As of late Wednesday night, it has become official that Brett Favre will be a New York Jet this fall. Even though it seemed like a long shot at first, the New Jersey Jets put together a compelling case for graybeard to throw bombs in the Meadowlands this year. Stolen from underneath Eric Mangini's Calzone at a Cosa Nostra hangout, I present you:

The Top 5 Reasons Brett Favre Will Love The Jets

5. The Jet's Schedule is Cake.

This season the Jets will play only four games against teams that had winning records last year. The Patriots twice, San Diego, and Tennessee. They play four out of the five worst teams from last year, and the worst team, the Dolphins, twice. The only team in the bottom five they don't play against: The New York Jets.

4. I Heart NY will be replaced by I Heart BF

New York will absolutely fall in love with country boy Brett. The New York media and New York fans have always had a special reverence for good ole boys. Whether it's the clean cut and affable Derek Jeter, or the hard-working David Lee, New Yorkers love blue collar guys. New York is such a melting pot of cultures that nobody cares where you're from, they just want you to be approachable and relate to them.

3. The Reunion with Bubba.

Favre will be arriving at training camp to the large arms and spit stained shirt of his old buddy Bubba Franks. The veteran tight end joined the Jets during the off-season after being realsed by the Packers. Anybody who counted out New York in the Favre-off was forgetting how much of a self-proclaimed country boy Favre is. Combine a friend named Bubba with the backwoods setting of the Jersey suburbs and Favre should feel right at home.

2. The Jets Have a Deceptively Good Team.

The defense was a solid, middle of the road squad last year, statistically. But when you factor in two trips versus the thorn in their side, Patriots offensive juggernaut they rank much higher. With the addition of Buckeye bruiser Vernon Gholston and wiley veteran Kris Jenkins, they should be even better. The offense will be markedly better. The addition of Alan Faneca to the O-line will help Thomas Jones and new backup Jesse Chatman break open the running game. The wide receiver corp is already spectacular. Laverneus Coles and Jerricho Cotchery have always been on the cusp of the Pro Bowl. By replacing Pennington's pea-shooter with Favre's cannon expect them to be a dynamic duo this year.

1. He Can Pull Off the Fur Coat

Move over Broadway Joe, Broadway Brett's moving in. No more suffering through the unbearable Wisconsin winters wearing crappy NFL issued vinyl jackets. After Namath's precedent was set its perfectly acceptable to rock the giant, puffy, fur coat in the Meadowlands. But instead of just paying tribute to the man, I say take it to the next level. Kill a grizzly bear, preferably with your hands, skin it, and wear that as your fur coat on your way to the Super Bowl. Not only will you replace Joe Namath as the number one Jet, you'll replace Chuck Norris as the number one badass.

(CONTINUE READING)

Four Square, Vandalism, and Your Daily Dose of Favre

When I was in high school I took a job at the YMCA one summer working at their summer day camp. From day one I fell in love with the job. The kids were fun, my coworkers were great, and I basically got paid to beat little kids in basketball. I am terrible at basketball, but little kids are much worse. I continued to work there for the next five years or so but then things started to turn a little. 

The people in charge were slowly changing the image of the camp, making it more Christian and wholesome, and staffing the camp with super nice people that loved to sing about Jesus. Not that there's anything wrong with all that. I mean I love me some Jesus singing and all but I missed the old days. I missed tethering children to the back of the makeshift golf cart and driving through mud puddles. I missed pointing out the female counselors in training that would be most likely to get us arrested. I missed the irony of showing up to work hung over only to lead devotional with my campers an hour later. Yes those were some good times. 

So anyway, one night while trying to impress a fellow female counselor, I decided to bring back the past a little. I grabbed a can of paint out of the art supply closet and proceeded to vandalize the camp with YMCA friendly graffiti. Unfortunately, I made a small mistake with what I thought was a harmless prank; I involved the female counselor. She was the second person grilled about the incident, I of course the first. Well moments after I had just finished polishing off my watertight alibi and schmoozing the big man, she ratted out both of us. So now we finally get to the part of this story that matters. 

Called back into the office moments after lying my ass off, I had to face the big man again. By the way big man isn't some corny slang I use, my boss was literally a very big man. Normally this kind of thing would have been open and shut. "Hi Jason, you just lied to my face about vandalizing a Christian camp, I think you know where the door is." But, I wasn't just some schmo who was hired off the street. I was a hardy veteran who was fully entrenched in the YMCA system. 

I had won countless awards for leadership and pottery making and all other counselor related superlatives. I even was inducted into a special club for YMCA badasses. That's right, if I hadn't smeared tomorrows arts and crafts project all over the bathroom door, I might be wrangling dodgeballs in a gym in Akron right now. 

