Clearing the Smog, Vol. IV: Getting to Know the Ten Sexiest Female U.S. Olympians

With the Olympics just one day away from beginning, it's time for yet another episode of Clearing the Smog: Getting to know your U.S. Olympians. With our helpful tidbits of information you'll be the envy of Sigma Delta Rho when watching the Archery finals. Why? Because you'll know that Butch Johnson is a five time Olympian and not just a great porn title. So I now present you with:

The Ten Sexiest Female U.S. Olympic Athletes

(Click any picture for a full sexy res version)

10. Dara Torres 

Occupying the obligatory MILF slot, Torres still smokes through the swimming pool at age 41. Competing in her fifth Olympic games, she was the oldest U.S. Olympian in 2000, but surprisingly isn't in 2008. 58 year old air pistol shooter, Libby Callahan, beat her out this time. Sorry Libby there's no obligatory GMILF slot on this list.

9. Kerri Walsh

Ready to unseat Torres in a few years, thirty-year-old Walsh has competed in the Olympics in both indoor and beach volleyball. She makes this list for two reasons. One, she fulfills the tall girl requirement, and two, she probably will spend most of the time you see her in a bikini. Plus you could come up with a behind the back hand signal that only you and her would understand. For example a wiggle of the pinky clockwise means, "sex later?"

8. Allyson Felix.

A silver medal winner in Athens, this sprinter turns heads faster than anyone else on this list. Allyson also has that "I might occasionally kick your ass, but that's okay because the sex will be phenomenal," look about her. You know what I mean; the kind where you tell your coworkers that the bruises are from that infernal Bowflex, and they roll their eyes and say, "Sure it was."






7. Alicia Sacramone.

If it wasn't for that whole underage thing, I'd probably put nothing but gymnasts on this list. But Sacramone is twenty, so booya. Alicia is very attractive, with an Italian allure and surprisingly developed "pectorals" for a gymnast. But even if she was beaten with an ugly stick, I'd still probably put her on this list. Any guy who's ever been with a gymnast will know exactly why.


6. Natalie Coughlin. 

A freshman entry into the list, Natalie makes a strong debut at number six. She gets bonus points for being really good as well as smoking hot. She could win a whole slew of swimming medals in Beijing. Sexy, competitive, and you might be able to wear one of her spare medals to feel like a champ in bed. I once wore a gold medal in competitive eating to bed. She was a very large woman. 

5. Hope Solo. 

Just look at the determination in her gorgeous eyes. Hope is a woman who knows what she wants. Notorious for getting kicked off the World Cup team for criticizing her coach, she's the kind of girl you  want as a girlfriend. If you order a pizza and it gets there without the bacon you ordered, she would be the kind to march down to Papa John's house himself and bitch slap him with a slab of bacon, because she knows how much her man loves bacon.

4. Amanda Beard. 

Yet another one of the slightly "mature" women, Beard has been dominating this list for decades. But she loses points this time around for those PETA ads she did. Yes, she did the ads nude, but associating with wacko organizations like PETA is very not sexy. I don't like to be slapped during post-coitus because she just had an orgasm on what she later discovered was a goose down comforter.

3. Jennie Finch. 

Probably the most well know Olympic sexpot on this list, Finch is like the Brett Favre of softball; without the man stubble of course. She's been on "The Apprentice" and was voted ESPN's hottest athlete in 2003. But the best part of her resume is that she occasionally corresponds for ESPN's "This Week in Baseball." Leaving open the fantasy that she might have once grazed her hand across Erin Andrews. Accidentally of course, but awesome none the less.




2. Heather Mitts. 

She's already got a great porn name, so without even looking at her she's worth a mention. Okay, now look at her. Yeah, lived up to the hype didn't it? That's why this superfly soccerite makes it so high on this list. She also, unlike any of the other girls on this list, looks really nice. I mean I like my fair share of crazy, powerful, sadistic girls, but the girl next door is a hell of a lot less stressful.

1. Jenny Adams. 

Please turn your attention to the picture on the left. Jenny is a hurdler. There, now I won't say anything more to ruin your moment gazing upon this fantastic woman.

That not enough for you? Well okay, I'll do some more. This is really boring and dull, but if you must insist, I present: 

The Five Sexiest Female Foreign Olympic Athletes.

5. Susanna Kallur. 

This sexy little Swede was born in the United States to NHL player, Anders Kallur. Sing ABBA tunes with her to celebrate her hurdling victory while you hurdle her into bed. And if you didn't have a reason to watch women's hurdling before, you certainly do now.

4. Alexandra Orlando. 

Another classic porn name, this fiery Latino hails from the sweaty jungles of...Canada? I don't know what the hell that's all about, but I really don't care. I can put up with a couple of Ehs and Aboots for her any day of the week. She is also the only reason to give a crap about rhythmic gymnastics.

3. Christine Arron. 

I'll admit this photo of Christine is pretty airbrushed, as a Google image search of her will produce pictures of a track star that was quite fugly a few years ago. But she looks like freaking J-lo in that picture. Airbrushed or not, she's still pretty damn fly. Plus she's French, and french accents increase sexiness tenfold.

2. Ana Ivanovic. 

An incredibly close second place, Ivanovic is also near the best female tennis player in the world right now. I tell you, when Anna Kornikova hit the scene, I thought she couldn't be topped. But then Maria Sharapova arrived, who has now been replaced by Ana Ivanovic. I love women's tennis.

1. Yelena Isinbayeva. 

If one takes the two pictures at face value alone, you might give Ana the slight edge. But if you take into account that Yelena's picture was taken in the middle of a track meet when she's sweaty, stinky, and not wearing makeup; and Ana's was done in a photo studio, Yelena is definitely the winner. I selected this picture to make that point. Plus there's just something about the way she's gripping that pole. If you want a more refined photo just Google her name and you'll be entertained for hours.