But there I was, surprisingly relaxed for a man who knew he was getting the boot. My boss and I casually talked about our mutual love for Wolfpack basketball, and just reminisced about the years past. My proverbial career was flashing before my eyes. We both knew the end result: you're fired, we're moving on. Moral of the story: don't ever commit crimes with women. But the reason this story from the past surfaced today is not because of some female hating agenda, but because of our dear friend Brett Favre. (Woah, did he really just turn a quaint little piece about his youth into yet another Brett Favre story? You bet your ass I did. Suck on that ESPN.)

When I read about the meeting McCarthy had with Favre and the eventual outcome, I was taken back to that wet, hot, American summer, and the meeting with the big man. I imagine the five hour meeting with Mike McCarthy was very much the same. Two men with mutual respect for one another chatting about the good ole days, talking about nothing really, but all the while just wanting to have one last goodbye. 

Both men knew going into this meeting what the result was going to be. I mean do you really think Favre went in there and told his coach "I want my job, but I'm not willing to beg for it." Or do you think McCarthy told Favre, "Were willing to let you compete for the job only because the press is killing us and you don't really stand a chance." No, of course not. But one last formality was required and thus the awkward man hug that is firing a legend began. 

McCarthy and Favre respected the decision that each other had to make, as my boss and I did ten years ago. But the one tiny little difference between the scenarios is that I never won the YMCA Super Bowl and didn't set every statistical record for camp counseling. Plus, I was on the down slope of my career, realizing that when a bunch of first graders beat me at four square. 

So, once again and for the final time, I promise, I really hope the Green Bay Packers know what the hell they are doing. Because once he walks out that door, he'll never step foot in that YMCA again, no matter how good the catering in the five hour meeting was. I found my next gig at the Bennigans down the street, and my guess is Favre won't have to drive too far either. Although I looked terrible in Bennigans green, Favre is gonna look pretty good in Vikings purple.

(CONTINUE READING)

The Stat Machine

Welcome to the Stat Machine: a fancy and expensive device we have purchased that spits out interesting sports statistics for our amusement. My aim every Wednesday is to bring you the funny, the strange, the amazing, and the just plain wacky stats found in such sports categories as:

- batting average
- record when playing at home and wearing white
- penalty kill percentage

And of course everyone's favorite, YAC (yards after catch). So lets crank up the machine, watch the flashing lights, and see what our stat machine has in store for us today.


* Trever Miller, Pitcher: Last week Tampa Bay Rays (Don't you dare say DEVIL Rays) pitcher Trever Miller earned his first decision since September 30, 2006. The win he earned was his first decision in 121 straight appearances on the mound, a Major League Baseball record. After the game Miller went straight to the jokes.

"I tell you what, I'm going to go home tonight and make some decisions," Miller said. "Cause I told my wife, 'Don't ask me anything.' I haven't had a decision in a year and a half; it's all you. You decide where we're going, what vacations we're taking. Now I'm going to take control. So she'll be happy with that."

A feat such as this requires several things. A win OR a loss is counted as a decision so Miller had to pitch just well enough to avoid a loss but poor enough to miss a win. You also have to have an offense behind you that has a penchant for staying off the bases. Any run support at all, even just one run, the inning after he pitches very well could decide the game.


* Pittsburgh Pirates: On opening day this baseball season the Pirates, like every other team, fielded a roster of 25 players. Only 14 of those 25 players still remain in Pittsburgh today. Outfielder Xavier Nady and left-handed reliever Damaso Marte were recently traded to the Yankees, and of course outfielder Jason Bay is now a member of Red Sox nation as part of the Manny trade to the Dodgers.

Pittsburgh entered August in last place in the National League Central, 14.5 games out of first place. Who says you need stability to be successful!


* NBA Live '09 is Alive: The latest NBA video game installment looks to be a lot more realistic than any other basketbal game to date. This upcoming game will feature something called Dynamic DNA which will use changing player abilities, stats, injuries, and trades to update the gameplay. Information will be downloaded to your system as it unfolds throughout the regular season of the NBA.

With almost real-time information you'll have new plays available to call, and ever changing game play. You've always been able to download updated rosters but never before have you had player abilities and team tendencies change as they happen on the real hardwood.

(CONTINUE READING)

Continue Reading...

Regular readers of WHAS (if you've only been around for a week do you really have "regular" readers?) will notice that we've added a new element to our posts. A change so mind-blowing and revolutionary that I can't tell you about it just yet.

But I tell you what, if you promise to keep this information between you, me, and the other 433 readers of WHAS, then lets go for a ride. Just click on that link below that says "Continue Reading." Don't be afraid, take the plunge.

And then here we are. Not as exciting as you thought right? I admit I built up that hype for no other reason than to demonstrate the story preview feature we've added to the site. Instead of having full posts of our drivel clogging your browser you'll see a few paragraphs of material only, and then if you're feeling curious you can click the link to expand the post.

We think you'll like having this sort of setup and if you don't we'll still keep it anyway. But we would feel sorry for you for a couple of extremely emotional seconds.

However, on that note we always love to hear from our dedicated readers with questions, ideas, hate mail, Viagra solicitations, etc. We can be reached anytime at:

WetHotAmericanSports@gmail.com

(CONTINUE READING)

Dick Pound Hates Rubbing Rods

Got your attention with that one, didn't I? Okay, so I was a little liberal with the verbiage, but the gist of it is true. The Associated Press is reporting that the IOC was extremely unhappy with the wave of protests that followed the torch relay on its way to Beijing, and could look into canceling the event in the future. But what makes this a difficult news story for a fourteen-year-old sports anchor is the involvement of Canadian member Dick Pound.


Dick Pound rose to sexual innuendo prominence as the head of the World Anti-Doping Association during which he made a constant attack on the Tour de France, and most notably Lance Armstrong. Well the cruelly named is back at it again with a knee jerk response to a paper tiger. Asked about the recent torch relays, Pound had this to say,

"This came very close to becoming a disaster," he said. "The risks were obvious and should have been assessed a little more carefully. The result is there was a crisis affecting the games."

First off, were the protests really all that bad? I'll admit I didn't follow that closely, but the worst thing I seem to remember was the Rick Rolling in San Fransisco. As horrible as Rick Astley is, its no reason to cancel a tradition as old as the games them self.

Second, by cancelling the torch relay because of a negative response to China's foreign policy, you are sending out the wrong message. Normally, most of the world would tune out or be ignorant of the way China treats Tibet or its own people, but by hosting the Olympics, they are exposing themselves to the world. Shouldn't freedom of expression be able to make its way to the Olympic stage, especially if its in the name of World Peace?

And Last, by stamping out the torch relay, you're killing one of the few international bonds that we have left in this world. The torch relay, Live Aid, and Internet Porn; are the last true world bridging activities available. With Live Aid getting suckier every time its held, and now the torch relay possibly on the out, web porn is our last bastion of hope. Once again proving my theory that porn is the key to the survival of the human race.

The AP Report is here (CONTINUE READING)

The Tuesday Ten

Here at WHAS, we tend to get all information the Internet way: secondhand. We peruse the webs for stories that pique or interest and then proceed to make elementary school jokes and half-assed opinions about them. So, naturally this Brett Favre things has put a stopgap on the flow of story variety. Therefore the only thing I could come up with for the inaugural Tuesday Ten is some more Favre related dribble:




The Top Ten Things Brett Favre Could Do If He Had Stayed Retired

10. Go Fishing.

With all the talk Brett gave during and after his announced retirement, you would think that the man really loves fishing. So why was he only satisfied with one month this summer? And worse yet, he confined himself to his home state of Mississippi. 

Number four could have taken an expedition up to Alaska to catch salmon with his bare hands. He could have flown to Japan to catch Koi from an elderly man's pond, or he could shoot wild steelhead with Michael Ian Black in Oregon. There's a whole world of fishing out there Brett and I'm sure that cannon of an arm would impress all the local bassmasters.

9. Become a Mentor. 

Rumor has it, Favre was working out at a local high school to stay in shape for the comeback he knew was coming from day one. But instead of just running up and down stadium steps by yourself Brett, why not invite a couple of the local teens to join you. 

The bonding you would have with the young sprites as y'a'll baked in the southern sun taking breaks for tall glasses of iced tea, would be priceless. Who knows, maybe one of the kids will contract some incurable disease, and you and the other kids will go on a worldly trip to save his life. It could happen. And if it did, the book and movie rights would make you more money than you ever would playing for the Packers.

8. Learn Karate.

The first time I ever really started to like Brett Favre was during a Monday Night Football game where he was mic'd up. At the game, Pat Morita of "Karate Kid" fame was walking around the sidelines for a reason I don't remember. But Favre's eyes lit up like a elementary-schooler at a Hannah Montana concert when he saw the Hollywood martial artist. 

If he hadn't recently passed away, I would suggest he hire Morita, pick up some 80's lycra and day-glo, and live the dream. But there are any number of suitable replacements. Learn the ways of the East and the way to the perfect Philly Cheesesteak with Steven Segal. Brush up on your roundhouse kicks and your knowledge of Texas law enforcement with Chuck Norris. Or just pay Martin Kove (The actor who played the leader of Cobra Kai) to dress up and let you kick him the face repeatedly.

7. Train for London.

Brett Favre is 38, so that would mean by the time the 2012 Olympics in London rolled around, he would be 42. Roughly the same age as geriatric swimming phenom Dara Torres. So it's not out of the realm of possibility that he could do it. He's fit, competitive, and I bet he loves the heck out of his country. 

But what sport would he compete in. Water Polo? Equestrian? Rhythmic Gymnastics? I'm placing my bets on the shot put. He's got that cannon of an arm, so it wouldn't take much tweaking. He's got the spin move nailed down from avoiding sacks all those years. And finally, he could finally start taking steroids now that all he has to deal with is the mismanaged WADA.

6. Become a Country Musician.

You have a southern accent. You've been known to strum a guitar. You have a permastubble beard, and you have plenty of money to hire someone to write and produce songs about women and drinking for you. Congratulations you can be country music's next star! 

Team up with Kid Rock for a rip-roaring crossover, make Deanna jealous with your duet with Sheryl Crow, and Boot Scoot with Billy Ray as you release your album, "Lambeau Love Songs." With such great hits as "She thinks my Cheesehat's sexy", "Mike Holmgren's Jugtime Tune", and "You look Good in My Sweat Stained Jersey" Favre is bound for success.

5. Start acting again.

Everyone knows about Favre's brush with acting in the movie, "Something About Mary," which tuned him into a popular Trivial Pursuit question. So, why stop there Brett? 

Throw on a few pounds, question your place in life and suit up for coach Eastwood. The coming of age tale you two could produce together about a little boy from Mississippi who witnesses some sort of abortion or sex change operation that scars him for life will be Oscar Gold. Or you could put on thirty layers of latex, develop a fondness for French, and adapt some graphic novel for the big screen with Guillermo del Toro. Or just return to your roots and let the Farrelly Brothers team you up with Jimmy Fallon in a movie about a talking banana.

4. Spend Money.

His final contract for the Green Bay Packers was worth somewhere close to one hundred million dollars. Which again makes me ask the question; why can't athletes stay retired? Seriously, you have over one hundred million dollars, how can you not keep yourself entertained? 

Do you miss the players? You could probably afford to buy out the entire practice squad of the Packers to sit around a locker room replica at your mansion. Do you miss the fans? Hire local high schoolers to get drunk and sit in grandstands outside your house. Every time you get the paper, you'll be greeted by painted beer bellies and girls screaming to have your baby. Or Is it the competition you miss? Use your dumptrucks full of money to buy thirty Chinese sweatshop workers to form a dodgeball league. It's win-win really. You free them from oppression and you get to wail on communism with the red rubber of capitalism.

3. Have Sex with Your Wife.

Deanna Favre is very hot. She is one seriously smoking brunette who I would do innumerable dirty things to. You sir are one lucky man and you should treat that woman right. Take her to a private beach in the Carribean for a week. Just you her and the gentle roar of the ocean. 

You approach her wearing your ripped khakis and white linen shirt holding a bottle of Chateaux Royale Number Five and two glasses. She sits on the huge goose down blanket strewn on the beach, her skin aglow from the tropical sun. You gently caress her....you know what screw the book and movie rights to the dying kid story, you could make a killing with the Favre series of romance novels.

2. Take the $20 million.

Reportedly the Packers were going to offer Brett Favre in the upwards of twenty million to be a spokesperson/hand model for the next few years for the Green Bay Packers. Considering number one draft pick commentators like Michael Strahan are only getting $2 million a year, it sounds like a pretty sweet deal.  And they actually have to do real work. 

All you'd have to do is show up to a couple of fundraiser dinners, shake a few hands, pretend to enjoy hanging out with poor kids for The United Way, and you're done. They're going to continue to profit on you one way or another, this way you get some extra cash, and they get to make their Brett Favre waffle irons they've been dying for.

1. Be Aaron Rodgers' Friend.

You guys could have been best buddies. His California attitude, your Southern charm; you could have been a dynamic duo of dudedom. You could watch over his shoulder as he struggles, encouraging him to keep on plugging, while you sip hot cocoa in the hotel, waiting for him to arrive and tell you all about his day. When he finally retires, as the number two quarterback in Packers history, the two of you can laugh about how Bubba Frank used to spit when he talked, and how Donald Driver had a fondness for Booberry cereal. You could talk into the wee hous of the night, taking the minutes of a club in which only you and him belong. 

But that's not happening, is it Brett? You just had to unretire, casting an ominous shadow on Aaron's standing as the Packer QB of the future and ruining his fragile ego in the process. Way to go Brett. You will never be able to experience the warmth of a homemade Aaron Rodgers afghan. Have fun in training camp, douche.

(CONTINUE READING)